


Children Of Faith

by Mijramia



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, In the spider's web, Julian's eagerness is getting him into the biggest trouble, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 63,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28342008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mijramia/pseuds/Mijramia
Summary: When Captain Sisko and his crew stop by an idyllic planet in the Gamma Quadrant, they are invited by its colonists to stay for some while. But the colonists have a secret. When a medical emergency prompts Dr. Bashir to offer his help, he doesn't yet know what he maneuvers himself into. Can Sisko find out the truth before it's too late? (Season 4)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally published from 2019 - 2020.

**~ Children of Faith ~**

By Mijra

**Disclaimer** : I do not own Star Trek, its characters or any of its concepts. I just love telling stories. And if you're enjoying yourself while reading this piece of fiction, that's all I could have hoped for.^^

**Summary:**

Captain Sisko has brought the Defiant into the Gamma Quadrant following a hint that the Maquis were seeking out a new hiding at Dolos V. Unfortunately, the intelligence turned out to be a dead end. On their way home, Sisko follows the invitation of one of the spiritual leaders on Dolos V to drop by at their nearby colony for some shore leave the crew of the Defiant desperately needs. At first, everyone is thrilled about the idyllic atmosphere. When a medical emergency prompts Dr. Bashir to offer his help to the colonists, he doesn't yet know what he maneuvers himself into. Can Sisko find out the truth before it's too late?

**Note on the timeline:**

This story is set in season 4 between the episodes "The Quickening" and "Body Parts".

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_Sisko: "Something's not right about this planet. I just hit one of my senior staff. I just hit Julian."_

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**Chapter 1**

"Thank you very much for being with us today, Captain! I understand that you are under a tight schedule and I didn't want to keep you away from your duties. I can imagine that there is a lot of work waiting for your attention back home on your station. So it's an honor for us to welcome you here as our guests today."

Captain Benjamin Sisko arched one brow, taking a short sip of the wine-like beverage one was serving on this special occasion. He kept the red liquid in his mouth, savoring the taste, trying to decide if it was indeed something similar to synthehol in the Federation, or alcohol back on Earth. It had a dry and slightly sour taste, slightly burning when it made its way down his throat. Something that reminded him of the wine his father would serve together with his family Gumbo whose recipe he would ultimately take to his grave. It tasted good, and as he had no way of knowing how much of an inebriating effect it had on human physiology, he decided to better be careful with how much he allowed himself to indulge in. Sisko put the glass back on the table before he offered a broad smile.

"It's all my pleasure. To be honest, I wasn't sure about our visit here at first. We really are under a tight schedule. But I daresay that a bit of shore leave might be exactly what this crew needs."

Sisko bit back a smile when he watched his senior staff gathered around the laden table. The people here might be simple and down to earth, but they had prepared nothing short of a miracle. The food was amazing, ranging from fresh fruit to salads, freshly baked bread and some steaming stews which made his mouth water. They were sharing dinner with the leader of the biggest colony on this planet, a middle aged man with slightly grey hair who had introduced himself as simply Heral to them. Upon their arrival, it was the first thing he had done, insisting they share the rare chance of a meal together. As it had turned out, the people on Coldron didn't often have contact with the outside world as they preferred to stay mainly among themselves. Only every now and then, some strangers would find their way to the small settlement where they were treated as precious guests who brought tales of faraway lands with them and life that was so completely different from what the people here were used to. When Sisko looked at Heral, he saw a confident leader, fully content with the life he had chosen. But even though Heral would never have traded places with them, he did seem interested in what his guests had to say about their home back on DS9, beyond the wormhole, and the life they were leading there. According to what Heral had told them, the colonists of Coldron had once moved over from the neighboring planet Dolos V in pursuit of fulfilling their dream of an independent, self-sustaining life. Even though they remained in regular contact with their home world, they were fairly autonomous. They had their own little decision making authority which consisted of Heral and a small council of elders of the few other cities that existed strewn over Coldron every here and there. It wasn't as large as to call it a government though it did function as such – only in small scale.

Heral had also told them that most of the planet was uninhabited apart from some indigenous animals. Their colony wasn't very large though Heral was confident that they would continually grow when more and more of his people still living on Dolos V would awaken to the pleasure of a simple and rural life. Sisko had to concede that he understood the reason for the colonists to start over a new life here. It really was appealing a thought. Just leave your old life behind and start all over again. Like back when he had first come to DS9 four years ago. So much had happened since that day. So much he wished he could make undone.

He took a deep breath and tried not to let his dark thoughts ruin the evening. At least his senior staff was obviously enjoying themselves, apparently grateful for the opportunity to wind down and spend an evening off the ship. He didn't want to spoil everyone's good mood, even though he very well would have liked to decline Heral's invitation and return back to the station as soon as possible. They had been in the Gamma Quadrant for already one week when the Ministers of Dolos V had invited them to drop by at their colony here. It had been a stressful week which had finally led them to a dead end. He wasn't in the best of moods to spend time exchanging pleasantries on a diplomatic mission and would have liked to move on and bury himself in the work that would be waiting for him on DS9 hadn't it been for Dax and her advice he better not let his personal life interfere with the responsibility for his crew. He knew that she was right, and that he was probably the one most in need of some time off. So he had accepted Heral's offer for their all sake.

"And you really didn't bring any kind of technology with you?"

Chief O'Brien at his side seemed honestly impressed when he broke a slice of bread in two and started to dip it into the stew, watching one of Heral's men who had suddenly appeared next to them to light the candles on the table. They were having dinner in the common room of the only official building in town and were now sitting around a long, wooden table, the room growing darker as the sun finally set after a long day. As there wasn't any electrical lighting, their host stuck to the old-fashioned way and now a dozen of thick, white candles were illuminating the cozy room.

Heral laughed. "Sometimes a life away from technology can offer you possibilities no technology can." Then he shook his head. "No, we didn't bring much technology with us when we came here. And it's not as if anyone really misses it. But to tell the truth, we do have some computers to interact with our government on Dolos V. It was one of their conditions when we started the colony. They granted us the power to run the colony as we see fit, but they were worried to leave us without any means to contact them if need be. So we agreed to have at least some computer terminals in order to stay in contact with the outside world. Though I have to admit that we barely use them. Not unless we need to order supplies every once in a while. " Heral spread his arms wide as if in explanation. "As you can see, we have everything we need. We have our farms to sustain our little settlement. We grow our own food, we build our own houses. It's a plain and simple life, but everything we achieve we do so by ourselves."

"But what about medical equipment? What if anyone gets sick?" Dr. Bashir frowned. The doctor had frozen with the fork still in hand and was watching Heral with an expression hovering between honest surprise and slight dismay.

An amused smile played around the edges of Heral's mouth, and he chuckled. "I see your concern, Doctor. But you might be amazed at how hard work on the fields makes your body strong. I'm proud to say that we rarely have any medical issues here. Nothing we cannot handle the old-fashioned way without technological means. And even if we need medical assistance, we can still call for help and our government will provide us with everything we need."

"But you do have a doctor here, do you?" the young man held, obviously stunned by the idea that there wasn't really any experienced physician present.

"Yes, we do have some healers if that is what you mean. As I said, we rarely have to deal with medical issues but our healers are trained enough to handle everything that might come up on the road."

Bashir still didn't seem very convinced.

"So you're completely on your own here," Sisko stated before Bashir could seize the opportunity to drill the other man with more questions. He leaned back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap. The candles on the table emanated an amber glow, giving the gathering with Heral the feeling of a family reunion over dinner. It was a calming atmosphere, peaceful and refreshing. It reminded Sisko of the evenings at his father's restaurant. When he had sat down at one of the tables with his father after the last guests had left and the restaurant had fallen silent. They had sat together, talking until Sisko's eyes were falling close and his father would call it a night. It's been years, or rather decades since then, but the memory was still fresh and vivid in Sisko's mind.

Heral nodded. "Yes, and it allows us to concentrate on the important things in our lives. You might have heard that we are a very religious people. We might not interact much with people from other worlds but we are in constant conversation with our gods. It was also the main reason to come here and leave our old lives behind."

Across from Sisko, Major Kira seemed intrigued. "That sounds very… enviable. Being able to concentrate on the basic things in life…"

"It is very satisfactory. I understand that your people – the Bajorans it was? – are quite similar to us. I hope we will have time to talk about this in more detail later," Heral said with genuine interest as he offered her a basket of bread.

Kira nodded while she took it. "As far as I'm concerned I could spend some more time here." She threw a quick glance at Sisko, as if to gauge if he would take Heral up on his offer to stay for a couple more days, not just over night.

Sisko sighed. Looking into the faces of his friends, he knew that he didn't really have much reason to decline them their shore leave. And then, he knew that it was probably a unique chance. What bad would it do to take a break once in a while? It wasn't that something on the station was urgently waiting for their return. At least not as far as his crew was concerned. For Sisko, it was another matter. After all that had happened during the last weeks, he'd rather bury himself in work than spend some time off where his mind had every chance to explore what his future life without Kasidy Yates would look like.

Even the thought of her name made him wince.

It hadn't even been two weeks since he'd had to arrest her for smuggling weapons to the Maquis but he already felt as if some part of his soul had been ripped away. He'd never thought that he'd already care so much for her after the few months they'd spent together. And now she was gone, leaving a hole in his heart and life that nothing was able to fill. And he was the one responsible for it.

"You have to show us around tomorrow!" the cheerful voice of Jadzia Dax brought him back from his dark thoughts.

A genuine smile spread across Heral's face. "It would be a pleasure. I will show you our little settlement, the gardens and fields. I'm sure you'll like it. We're very proud of what we have achieved here."

Even as Sisko wanted to help himself to another glass of wine, a loud noise in the distance suddenly drew his attention. It sounded like hasty footsteps, then the bang of a door and another moment later a tall, broad-shouldered man came bursting through the door of the common room. Heral looked up at the sudden uproar, swallowing whatever comment had been on his lips.

The man who had burst into their dinner was clad in a white tunic, a long robe that went down all to the ground and covered even his shoes. He seemed agitated, his shoulders shaking as if he had just run miles to get to them. His breaths came heavy as he went over to Heral, urgently bending forward.

"Sir," he started in a low voice with a quick look at Heral's assembled guests as if he had rather preferred to talk to the man in private. "We have an emergency. I'm sorry to interrupt but I need you to come with me. It's urgent. It's about Den." He didn't offer much more information, his eyes trained on Heral, waiting for his reaction.

For a short moment, Heral froze, as if his mind still needed time to process the other man's words. Then he slowly rose from his chair, a shadow crossing his features that had been joyful and gentle only seconds before. For an instant, he seemed to hesitate, unsure what to do. But then he turned toward the other man. "I'll be with you in a moment." And addressing Sisko and his staff he added: "I'm sorry but there is something I need to see into. I'll be back as soon as I can. Please make yourself at home. I'll be right back. It shouldn't take long."

Before he could turn his back on them and follow the white-clad man out the door, Bashir had already drawn himself up. "Is there anything I can help? I'm a doctor," the young man blurted, obviously fully back to his profession as a physician. And as if in an afterthought, he shot a short look at Sisko as if to ask for his permission. Not sure what the emergency was about, Sisko gave a subtle nod. Julian might be too eager to help at times but he was good at what he was doing. And if what Heral had said about the medical equipment a few moments earlier was true, the colonists would need every help they could get.

Heral hesitated as if he gauged if he could trust the strangers. His mouth twitched. But within an instant, he seemed to have made up his mind. He simply nodded but it was sign enough for Bashir to grab his med kit and hurry off after them. A second later, the three men had vanished through the door, leaving Sisko wondering what the sudden emergency could be about.

=/\=

Julian Bashir hurried after Heral and the other man, feeling the familiar rush of adrenaline.

When he had felt pleasantly tired and relaxed during dinner, grateful for this rare occasion to wind down and get some time off the ship, his nerves were now set on edge.

He wasn't sure what to expect. That Heral had so easily accepted his help didn't bode well. He didn't strike him as the type of person to easily rely on others, so whatever had happened could very well be beyond the colonists' ability to deal with. And the thought sent a queasy feeling through his stomach; it was a feeling he'd grown accustomed to during the years since he started his medical career. It was the rush of adrenaline, accompanied by the subtle worry and nagging fear if he was up to the task to decide upon the right measures to save a patient's life. Often it was only minutes that made the difference between life and death. Bearing such a great burden was not always easy, but it was what Julian had wanted ever since he was small. He had wanted to become a doctor. He had wanted to help people. His passion for his profession not seldom brought him into trouble but in the end it was always worth it. It was only a short while ago that Dax and he had been back from a world in the Gamma Quadrant that had been struck by the Dominion with a deadly sickness. It had only been his enthusiasm and compassion that had let them to finding – if not a cure then at least – a vaccine for the "blight" and it had been worth every awkward moment and every fight with Trevean and his men over his work. If there was a tiny chance that he might be able to help, he had to act. It was what had always driven him throughout his career, and it was what drove him now.

His grip around the med kit tightened. He was glad that out of some old habit, he'd brought it along. Somehow he just didn't feel complete without it. And now it might be just the right thing in the right place at the right time.

As they ran through the corridor, Julian couldn't help noticing that the atmosphere had changed. Back in the common room where they had shared dinner with the others, everything was comfy and warm, like they had been invited to someone's living room. He'd almost immediately felt at ease, as must have his comrades as well, judging from their pleasant expressions. When he had left in Heral's wake, though, they had first made it through a dimly lit corridor, only illuminated by candles positioned too far apart as to really lighten the corridor. Some intersections later, the lighting had changed. Where candles had chased away the darkness only sporadically before, the hallways were now brighter, with light from something that very much seemed like electrical lighting. Julian didn't have time to marvel at the fact, though. Heral and the other man suddenly come to a halt, making Julian almost bump into the two men. They stood in front of an old, wooden door, the two men exchanging quick glances before Heral pushed it open and entered without another word.

Julian squeezed in behind him.

The first thing he saw was a boy lying motionless on the bed in the middle of the small chamber the door had let to. The room wasn't very big. Racks with various pots in different sizes were perched on shelves lining one side of it, a large window occupying another wall. Outside it was already dark. The other walls were bare, the only furniture in the room apart from the bed in its middle two wooden chairs, drawn back behind the door.

_Some kind of infirmary?_ Julian took a quick, assessing look around. There wasn't much inventory to support his assumption, though. Bare walls were staring back at him and the few items that decorated the room didn't really betray much of what they were intended to be used for.

A woman, also clad in the same long white robe as the other man who had guided them here, was bent over the boy, her face drawn into an anxious grimace. When she heard them enter, her head snapped up. The expression on her face was thunderstruck. She seemed at a complete loss what to do.

"What happened?" Heral bellowed with more agitation as he probably had intended to as he hurried over to where the boy lay. The boy, too, was wearing white – and he was soaking wet. His tousled brown hair was sticking to his forehead, the mattress of the bed already wet beneath him. The white robe stuck heavily to his slender frame like he had decided to take a bath while being fully dressed. He didn't move.

"I'm a doctor," Julian blurted, as his mind shocked him back to his senses. He quickly moved next to Heral. "I might be able to help. May I?"

The woman at the boy's side shot a puzzled look at Heral who stared at the unmoving boy with a mixture of shock and dismay. For a short second, the two colonists' gazes met and there was something between them Julian couldn't define. Was it understanding? Or defeat? Julian didn't miss the silent but meaningful exchange but didn't have time to dwell on it. He didn't wait for their response – which he doubted would have come any way – and felt for the kid's pulse. There was none.

_He's still warm. But he isn't breathing. Most probably drowned. How long had he been unconscious?_

Without a second thought, Julian started to push down on the boy's chest. Once. Twice. The incongruous thought crossed his mind why none of the present persons had thought of performing CPR on the boy. Julian pushed again. And again.

_Come on. Come on._

He bent the boy's slack head back, pressing his lips against the boy's, blowing. Again, he pushed at his chest. Time stretched into an agonizing slowness. And finally, after what seemed like an eternity, something gurgled in the boy's throat. It was a sickening sound, like if his lungs were full of water. He didn't respond further, though, as if his body had already given up. Julian grabbed for his med kit. Within an instant, he had flung open his tricorder. His eyes skimmed the readouts even while he retrieved a vial from the case and loaded it into a hypo.

"His trachea is still blocked. He can't breathe," Julian stated more to himself than to the persons around him.

Only barely did he register the worried faces of the three colonists, his mind all set upon the task at hand. He administered the hypo – and a second later, the boy convulsed. Present-mindedly Julian turned him over before the boy coughed up the fluid his lungs had been filled with only moments before. "Easy now. You're okay. Everything's going to be fine," Julian gently commanded, at the same time steadying the boy, waiting for the spasm to subside. Now, that he had a closer look, the boy was older than he had thought, though he couldn't be more than fifteen or sixteen. He coughed up more liquid until his lungs seemed to have freed themselves of the water. Or whatever it was. The color was oddly pinkish, and the liquid was too thick for what Julian would describe as water. For a moment, he stared at the strange liquid, his mind trying to make sense of it, until he suddenly felt a strong hand on his shoulder. His head snapped up – and at the same time the other woman who had watched everything with a look of helplessness until now, was at the boy's side, a mixture of relief and worry on her face.

"Den, can you hear me? Den!" She padded the young boy's pallid cheek.

"He'll need some time until he'll be able to speak," Julian exhaled a long sigh of relief, allowing himself to relax just a little. "But he's over the worst. Give him some time and he'll be up and about." He helped laying the boy back on the bed and shot another quick glance at his tricorder. But the boy's vitals were steady.

For a long moment, none of the present persons spoke and a leaden silence descended on the small room.

"Thank you, Dr. Bashir." Heral finally said at length as he looked down at the half-conscious boy. There was worry in his eyes, but also something else. He had his lips pressed into a thin line, as if he was thinking hard about something. His features had clouded over, and the easygoing demeanor had somehow vanished. He suddenly looked older, the fine lines that were etched into his face a little deeper than before. He ran his hand over his face and inhaled audibly. He looked tired. And strangely agitated, even though he was obviously trying hard to hide his anger.

"What happened?" Julian asked with a look at the boy on the bed. He was breathing heavily now, the woman at his side murmuring gentle words to calm him. He should be okay, though. The liquid was out of his lungs, and he was able to breathe freely again. As he had told them, it would take a little longer for the boy to come back to consciousness, but no permanent damage should have been caused as far as he could assess.

"He was playing outside with the other kids and fell into the water," the third person, the broad-shouldered man who had brought them here in the first place, simply said matter-of-factly. He stood as still as a statue and had observed everything from next to the window, hands clasped in front of him. He hadn't moved since their arrival – and seemed rather detached from what had just happened. He didn't offer any further remark, his eyes fixed on something on the far end of the room.

"How unfortunate," Heral said absent-mindedly, stroking over his chin. He turned toward the man next to the window and shortly inclined his head. "Thank you."

The man who hadn't introduced himself just nodded and left without another word. Julian stared at his back. He couldn't shake the feeling that the whole conversation he had witnessed was oddly out of place – or that he was out of place, bearing witness to something he had no understanding of.

"My sincerest apologies, Doctor," Heral said finally with a sad frown, his eyes still on the boy. He did seem to have regained some of his former composure, though. "I didn't want you to get involved in all this. I'm so sorry."

"Oh… you shouldn't be. I'm glad I was able to help," Julian shook his head, pocketing his tricorder. His heartbeat was slowly coming back to normal.

"You're a healer by heart," Heral suddenly observed thoughtfully, catching Julian slightly off guard. His eyes searched Julian's face, as if he was reading something there, only he could see. Then he nodded. "You've got passion for what you're doing. That's a rare gift. I see you put it to good use."

"I just want to help," Julian said truthfully.

"When did it occur to you to become a doctor?" Heral asked casually, even though the question stroke Julian as rather odd.

Julian offered a crooked smile. "Ever since I was little." He didn't elaborate but Heral nodded again. "I see." He seemed to think Julian's words over, his eyes almost scrutinizing him: "Your captain must be proud of you."

Julian closed his med kit, slightly embarrassed about the strange direction their conversation was suddenly headed into. It was not exactly what he had expected. But he didn't want to be rude toward their host either. "I guess so," he stalled.

Another moment of awkward silence. Then Heral went over to the other woman, quietly talking to her. Most likely telling her to stay with the boy until he was back to normal. Then he went over to a nearby cabinet, rummaging through the contents until he produced a long vial which he gave to the other woman. "Here, two units every two hours."

"What is it?" Julian couldn't help asking though Heral just said: "Something to help him relax." He didn't elaborate and his tone signaled that he wasn't willing to answer any more questions. Julian shot another look back at his patient, who slowly seemed to regain consciousness. As if Heral had followed his gaze, he was suddenly at his side, gently taking hold of Julian's upper arm to usher him back out into the corridor. "I think Myra has everything under control now. We should go back to the others. We have kept them waiting long enough. They surely must be worried by now."

His voice sounded casual, though for an instant, Julian was surprised at how firm his grip was. He flinched in spite of himself but followed Heral obediently out of the door. When he stepped out of the small chamber and back into the brightly-lit corridor, he felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Was it just his imagination or had the room temperature suddenly dropped? Perhaps it was just the effect of the adrenaline slowly subsiding from his system, leaving him slightly lightheaded. He took a deep breath, nodding for Heral to take the lead to bring them back to Sisko and the others. For now, he was only glad to get back to dinner. He wondered who the boy was or what had really happened, though he doubted that he would get any answers from Heral. He couldn't really blame him. To them, he was a stranger after all. Of course they wouldn't trust him. So he just sighed and followed Heral back to the common room, his med kit firmly slung over his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I think I could get used to life here," Major Kira Nerys said as she climbed over a few stones that served as a makeshift bridge over a small creek that wound its way through the settlement. The sun was already climbing the eastern sky and even though it was still early in the morning, it promised to become a warm and sunny day.

Captain Sisko followed in her wake, careful not to slip on the wet stone.

They had left their quarters where one had accommodated them for the night and were now taking a stroll through the already busy streets of the settlement to get a better idea of what Heral had spoken of the other day. Even though Heral had been adamant to show them around and had insisted on them staying at least until this evening so that there was enough time to give them a complete tour around, he'd been unexpectedly called away this morning, having him reschedule their little sightseeing tour to the afternoon. Sisko breathed in the clean and crisp air. And for once, even the dark thoughts of the last days were driven from his mind. At least since the day three days ago when Admiral Rand had informed him about the impending trial of Kasidy Yates…

"I'm glad you took Heral's offer to stay overnight. We would have missed this beautiful scenery if you hadn't." Kira turned and grinned in his direction with an unusual impish smile. Even though the sun had risen not more than one hour ago, she seemed fully awake, eager to explore their surroundings as if she was a child ready to embark on an adventure. Sisko arched one brow.

"You make it sound as if we're on vacation," he said in a reprimanding tone, though he didn't really mean it. "If I may remind you, Major, we are guests of this planet following an official invitation from the central government of their home world."

"You make it sound like a diplomatic mission," Kira observed, equally arching one brow.

"It is," Sisko reminded her as he followed her along the cobble stone path that led through the settlement. The streets were lined with one- or two-story houses some of which had a small garden attached to it where some of the citizens were already busy working and cleaning. An old man next to them looked up when they passed him. He nodded a short greeting before he turned back to weeding his garden, wiping sweat from his forehead.

Sisko reciprocated the greeting.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure. Just ask Dr. Bashir or Chief O'Brien. I bet they will give you plenty of reasons to stay for at least another week."

Sisko couldn't help a chuckle. There was no doubt his crewmen were enjoying themselves. He had only briefly seen them this morning upon waking but both had looked like they were ready to grab their backpacks and march off into the wilderness, ready to continue whatever adventure they were enjoying in the holosuite in real life.

A few intersections later, they came to a broader road, lined with small houses to both sides. It continued into the distance and lead up to a round building which was by far bigger than the others he'd seen so far. It was standing slightly aloof, a small patch of green, probably some grass or garden, running around it in a circle. High above the ground, almost under the roof, a series of narrow windows was set into the wall. A plain wooden door seemed to be the only entrance into it.

"Looks like the temple Heral spoke of," Kira commented as she followed his gaze. "I wonder what it looks like from the inside…"

"Why don't you ask Heral? I'm sure he'd be thrilled to show you around." Sisko simply said as he started down the path, toward the monument in the distance. "The Defiant's departure is scheduled for this evening. It still leaves you plenty of time to talk to Heral."

"He said something about a village festival. Why don't we stay until then? I don't see any reason to rush back to DS9. There isn't really anything waiting for our attention back home and I'm sure Lt. Commander Worf has everything under control," Kira said casually as she threw quick glances in every direction, as if she was searching for something.

"I'm not sure if this is a good idea," Sisko said with a frown. "I don't want to spend more time here than necessary."

Kira stopped. "Why not?" She looked as if she doubted his sanity. "When was the last time you were in a place like this? When was the last time you were on holiday? The only thing that's missing is the laughter of children to make the scenery complete! The place here is like something out of a vacation advert."

Sisko chuckled humorlessly. But she had a point. Sighing, he continued his way down the path. Kira was right. It really was idyllic a place. The thought only now crossed his mind that they really hadn't seen any children around. They had passed older people working in their little gardens, or met young men and women passing by. But he hadn't seen any small children, playing in the streets. Now that he came to think of it, the fact that he hadn't seen any children around did strike him as odd. He shook his head. Even if they obviously didn't have any medical facilities or trained medical personnel here, they surely did have schools of some sort. He made a mental note to ask Heral when they met again.

"You're still thinking of her," Kira suddenly stated, surprising him with the sudden change in topics.

For a moment, he thought about denying the truth. But then, what good would it do? And it hadn't really been a secret that Kasidy Yates and he had been dating. And that he had been in a foul mood ever since he had had to arrest her for smuggling weapons to the Maquis.

"Is it that obvious?" he asked with a sigh, though he didn't really expect an answer. Instead, he said: "She did what she thought was the right thing. And I did what I thought was the right thing. That's all."

Kira walked silently next to him. "Do you know when the trial will be held?" she finally asked, facing ahead.

"Admiral Rand said something about next week, though I don't really know any details."

Kira shot him an incredulous look. "You're not interested?"

"She did what she believed to be the right thing. She chose her life. And it didn't include me," he simply said. "It doesn't really matter when her trial is held because it doesn't change anything. Kasidy will be held responsible for smuggling weapons to the enemy. We both know what the outcome of this trial will look like. As will Kasidy." He swallowed against the bitter taste in his mouth. Why was talking about her still upsetting him so much? He'd done what had to be done. It had been his duty as a Starfleet Captain to put an end to her smuggling activities. They had both known the risks involved.

"But you still might want to hear what she has to say?"

Sisko pressed his lips into a tight line. "Perhaps I will. Some day." Not willing to dwell any longer on this subject, he shook his head. "Let's get back to the others and see if Heral has already sent word about our little sightseeing tour."

With that he took the lead, ignoring the Major's skeptical gaze that followed him down the cobble stone path.

=/\=

"I can't believe they don't have any proper medical equipment!"

Julian said with frustration as they sat down at the long wooden table for breakfast. "I mean, what if they get sick? Even if it is just a cold, or a sprained ankle, or a broken arm? How can you found a colony without seeing to that its citizens' basic needs are met?"

"Julian," Chief O'Brien across from him admonished. "They've done quite well without us. If Heral says that they are okay we should leave it at that. It's not as if they don't have the opportunity to receive proper medical care. They just don't want it, that's all. If they are happy that way, who cares?" the chief said before he spooned some porridge into his mouth.

"But they don't even have an infirmary!" Julian gave back vehemently, venting some of his disbelief.

"And that's none of our business. We don't even know these people. We've been here for one night. Even if you don't approve of their way of doing things you shouldn't interfere. After all, they seem to know what they're doing."

Julian sighed. "I'm just saying that I'm worried. The emergency last night wasn't exactly that." He lowered his voice. He didn't want anyone to take his words as an insult. He just didn't understand. "I'm not even sure if there really _is_ a healer. They were overwhelmed by the situation. You should have seen them. Every medical student in his first year would have known what to do."

O'Brien looked up at him, with his special hard-to-interpret face Julian knew he always donned when he wanted to tell him to keep his nose out of business that would bring him into trouble if he didn't. But Julian didn't really care at that moment. He wasn't in any particularly good mood today. In fact, he felt terrible. He had a headache and his stomach felt as if he was barely able to get his breakfast down – least of all keep it there. So he decided on some tea, politely declining the porridge one was serving for breakfast here. Staring at the tea, he idly wondered if his miserable physical condition had anything to do with yesterday's emergency.

After he'd come back to the others in the common room, they'd spent some more time together, chatting about everything that came to their minds. Another hour later, Heral had called it a night and showed them to their guest quarters though Julian had been unable to find rest for the better half of the night. And even when he had finally drifted off to sleep, he would start awake with nightmares. Some dealing with his days at the Academy, some with the Dominion and the Jem'Hadar. And some with his friends and family.

When morning had come, he'd felt barely rested. Worst of all, his stomach had been a mess upon waking. He chalked it up to yesterday's dinner and that perhaps he didn't tolerate the foreign food as well as he'd thought. He rubbed his tired eyes, wondering if that was the only thing what was wrong with him.

"Why don't we go for a walk after breakfast? Do some sightseeing? You've got your hands full on DS9, Julian. Whatever these people want to do here, it's not your problem. On the contrary, you saved that boy's life. But there's only so much you can do here as a guest," O'Brien said meaningfully.

"I know but…"

"I thought I would find you here," a cheerful voice suddenly interrupted, cutting of Julian's reply. They both turned to see Heral walking toward them. He looked confident as always, the shadow of yesterday's incident completely gone from his face.

"Good morning," Julian said with a polite nod.

"Doctor, Chief," Heral smiled, then turned toward Julian and added: "I know that you're just about to have breakfast, and I'm sorry to disturb you, but may I have a word with you?"

Chief O'Brien shot him a meaningful look. Julian ignored it and almost immediately drew himself up. "Of course," he said. Whatever Heral wanted from him, it most likely had to do with yesterday's emergency. He was sure of it. Something about the boy again?

As if Heral had read his thoughts, he smiled amicably. "The boy is fine if that's what is on your mind. There is something else I would like to hear your opinion on."

Julian shot an unsure look at O'Brien who just arched one brow. But then he nodded. "Chief, if you would excuse me." He didn't wait for another of O'Brien's quips and followed Heral. As soon as they were out of earshot, the older man came slowly to a halt. His smile had somewhat vanished, a blank expression on his face.

"I wasn't sure if I should address you," Heral began slowly, as if he had spent a great deal on selecting the right words. "I'm aware that you are only a stranger to us. But after all, I think it is safe for me to assume that you don't wish us any harm. We are still indebted to you for what you did yesterday."

"I just did what I could," Julian offered hesitantly. He wasn't sure what the earnestness in the other man's voice was so suddenly about.

Heral nodded. "Well, there is something else I would like to hear your opinion on. If you don't mind, I mean." The other man was watching him expectantly with scrutinizing eyes, as if he was trying to read Julian's face.

"I would be glad to be of help," Julian heard himself say before he was even aware of it.

"Could you spare some minutes then? There is something I want to show you…"

Julian nodded, beckoning for Heral to take the lead. The other man flashed a quick, grateful smile before he turned and went out into the corridor, waiting for Julian to follow. With a last look back at O'Brien who was still sitting over his breakfast in the distance, Julian turned and headed after him.

Julian followed Heral in silence. After they left the common room where still a lot of Heral's people were having breakfast and enjoying themselves over a good strong cup of coffee, Heral strode purposefully through the long hallways. Julian tried to remember the way and keep his bearings on the way but in the end the corridors would branch off in different directions every now and then, making him wonder how big the administrative building really was. Judging from the time it took them to reach their destination, the complex must be larger than its outer appearance suggested. Every now and then, Heral would exchange a short greeting with other passers-by and every single of those times the other person's eyes would stray over to Julian and as quickly back to Heral before they went on pursuing whatever duty had brought them here. Julian couldn't shake the feeling that he was being scrutinized by every person they met.

Another intersection later, Heral suddenly stopped.

When he turned, a seriousness lay on his features Julian had never seen there before. It took him slightly off guard.

"Doctor Bashir, what I am now going to show you has to remain between you and me. It doesn't happen often that we trust outsiders and usually we don't trust anyone we have just met the other day."

Julian felt a flutter of excitement. But he only nodded, eager to hear in spite of himself what the older man had to say.

"I would appreciate it… if you didn't tell your Captain. Or any other of your comrades for that."

Julian shot him a puzzled look but didn't press for further information.

"I won't tell anybody. I'm a doctor. And from where I come from a doctor is bound by his oath to keep silent and not talk about anything that transpires between himself and his patients." Julian hoped that it would be enough for Heral. He somehow couldn't shake the feeling that he was so close to finally getting some answers.

"I take your word," Heral said solemnly but nodded. Slowly he resumed walking, waiting for Julian to follow.

"When I told you that we usually don't have any greater medical emergencies, it was no lie. I know that you don't quite believe me, Doctor. For you it must sound nothing short of extraordinary. But to be honest, it isn't. On the contrary. We barely need medical attention, not due to sickness or a weak body. I have to admit that sometimes accidents happen. Some broken bone or some wound during work on the fields. But fortunately, we have been spared the calamity brought upon us by sickness. At least until recently."

They had reached a double winged door, obviously leading outside. Through the window next to it, he saw a lot of green, so it probably must lead out into some kind of garden. Heral pushed it open and another moment later they were standing in dazzling sunlight. Julian squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden brightness. He blinked several times till his eyes adjusted. It was a small garden, fenced with a large wooden wall. Bushes were perched along the wall and from somewhere in the distance he could hear the familiar lapping of water.

Until something suddenly crashed into him. Julian jerked around.

"I told you that someone was coming outside! Now you shot him. Look at what you've done!"

A boy with short brown hair stood frozen to the ground a few meters away, his eyes darting from Julian to the ball that was now rolling on the grass – and back. Next to him a girl with equally brown hair in two long braids and an expression on her young face as if she feared Julian would launch himself at her any moment now. She must have uttered the last words as she quickly ducked around the boy, hiding behind his back. Eventually she would peek over the boy's shoulder and her eyes would grow wide when she saw that Julian was still there, staring at her.

Heral arched one brow. "Doctor Bashir, may I introduce you to Seara and Max." And if in answer to his unspoken question he added: "They're twins."

Julian shot a surprised look at Heral. He didn't know what he had expected but somehow not this. He couldn't quite follow.

"Hey," Julian offered nonetheless and retrieved the ball he'd been shot with from the ground. With his best bedside manner, he brought it over to the kids, kneeling down before them so that his eyes were level with theirs. "I think you lost this."

The girl's eyes grew even wider, and the boy still stood ramrod stiff. They couldn't be more than nine or ten years old. The boy's hair was tousled, and he looked small for his age. The girl had a mischievous sparkle in her dark eyes as she peeked curiously over her brother's shoulder at Julian.

_He'd first seen her that morning in the classroom. The tall girl with the brown braids and the warm and mischievous grin on her face. He'd noticed her even before his teacher had introduced his new classmates to him. Standing in front of his new class, he'd shyly reciprocated the greeting, quickly moving over to where his new seat was waiting for him. He'd mostly kept his eyes on their teacher, trying to keep his mind busy and ignore the curious gazes from the boys and girls around him. Now the girl he'd already noticed before was standing right in front of him. She looked a little younger than him, her long brown hair still in braids, and the same open and genuine smile on her speckled face when she looked him straight in the eye._

" _Hey, you're Jules, aren't you! I saw you in today's class. You're new here, aren't you? I'm Sira and this is my brother Evin. They say that you and your father will be staying with us for a while. I bet everything is new and unsettling for you. But don't worry! You'll soon get used to everything. We'll have a great time! I promise! Let me show you around! Come on."_

_She extended her long, slender arm toward him and took his hand. Without waiting for his reply, she pulled him with her. He stumbled behind her, his heart pounding with nervousness and excitement._

When the girl and the boy wouldn't move, Julian offered a broad smile. "Hi. I'm Julian. And you are…?"

"Max," the boy said sheepishly. And behind his back the girl whispered: "Seara."

"Why don't you two play another round while Doctor Bashir and I have a talk among adults," Heral said and pointed to the far side of the garden.

"You're a doctor?" Seara exclaimed excitedly, her nervousness suddenly forgotten.

"Yes," Julian replied hesitantly, already running a diagnosis of the young girl in his mind. "Are you hurt?"

But before the girl could say another word, Heral had already sent them off playing.

"I'm sorry, Doctor, they're not really used to seeing others." And having seen the puzzled look on Julian's face he added: "They're orphans. They're mother died some months ago and they have been with us ever since."

Julian nodded. "I see."

"It is why I wanted to talk to you." Heral took a deep breath, clasping his hands behind his back. "We've never been victim to any threatening disease… not until recently."

"What happened?" Julian frowned.

"An unknown sickness that spreads among our population. Something we haven't found any cure to yet," Heral spoke softly. "You see, Doctor, I would have never asked for your help if it weren't so urgent. But as things are we're facing a dead end. And time is running against us."

"What kind of sickness?"

Heral looked him straight into the eye. "Something that kills. Slowly. And the problem is that it only befalls our children. Adults seem to be safe. At least until now."

Julian swallowed. "And you haven't found any explanation yet?" It wasn't really a question.

Heral crossed his arms over his chest. His mouth twisted. "No," he said and there was so much bitterness and defeat in that single word. "No one knows where it came from, and no one knows how to cure it. Fact is, my people are dying. And I don't know how to help them."

"I will do what I can," Julian said, almost in spite of himself. His gaze strayed over to where the twins were playing. Their laughter filled the little garden, as if they didn't have a care in the world.

"I'm glad to hear that. But let me make you promise one thing. Don't tell your Captain Sisko," Heral said seriously. "It's not that I don't trust him. But he is your commanding officer and if he gets word of the problems we're facing here, he's bound to report it back to our home world. We don't want them to know. When we came over from Dolos V, we were ready to leave everything behind. We've been living autonomously ever since, and I want to keep it that way. Besides, I know about their medical knowledge. Believe me, Doctor, they would be as helpless as we are now."

Julian frowned. He didn't really agree with Heral, but he also knew that he was in no position to argue with the man. If Heral had decided to trust him enough to turn to him for help, Julian would do everything in his power to help the colonists.

"I won't. I promise," he said solemnly. "But I will need access to the data you already collected."

Heral seemed relieved about the outcome of their conversation. "I will prepare everything necessary," he said with a nod. "In the meantime, let's get you back to your comrades. I will inform you as soon as we're ready."

When Julian followed Heral back toward the building, Seara stopped playing with her brother and came running over to him. She shyly came to a halt some meters in front of him. But finally, she found enough courage to ask: "Will you come back to us?"

Julian offered the most reassuring smile: "I will, I promise."

She smiled back. And then, she turned on her heels and ran back to the far side of the garden, where her brother was already waiting for her.

Heral's gaze also followed the girl. But something in his face gave Julian pause. He couldn't pin down the strange feeling but the look with which Heral observed the children gave Julian goose bumps. A moment later, and it was gone. With a quick smile, Heral just said: "I think we should go back inside."

On their way back, they met again some passers-by every now and then. But this time, Julian didn't really pay attention. He suddenly felt dizzy and light-headed but couldn't explain the sudden feeling. Perhaps it was still the food which was troubling him. He felt short of breath and shook his head several times to banish the haze out of his mind. It had to be the food. He was sure that it was the reason…

=/\=

"Are you sure this is the right way?"

The man standing next to the big window slightly tilted his head to have a better look out the large window that overlooked the green in the distance. His eyes were constantly moving, as if they were searching for something – or someone.

"You've seen the boy, Klyn," the other man at the small desk in the middle of the room said as he finished the document he had been writing and leaned back. He sighed. It was a heavy sigh, full of resignation and lost hope. "There is no other way. You know it. You've seen what happened."

"He's too old."

The man at the desk snorted. "He's a boy. He's barely older than Evest."

"And Evest didn't survive the procedure," the other man said without turning.

"He wasn't fit for it. It was my fault. But you've seen this one. He's got passion. It'll work."

"What guarantees you that your intuition is right? We still have the twins. I would say let's do as we planned. Everything's as good as ready. If something goes wrong, we can still think of another solution."

The man at the desk briskly rose from his chair, the vein in his throat pulsing. "There is no other solution, Klyn. We've run out of options," he said vigorously. He let out a heavy sigh and walked over to stand next to the other man at the window. "It's the only chance we have. If we don't seize it now, we'll be doomed. We don't have much time left."

"But what will you do about Captain Sisko and his crew?"

"I will think of something."

"That's not good enough. He's bound to notice that something's wrong. They're already suspicious as things are now. We can't risk letting them interfere."

"Klyn, as I said, leave it to me. Please." The last words almost sounded like a plea.

"You are sure that it'll work, aren't you?"

"I took a quick sample and carried out a test shot. The test results are fine. His physiology is compatible to ours. It will work."

The man at the window sighed and folded both arms in front of his broad chest.

"It better will…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Captain Benjamin Sisko stood with his hands on his hips, the warm sunlight reflected by the beads of sweat on his forehead. He'd assembled his senior staff at a quiet spot outside in the garden – all except one person no one knew where he was. He'd already told his crew to get ready for departure this evening and even though they didn't really look appreciative no one had openly complained. Major Kira seemed a little crestfallen that they had to leave so soon and said that she intended to ask Heral to show her the temple before their departure. It seemed to be very important to her.

In a way, she seemed very completive these last two days. Even though she somehow stroke him as much more talkative than usual since their arrival here at Coldron, there would be a slight frown on her young Bajoran face every now and then, and a shadow of sadness crossing her features when she thought no one was watching her. He found it slightly odd but decided not to think too much of it. Everybody had a time like this every once in a while and Kira was of no exception.

"As I said, we'll follow Heral's invitation to show us around. But then we really need to get going back to DS9. We still have a few hours until then. I scheduled the Defiant's departure for 2200 hours. Please enjoy yourselves as long as you can."

When he dismissed his officers and was about to rise, his eyes fell on the far end of the garden and he saw the last missing person of his senior staff hurrying over to them. Julian Bashir was jogging across the green toward them, and judging from the look on his face, he was obviously aware that he had just missed the Captain's briefing.

"Julian, there you are!" Jadzia waved him over, flashing a broad smile. "We've been looking for you. Where have you been?" She spoke Sisko's very thoughts, even though she used a slightly more lenient tone than he would have.

Bashir flashed a short, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I'm late," he blurted slightly out of breath. "I was talking to Heral. It was about yesterday's emergency. But nothing to worry about," he held up both hands as if to dispel their worries. Sisko felt a quick flash of anger at the young doctor's words – and regretted it the next moment. Bashir had just done his job. It was only natural that he wanted to help after one of the colonists had almost lost his life. He was a good doctor – but sometimes he also didn't know when to leave things be and got carried away by his enthusiasm. Somehow he couldn't shake the feeling that this was one of those times.

"We'll be leaving this evening at 2200 hours according to schedule," Sisko gave a very short account of what he had just explained to the rest of them. He decided not to comment on the doctor's absence.

Bashir's brow furrowed. "Is there any chance that we can extend our stay here a little longer?"

Yes. It was definitely one of those times.

"I just met with Heral and his staff. They were overwhelmed by yesterday's emergency. I offered to teach them some first aid measures and Heral gladly accepted. I'm not sure if one day will be enough, though," Julian hesitantly added. He had his lips pressed into a tight line, as if he was thinking hard about something.

Now that he had a closer look, the young man seemed paler than usual. Even though he radiated the same Bashirish energy, something had apparently dampened his mood. Sisko wasn't sure if he was just tired or if something else was on the doctor's mind.

"I see your concern, Doctor. But I think Heral and his men have everything under control. They can ask for help from their home world if they really need it. There is no need for us to interfere here."

Bashir seemed to stiffen. "But Sir…"

He silently blew out some breath. Somehow he had seen it coming. That was the problem with the young man. He just didn't know when to keep his nose out of other people's business. And right now, Sisko didn't feel the slightest inclination to argue with Bashir.

"But it's a unique chance, Sir," Bashir held. "They thought that they didn't need help before. Now they've seen that they were wrong and agreed to accept my help. I just want to do what I can for those people."

Sisko felt his patience dwindle.

"Just because you made them believe that they need your help doesn't mean they really need it," Sisko said.

The young man looked as if having been slapped across the face. For a short second, when Sisko saw the wounded look in the young man's eyes, he felt sorry for his harsh tone. But almost immediately his resolution was back. He'd already made up his mind and he wouldn't let his order be questioned.

"Sometimes you don't see the forest for the trees…," Kira suddenly jumped in, as if she had sensed the rising tension. She quickly took a step between Sisko and Bashir. "Perhaps Julian is right and it really was an event that woke them from their stupor."

Just as Sisko opened his mouth to put an end to the conversation, he saw another figure in the distance, coming closer. It was Heral.

"I'm glad I made it here in time, Captain. How is your stay here? Are you enjoying yourself?" Heral flashed a broad, warm smile as he nodded toward the other assembled crewmen to greet them. "As it is, I was just looking for you. I just spoke to the other elders. I think I have told you about the midsummer festival in three days? I'm aware that you are under a tight schedule, but I was hoping that you might be able to arrange to stay until then. We all agree that it would be a pleasure for us to welcome you to our festival."

Sisko looked at Heral's open smile, then at the slightly somber face of his first medical officer. Somehow he couldn't shake the feeling that Bashir hadn't told him the whole truth. To his credit, he kept his mouth shut, obviously sensing that if he wasn't careful, he'd only further Sisko's anger.

"Well, as for me, I wouldn't say no," O'Brien suddenly grinned, as if the prospect of another few days of shore leave was only too tempting. "Sounds fascinating."

Jadzia turned an expectant gaze toward him. She must be aware of his rapidly worsening mood because she had that particular look in her eyes. That special glint Curzon always had when admonished young Benjamin not to let his personal feelings interfere with his duty as Starfleet officer. "It really wouldn't make any difference to stay a few more days, Benjamin," Jadzia said softly, and arched one brow.

He did want to go home as soon as possible and he really didn't feel in the least like staying here for another three days. But he was painfully aware that he didn't have any real reason to deny the invitation either. No matter his private feelings, they were on a foreign world, after all. And the invitation was spoken by the leader of this settlement, so basically he wouldn't do anything good by declining it. With an inward sigh he weighed his options. Grudgingly, he had to concede that he didn't have much choice.

"Well, if it is this important to you I don't see any reason that speaks against it," he said in a neutral tone, carefully keeping his thoughts to himself.

"Thank you, Sir," O'Brien grinned. Even Kira couldn't hide a smile.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Heral beamed. "Everyone will be thrilled. They're putting so much effort into the preparations. I think they'll be delighted to know that someone from the outside world will be attending the festivities this year." His countenance became a little less enthusiastic. "Concerning our sightseeing trip today," he said with a slight frown, "I'm so sorry but I had to ask one of my men to show you around. I would have loved to do it myself but unfortunately there is something urgent which requires my presence this afternoon. I hope you'll forgive me. I've put it off for so long, I don't want to keep you waiting any longer so I thought it would be a nice idea to have Krit show you around. He'll be meeting you in one hour, is that okay?"

Sisko nodded. "We're looking forward to it."

"Good." Heral flashed a quick smile before he suddenly turned to Bashir. "There is something else, I wanted to discuss with Dr. Bashir. Something I forgot to mention earlier," Heral suddenly changed topics. He said it like in an excuse. "Is it convenient for your now, Doctor? Or shall we talk later?"

Bashir quickly nodded. "Ah… of course." And toward his comrades he said: "If you'll excuse me."

As he left to follow Heral back toward the main building, Sisko felt his heartbeat faster. There was something Julian hadn't told him. Something between him and Heral. And Sisko didn't like it. He took a deep breath, pinching his nose.

"Benjamin, is everything okay?"

Jadzia was studying him with a worried frown. She knew him all too well not to notice his slowly rising anger. Though she didn't seem to be aware of the real reason for it. He shook his head. He knew that he let himself be bothered by Julian's behavior way too much and he was even startled by the sudden feeling of hostility toward the young man. But somehow he couldn't help it. He didn't like being kept in the dark about things, especially not by someone who was first much younger than him and second he outranked.

With a snort he shook his head. "Never mind."

=/\=

Julian bent over the old-fashioned microscope, studying the content with a frown.

"And you are sure that it's the same with all adults here?" he asked in confusion, trying to make sense of the strange sight that was greeting him.

"Positive," the man next to him said slowly, as if he was not sure what Bashir was getting at.

Julian's brow furrowed even further. "To tell the truth, I've never seen anything like it. I checked the whole row of samples you brought me but in not one of them I can find any kind of antibodies." He shook his head, for the first time in his life at a complete loss at what he was facing.

"And that is… bad?" Heral probed apprehensively.

Julian leaned back with a subtle sigh. "Well, bad would be the wrong word to describe it. I'd rather say it's _unusual_."

"In what way?"

Julian took another look into the microscope, at another sample, but here again everything looked exactly the unsettling same. How on earth was this possible? He'd seen cases like this before but not outside a series of tests in a laboratory. He leaned back to look up at Heral.

"Your blood doesn't show any signs of antibodies. Which is unusual because every physiology needs something to defend itself against threats from the outside, like bacteria or viruses and other pathogens like that. Your body doesn't have any antibodies, so theoretically it should have long since succumbed to any threat from your environment." He thought for a moment, a strange thought suddenly crossing his mind. He quickly flipped open his medical tricorder, taking a quick scan of their surroundings.

"What are you doing?" Heral eyed him suspiciously.

"Scanning the environment for threats," he simply explained. But he found none. He shook his head in confusion. "That is impossible… There are absolutely no signs of microorganisms or bacteria in the environment. So, no wonder your body doesn't show any signs of antibodies. You don't have any because you were never exposed to substances that would warrant the production of antibodies… Which is strange because if there was a sickness spreading through your population, you would be the first to succumb to it."

Heral was watching him closely now. "You mean it doesn't make any sense to you that we haven't died of any kind of sickness already?"

"Yes," Julian said truthfully, retrieving a vial with a blood sample from the table. "I took some of Seara's blood. It's the same here. Neither you nor your children have any kind of antibodies in your system. Which should be fatal in and of itself. But considering the fact that there is nothing there your body needs to defend itself from, I guess it _could_ make sense." Then he paused. "It still doesn't explain, though, why the sickness you spoke of would only befall adults. Coming to think of it, can you tell me anything more about what the symptoms look like? Describe to me what it is like? Perhaps I can find something in our database?"

Heral shook his head, a bitter smile on his face. "There isn't really much to describe, Doctor. The symptoms, as you call it, are that our body functions grow weaker. At first we don't notice – not until it is too late. You don't feel well, and then all of a sudden you fall asleep to never wake up again. Your vital functions cease to function soon after. It's a silent and quick death. And the most maddening thing about it is that it only takes our children. Do you know how it feels like if your son or daughter is so suddenly robbed from you? We need to put an end to this madness. The sooner the better."

Julian nodded. He didn't really know what to respond. "I will do my best."

"Thank you, Doctor Bashir."

"Is there anything I can do to help you?" Seara's young voice drew his attention. She was still sitting patiently on the bed across the room, her long, thin legs dangling from the mattress. She was watching him with big, dark eyes.

" _Don't you think our teacher will be mad? I don't think we should do this…"_

_Sira flashed him a broad grin. It seemed as if she had already played everything through in her mind, as always. She didn't seem in the least troubled by the prospect of what would happen if Ms. Mebl found out what they were doing alone at night in their classroom. "She won't find out that it was us. But we'll still have a lot to laugh at!" she whispered eagerly when she pushed some buttons on the padd in her hands. Her face suddenly lit up. "Look!"_

_He glanced toward Evin who was still peering through the door, eyeing the corridor to both sides. At Sira's words, he turned, hurrying over to the two of them to have a look over Sira's shoulder. He almost burst out laughing. "What is this?"_

_Sira put her finger over her lips, as if she was telling him to keep silent. Then she quickly put the padd back into the drawer and closed it with a quiet thud. "You'll see tomorrow in class! Make sure you're not late!"_

_He chuckled in spite of himself, the thought of Ms. Mebl's face when she opened their textbook padd the following morning just to find a huge smiling worm wobbling over the display and eating up their textbook files was too funny. It even succeeded in drowning out the anxious thought of what would happen should his dad find out that he had sneaked out of bed in the middle of the night to take part in one of Sira's little adventures._

"Do you need to take another sample of my blood?"

The girl's anxious question brought him back from his thoughts. He shook his head, pushing the memory from his mind.

"I'm sorry, Seara… Thank you for your help," he said apologetically. "I have all the samples I need and I took a whole scan of your body. Let's see if we can find out what is wrong with your friends."

She didn't look convinced. At the mentioning of her "friends" her face took on a sad look. Her lips drew into a thin line as she simply nodded.

"But if you like, you can help me sort through the blood samples," Julian offered and immediately Seara's face lit up. She came eagerly over, taking a seat next to him. While he showed her how to bring the samples into the right order, the door opened and another man – the same man who had come to get Heral on the first evening they had spent here – came in. His face was a mask as always. He didn't greet him or acknowledge his presence in any other way. Julian didn't often find himself dislike other people but the man in the doorway was one of them.

He didn't even have to say a word for Heral to clear his throat and address Julian. "Dr. Bashir, there is something I need to see into. If you would excuse me for a moment."

Julian couldn't help but wonder what business Heral needed to tend to. But then it was none of his business and he had his hands full with his research at hands. Heral followed the other man out of the door, leaving them alone to themselves.

"Is he always so busy?" Julian half joked with a wry smile.

"Only sometimes," Seara said with a serious face, trying to sound all grown-up. "He's always having those meetings with Klyn."

"Klyn?"

"His right hand," Max offered, as he came sauntering over from the windowsill where he had been sitting and watching the last hour. "He's the one who is closest to Heral and he does a lot of things for Heral."

Julian nodded. "I see…"

"I don't like Klyn," Seara suddenly said, pouting. "He's big and frightening. And he never smiles."

"Seara, stop it. You know that you shouldn't talk about him in that way. He's one of our leaders, and he cares for us."

"I know what you mean," Julian said in a conspiratorial tone. "I don't really like him either."

Max shot him a shocked look, as if he couldn't believe that Julian had just voiced his thought aloud. But then he seemed to think better of it and offered a crooked smile. "I don't think anyone really likes him. He's taken care of us since we came here and he hasn't treated us unkind. But he's not very open. He never talks much, and I don't even know if he really likes children."

Seara suddenly looked pale. "I…" she started, swallowing. "I want to go back to Mum. I want to go back home. How long do we have to stay here?"

Julian felt sorry for the little girl. She had just lost her mother. It was only natural that she wanted to be with her again – even though she would never again be able to.

"Seara, I'm sorry what happened to your mother," Julian said with as much sympathy as he could muster. He knelt down before her, taking her small hands in his. "And I promise we'll find a cure to this sickness before others will have to die."

The girl regarded him with a frown. "My Mum is not dead," she simply said, defiance in her tone.

"Seara!" her brother hissed.

The young girl turned toward her brother, anger in her young face. "Mum is _not_ dead! I want to go back to her. I want to go home!"

Julian wasn't sure what this was about. Heral had clearly said that the twin's mother had died some months ago and that the twins were now raised by Heral and his men. But looking at Seara now, he knew that she was convinced of what she was saying. Could it be that she didn't know? He wasn't sure, and he decided it was best to play along.

"Where is your Mum?" he asked gently.

Before Seara could reply, her brother had come over, gripping her arm. "Seara!" His voice was distressed. "You know that you shouldn't talk that way! And you know what Heral said about talking of our mother!"

Julian watched the strange conversation, already forming a question in his mind when the door was opened again and Heral came back. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. Seara's gaze dropped down to the ground while Max busied himself with studying the samples Julian had arranged on the table.

"Is something the matter?" Heral asked with a frown.

"No," Julian quickly shook his head. He didn't know why but he thought it best to keep their conversation private. "We were just about to sort through the blood samples. I wanted to show them what their blood actually looked like in a microscope."

Heral nodded. He seemed preoccupied.

"Let's leave it as this for the moment. There is something else, I wanted to show you, Doctor. Dinner is ready soon and I wanted to ask you to join us this evening."

"Of course," Julian said with a quick side glance at the twins.

"Good," Heral grinned, beckoning him to follow. And addressing the children he said: "You two go ahead. I will bring Dr. Bashir in a minute."

Seara and Max left without a word, and Julian couldn't help noticing how intimidated they suddenly looked. What was that about Seara's mother? He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

=/\=

When Julian entered after Heral, the first thing that took him by surprise was the size of the room. During dinner the night before, they had used the common room in the main authority building. It had been a cozy, little place, designed to hold perhaps 10 to 15 persons only. But when Julian let his gaze wander over the assembled rows of tables here, the place was much bigger, holding to as much as 40 or 50 persons. Most of the tables were occupied now, dinner as it seems having already started.

"What is this place?" Julian couldn't help but marvel at the sheer size of the hall. There were so many people here. And most of all – _children_. He frowned. Now that he had a closer look, most of the seats were occupied by boys and girls. Most of them older than Seara and Max, rather in their teens. But nonetheless it were children.

Heral seemed to have followed Julian's gaze. He gestured for Julian to take a seat at one of the tables. "Our way of protecting our children," he said solemnly. "We have lost so many already, we don't want to lose these kids as well. So we have brought them here, to protect them from whatever it is that has befallen our colony. We thought it would be safer here than outside for them."

Julian sat down next to a girl, thanking the older woman who put a bowl with hot stew on the table in front of him. He wasn't really hungry – not after his experience with yesterday's dinner – but he couldn't be so rude to decline the food he'd been offered. He only hoped his stomach would handle it better this time than the day before.

"We're lucky your Captain Sisko accepted our offer to stay for another few days," Heral said nonchalantly waiting for Julian to take the cue and start eating. "He seems to be a very busy man. I'm glad he agreed to stay for another few nights until our midsummer festival. It gives us more time to work together."

Julian couldn't agree more. He was glad Captain Sisko had accepted. For a moment, it hadn't looked as if he would.

"I'm just worried that he might change his mind in the eleventh hour…" Heral sighed. "He is a Starfleet Captain, after all. If his duty calls him away, there isn't really much we can do about it."

"I'm sure he'll keep to his word," Julian said after a spoonful of stew. "He is… just preoccupied, that's all. I don`t think he really feels like… taking some time off." He knew exactly what was weighing so heavily on the captain's mind these last days. He'd heard from Dax and he couldn't really blame his captain. He wasn't sure, however, if it was anything to be discussed with Heral. It was a private matter after all. So he chose not to go into detail.

"I see. However, I would be very obliged to you if you could put in a good word for us with your captain. Just in case."

Heral seemed honestly afraid that Sisko could change his mind. He wasn't sure what to make of it. At first they didn't want any help and now they were terrified of losing it.

"I'll try," he said.

Dinner passed rather uneventfully. Heral showed him around and introduced him to a few others, making Julian wonder when exactly Heral intended to work with him to find a cure to their mysterious illness. He politely shook hands or answered questions about where he came from and what life there was like. But at the same time, he was also aware of their curious gazes, the whispering behind his back and the strange looks some of them turned toward him. It made him feel like an intruder. An outsider who wasn't supposed to be here. But strangely, Heral didn't seem to care, a content smile on his face when they finally called it a night and he showed him back to the main complex from where Julian could find his way back to their guest quarters.

When they parted in the main hall, the place was already quiet. It was rather late, the sun having already set some hours earlier. Julian stifled a yawn, telling himself that he better get into bed. His head hurt and he felt slightly dizzy. Probably due to the fact that he'd felt constantly on edge these last two days. He was eager to get down to work to find a cure for these people. But it was difficult as he barely knew what he was dealing with. Somehow he got the feeling that Heral wasn't telling him everything. He only hoped that he would change his mind tomorrow. Heral was right, Sisko probably wouldn't agree to extend their stay here any longer than to the midsummer festival and he was painfully aware that – even with three additional days – they were slowly running out of time.

Captain Sisko hadn't really seemed thrilled about the prospect of having to spend another three days at the colony and Julian couldn't shake the feeling that somehow Sisko didn't quite approve of his actions here. But then, it was not as if the captain had been in a very bright mood these days. Everyone knew how much the incident with Kasidy Yates got to him, so Julian had decided not to take his harsh tone personal.

When he rounded the corner to head toward his guest quarters, he suddenly felt sick.

A sharp and stabbing pain brought him to an abrupt halt. At the same time, he felt the muscles of his stomach clench. He tried to inhale slowly through his nose. But it didn't help. He cursed his luck. It must be the food. He'd already felt like something was off with him after yesterday's dinner, and his body's reaction now unmistakably told him that his suspicion had proven true. The food just didn't become him. He almost doubled over when another wave of pain coursed through him.

Almost running toward his room, he made it in time to the wash basin before he unceremoniously threw up his dinner. Heaving and retching, he grabbed the basin for support, waiting until his muscles somewhat started to relax.

He felt awful.

His head was throbbing and his stomach was a mess. At least the stabbing pain was gone. He quickly washed his face before he stumbled into his room and collapsed onto the bed. He didn't even bother to take off his shoes.

_Bright lights were flying by above his head in regular intervals. The face of a nurse looking down at him, a worried frown on her face. "Everything will be fine, relax. We'll take care of you." Her gentle words oddly contradicted the seriousness on her features when she addressed someone outside his field of vision._

" _Get him ready for surgery. Tell Dr. Gron that his examination results are already online. Don't waste your time. We have to be quick."_

_He just stared ahead at the blinding lights above him, now flying by at a different angle. His stomach was a mess. Everything hurt. He had trouble keeping his eyes open, even though the nurse at his side insisted that he must not close them and tell her about his favorite book. He didn't know why she would want to know about his favorite book when everything around him was in an uproar, people milling around him, shouting orders to each other, but he complied with her request without questioning her order. He hadn't even made it to tell her of the main character when he felt his eyes close against his will._

" _Jules, do you hear me? You have to stay awake!"_

_He tried to open his eyes but found it just impossible to obey._

" _Are you ready for anesthesia? We need an IV! Be careful, don't move him around too much!"_

"Sisko to Dr. Bashir."

Julian groaned, rubbing his tired eyes. He cursed the perfect timing but struggled into a sitting position all the same. His head still throbbed painfully but at least the roiling sensation in his stomach had somehow receded. He didn't know how late it was but judging from how much he was longing for his bed, he decided it was too late already. Hopefully, the captain could wait until tomorrow.

"Bashir here, go ahead, Captain," he tried to banish the tiredness out of his voice.

The captain's voice, on the contrary, was firm over his combadge and didn't betray much of his emotions. "Could you come to my room, please?"

_Now?_

But out loud he said: "On my way." Julian crawled out of bed, wondering why Sisko wanted to see him so late at night. With a wistful look back at his bed he wished he could just go to sleep and forget everything around him. But then he took a deep breath and headed for the door.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

When he knocked on the captain's door, he was immediately called in.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" he said, even while he came in and quietly closed the door behind his back, careful not to make much noise at this late an hour.

Sisko stood next to the window. Outside it was already dark, the sun having set some hours ago. But thanks to Coldron's two moons, it wasn't really pitch-black. The scenery outside the window was bathed in a gray twilight which left enough light to discern things – similar to a full moon night on Earth. There wasn't really much to see, though. Most of the settlers must have returned home by now and the streets outside were empty.

When Julian stepped closer, and saw the look on Sisko's face, he immediately knew that he was in trouble. He knew his commanding officer too long not to notice the ill-boding expression on his face, the way he carried himself just minutes before he unleashed a storm. He had once seen Sisko deal with Admiral Nechayev and it had made him silently wish to never become a target of Sisko's anger himself. To his dismay, it was clear that Sisko was in a more than bad mood, even though Julian had no idea what it could so suddenly be due to. The captain obviously hadn't been very thrilled when he`d missed the senior staff briefing either but something else had obviously happened.

"Would you mind telling me where you have been?" the captain suddenly demanded without much preamble, catching Julian slightly off guard. It was hard not to notice the open hostility in the captain's voice.

"Excuse me, Sir?" he said, not at all sure what all this was about.

"You haven't been to dinner. No one has seen you since this afternoon. You don't respond to any of my hails." There was obviously a lot more on Sisko's mind but instead he kept silent. Which was even worse than if he had openly shouted at him.

"I was with Heral," Julian simply said, sticking to the truth.

"I figured as much," Sisko crossed his arms over his chest. "But you could at least have told us where you were. Why didn't you respond to my calls?"

"Which calls? I didn't receive any calls…" Julian didn't know what Sisko was referring to. Given, he hadn't reported that he wouldn't see them for dinner. But then it wasn't as if he needed to inform Sisko of his every action, especially as his days here were considered shore leave.

"You didn't get my calls because you were busy with Heral? What did you talk about?" The captain's tone was outright menacing. As if he wasn't willing to tolerate any excuses. Julian struggled to think of a reason that would make Sisko so angry. He'd never seen him like this. Not this hostile and full of resentment. Almost unconsciously, he straightened.

"I'm sorry but I can't talk about it," he said, even though he knew that Sisko wouldn't leave the matter simply be. But he had given his word to Heral. And it was not as if he was endangering anything or anyone by keeping to his word.

"I'm your captain and commanding officer, I have a right to know." Sisko's glare was piercing right through him.

"I cannot tell you. I'm bound by my oath as a doctor. I hope you can understand that. I just need a little more time. I'm onto something. Heral needs my help and I'm positive that I will be able to give it to these people…"

Sisko thrust his hands up in exasperation. Then he put them on his hips.

"To tell the truth, I don't care about your oath as a doctor. As your commanding officer, I'm in charge of my crew's safety which includes you. So either you tell me what you had to do with Heral or I need to order you to tell me."

Julian felt as if someone had slammed a door in his face.

"I gave my word not to talk about it," he said in as neutral a tone as he could.

"So now it's you who decides what is best for this crew."

"I didn't say that."

"No?" Sisko arched one brow in mock surprise. "You just play a lone hand. You don't even bother to report what you're doing. You're arrogant and presumptuous! Starfleet doesn't have their Prime Directive just for the fun of it. You cannot go to a foreign world and mess with the customs of its people as you see fit."

Julian tried to stay calm and tried not to let on just how much the captain's words hurt. He'd never known that Sisko valued him so little or that he thought of Julian's actions as bothersome. Of course he knew that everything had been different four years ago when he had newly come to the station. But he had thought that by now they would trust each other.

"What are you getting at?"

"You tend to override everyone's judgment and do things on your own. You find a civilization destroyed and cursed by the Dominon. And what do you do? Promise them to get them a remedy – _you_ , the almighty healer. Then you crash down on a planet, you get captured by the Jem'Hadar, and what do you do? You don't try to escape. No. You try to _save_ them! You cooperate with the enemy and try to _save_ them! Just what have you been thinking?"

Sisko's voice had risen to a shout, a dangerous gleam in his eyes.

"I understand that it is not what you or Chief O'Brien would have done. But I'm a doctor and I swore an oath to protect life, no matter whose," Julian tried to stand his ground.

"Listen to yourself, Julian. That doesn't give you the right to act as you see fit or endanger my crew! You're damn right that Chief O'Brien or I would have handled the matter differently. And you see, that is exactly the problem with you. You think that rules don't apply to you. You put yourself above them. You do what you see right, and you don't care a damn what others think about it. But you know what? There are limits, even for you. You're a lieutenant and as a lieutenant I simply outrank you."

Julian didn't know what to respond. He wanted to defend himself – but the words were stuck in his throat. He'd never reckoned with such a tirade from Sisko.

"You don't trust me…" he finally said, hurt and disappointment warring for dominance in his voice.

But Sisko didn't relent.

"You don't really give me a choice. You're naïve and quick-tempered which doesn't make it easy to trust you. And your actions of late don't really help either." Sisko was glaring at him.

"I'm sorry to hear that and I'm sorry that you think about it that way," Julian said in a controlled voice. He stared straight ahead, trying to keep his own anger at bay. "Perhaps it's exactly the reason why Captain Yates chose not to discuss her actions with you."

He didn`t know why he said it. The words were out of his mouth before he could hold them back. But it obviously was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sisko suddenly closed the distance between them, raised his hand and slapped him across the face as hard as he could.

Julian's head flew to the side, pain exploding on his cheek. Almost in reflex, he lifted his gaze and stared at Sisko, in shock.

It wasn't so much the physical pain from the blow as rather the fact that his commanding officer had hit him. A person he'd always looked up to. A person he'd always trusted. Julian involuntarily stumbled backwards. Sisko was still seething with rage but he seemed to catch up on what he had done because he hesitated just a second too long.

Before Sisko could utter another word, Julian turned and stormed from the room.

=/\=

_He was running as fast as his legs would carry him. He had to get help. He had to bring his father back. The storm had finally passed, leaving the air crisp and clean. He could see the city in the distance. The sun was back in the cloudless sky and shone with all her force, making beads of sweat pearl on his temples._

_If he could just find somebody and get help. His heart hammered in his chest, his legs threatening to just give way. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, falling unheeded down onto the parched earth. He frantically pushed her image from his mind. He mustn't think. He mustn't think…_

_When his foot got caught on something, he was hurled forward. With a strangled cry, he fell. The air was knocked from his lungs when he tumbled down the steep slope, hitting ground every now and then, half falling half rolling down until he forcefully slammed into something. Pain exploded like a hot wave inside his abdomen. For a dreadfully long moment, he couldn't breathe. He tried to cry for his father, but no sound would come out. Instead, a coppery taste came filling his mouth._

_He somehow managed to roll onto his side, every movement sending ripples of pain through his body. He couldn't move. His head sank to the dusty ground. He needed to call help. He needed to help her. She would die if he didn't._

_But his body wouldn't obey him._

_He cried. Hot tears merged with motes of dust as he lay there, sobbing into the sandy ground._

=/\=

"I… really can't believe what I've done…"

Captain Benjamin Sisko was sitting on his bed, face buried in his hands, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. It still felt so unreal. Like in a dream. As if nothing of the past quarter of an hour had actually happened. But it had happened. And he was at a complete loss at how it could have come so far.

Dax was sitting on the chair next to him, a completive frown on her young face. He had called her as soon as he'd cooled down far enough to realize what he had just done. He'd needed to talk to someone. About his sudden outburst and how it had driven him to lash out at his Chief Medical Officer. He was a captain, by all means! He knew that he could have a hot temper sometimes, but this here was different.

He had wanted to hurt Julian.

Even if he felt reluctant to admit it, he had wanted to hurt the young man. Deliberately, venting his anger at him for not being completely honest with him. And the fact that he had actually gotten violent was all the more scaring.

"After all you told me, I can see where it's coming from," Dax said thoughtfully. She had her hands folded in her lap, patiently listening to Sisko's account of what had just happened.

"No, Dax, there's something wrong. I can feel it. Ever since we've come down here, I feel this rising anger inside me. I don't know where it comes from so suddenly. I know that I haven`t been myself since everything with Kasidy happened. But this here is different."

He looked her squarely in the eye. "Something's not right about this planet. I just hit one of my senior staff. I just hit Julian for god's sake!" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Even if I don't approve of his actions or his motive, I should have never let it come this far. I gave an oath to never harm my crew. I'm responsible for every one of them. I don't even know what to do if he decides to press charges…"

Dax shook her head, offering an amiable smile. "Benjamin, it's Julian we're talking about. He won't press any charges. He's been looking up to you. He'd never do anything against you."

He knew that she was right. And that made him feel even worse…

"You haven't seen the wounded look in his eyes," he softly said. "And the worst is that I wanted to hurt him. The deeper the better. I said some nasty things – and I don't even know why I did it or what triggered my emotions and actions. It's like ever since he hadn't shown up for dinner, I was on autopilot, just thinking about a chance to reprimand him for not being honest with me or confiding in me. I don't know what's gotten into me. This is just not me."

Dax stood, slowly pacing the room. "Now that you mention it, there is a perceivable tension on this settlement. I wasn't sure if I was only imagining things, but it would fit."

"What do you mean?"

Dax frowned. "I noticed that Chief O'Brien seems to me more bitter and sarcastic. He's obviously enjoying himself so it's hard to notice but some things he says don't really sound… like his usual self. It's hard to describe but it's just not like him being so pessimistic. And Kira… she is…" The young woman was obviously searching for the right words, "…she's so preoccupied with all things past. She keeps telling me about her time during the occupation ever since we came down here. She isn't usually this talkative about her own past, trust me. And then she's almost obsessed with the temple here. Then you tell me that you feel angrier than usual and the fact that you just vented your anger on Julian makes me believe that there really could be something about this place that is causing all this."

Sisko stroke over his beard. "I hope you're right. I should go talk to Julian. Apologize for what happened," he sighed, already about to draw himself up.

A knock at the door made him pause. He half expected an angry Bashir outside the door but when he called "come in" he was surprised to find Kira outside. The young Bajoran shortly acknowledged Dax, before she entered. She obviously had expected the captain to be alone.

"Captain, there is something I need to talk to you about. And I think it's urgent!"

Sisko frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Something's wrong about this place!" Kira burst out, flustered. She was agitated, that much was clear. Though he had no idea what could have happened to her in the middle of the night. He cast an unsure glance toward Dax who silently arched one brow.

Kira in the meanwhile was pacing up and down, obviously too agitated to keep still. "I went to see the temple Heral spoke of. I asked him to show me around, but he told me that unfortunately there's no service held and that the temple cannot be visited. It was a pity because I really would have liked to see what it looked from the inside. So I decided to take a walk…" She paused, her eyes seeking those of Sisko and Dax, as if she wanted to convey the importance of what she had seen there.

"I got held up and when I finally came to the temple, it was already dark outside. I just decided to have a look all the same. I'd been there for some time when I saw a woman. She wasn't aware of me being there and I didn't want to disturb her, so I just watched from the distance. She suddenly knelt into the grass with a bunch of flowers which she just lay down against the temple walls. During the whole day I've seen not a single person who so much as approached the temple, so I was curious as to what she was doing there. When I greeted her, she almost jumped out of her skin. I apologized that I had no intention of startling her and you'll never guess what happened then!"

Kira didn't wait for their response. "I just wanted to be nice. She looked distraught and I asked her if she was okay. That's when she suddenly burst into tears!"

Kira grimaced. "I didn't know what to do. She told me that her daughter was in there and that she was missing her so much. Frankly, I had no idea what she was talking about but considering the fact that she was laying down flowers in front of a temple, crying about her daughter, I just figured she must have died and she was grieving over her loss. So I said that I was sorry – and that's when she suddenly seemed to come around and noticed that I wasn't from here."

Kira put both hands on her hips. "You should have seen her face. She went from ashen to completely shocked. And then she said that she 'remembered us' and thanked us for all we had done for 'the boy'. The next thing I knew, she had pulled me to the side further into the shadows, telling me that we needed to leave this place immediately and that we're in big danger and that's when she suddenly recognized that we weren't alone any longer. Two men in white robes had suddenly come our way and when she saw them, she told me that she was sorry and ran away. I don't know if the other two men had noticed her. But she was gone before I could ask her what she meant by danger. I was thinking about what she said the whole way back here, but I still have not the slightest idea what this whole encounter was about."

Sisko felt a dark sensation in his stomach. Somehow it fit. He had known the instant he had set foot on the planet that something was not right. And Kira had just confirmed his suspicion.

"What shall we do now?" Dax frowned.

"I don't know about you, but I'm inclined to believe her," Sisko said at length, weighing the facts in his mind. "Something is wrong about this place. We haven't been treated unkind and I can't see any reason to pack our bags and leave – but I have this feeling deep down which I can't put my finger on. Let's be careful and get the others. We'll leave immediately. I'll tell Heral that we have an emergency back on board the Defiant. We don't have to leave orbit, but I'd feel a lot better if we're not staying here any second longer than we need to."

"Do you really think it's necessary?" Dax didn't seem convinced.

Sisko arched one brow. "After I just hit Julian? Yes."

"You hit Julian?" Kira asked, incredulous.

"We had a dispute and I lost my temper. So yes, I think it's necessary to get away from this place as quickly as possible. Dax?"

"I'll get Chief O'Brien and Dr. Bashir," she nodded, already drawing herself up.

"Good," Sisko said. "I will try to get hold of Heral and explain to him that we need to get back to our ship for an emergency. Whatever that warning was about, we need some time to find out more about it and put some distance between us and this world. Just try to find Chief O'Brien and Dr. Bashir. We'll meet again in the main hall."

=/\=

Julian was furious.

He couldn't believe what Sisko had done. His own captain! His commanding officer! The person he'd always looked up to!

He didn't know what was worse. The fact that Sisko had actually touched him or that he had berated him and had let him know how little he valued his person and the work he performed.

But the worst was that he knew that Sisko was right. He often _was_ doing things his own way, not caring much about what others thought about his actions as long as he deemed it the right thing to do. But this here was important. He couldn't leave now. He couldn't walk away from a task half-done. If Sisko ordered them back now, he'd lose his only chance to help these people. They'd be defenseless against the strange sickness.

" _I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, Jules," his father said as he sat down at the end of his bed, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. He looked tired and his face clouded over with palpable worry when his eyes searched his son's face._

_He shifted in bed, letting himself sink a little further into the soft bedcover. He still felt so tired and groggy, his eyes still heavy as if he could continue sleeping for days. A wave of relief washed over him when he felt his father's hand resting with a comforting touch on his leg. His father was here and now everything was going to be alright._

" _I talked to my colleagues. We'll leave back home tomorrow. They'll take care of my duties here and we'll go back to Earth."_

_He said it in a comforting tone, leaning closer to stroke Jules' tousled hair from his face._

" _The doctor said he wants to keep you here for another night, just in case. But tomorrow you'll be able to leave hospital. I'll pick you up first thing in the morning."_

_He found it hard to find his voice, but he had to ask. His stomach was in knots, his palms damp with sweat. "What… happened to Sira? Is she okay?"_

_His father's face drew into a painful grimace, as if he had hoped to avoid this particular conversation. He suddenly averted his gaze, staring out the broad window as if he was suddenly busy with searching something outside._

" _She…" he started, clearing his throat. "She didn't make it."_

" _She's dead?" he asked bluntly._

" _Unfortunately, they weren't able to help her. She'd been too far gone."_

_It came like a slap across the face. An icy hand closed around his heart. He couldn't think._

" _Can… can I see her?" he stammered._

_His father looked troubled. Finally, he shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea."_

" _And Evin?"_

" _Jules… he just lost his sister. I don't think you should bother him in a moment like this. He needs time to grieve his loss."_

" _But…"_

" _We'll be back on our way home tomorrow. You'll be back to your mother and back to your friends. You're safe and that's all that counts."_

He balled his hands into fists, storming along the corridor.

It was already late at night, the building quiet and deserted. But he didn't want to go back to his quarters now. He needed to do something, the anger the conversation with Captain Sisko had managed to stir up within him too hot to ignore.

When he rounded another corner, he suddenly bumped into Heral.

He hadn't seen the other man coming, and quickly apologized. Heral didn't seem to care. Instead, he was eying Julian with worry.

"You look agitated. Is everything okay?" he asked cautiously.

Julian quickly shook his head. "I… had an argument with my commanding officer," he decided to tell the truth, his cheek still throbbing where Sisko had hit him, reminding him of the open fury he'd seen in the captain's face.

Heral seemed suddenly crestfallen, as if he was anything but thrilled about the news. "I see. I hope it was nothing serious?"

Julian sighed. "I fear we're running out of time…"

Heral nodded. "It's good that I've found you then. We're running another test. Would you like to join me?"

"Now?" Julian shot him a perplexed look. They must be nearing midnight. "I…" he started but then thought better of it. He wasn't in any mood for sleeping and the last thing he wanted to was cross Sisko's path a second time this evening. "Well, there isn't really anything that would speak against it. If you don't mind, I'd like to join."

Heral smiled, gesturing for him to follow. "Then come this way!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Are you sure we have to leave immediately?"

Chief O'Brien frowned at her, even while he packed the few things he'd brought along into his daypack. He'd just been about to call it a night, having turned down the lights and settled himself into bed when a knock on the door had pulled him wide awake. When he'd opened the door, he was surprised to find Dax on the other side, an expression on her face as if something had happened.

"We're not sure. Benjamin is convinced that something is wrong about this place and Kira had a very strange encounter with a local who warned us to get ourselves to safety as long as we can. I'm not sure what all this is about but I guess it cannot hurt to be careful. At least as long as we don't know what we're dealing with."

When O'Brien retrieved his bag, he cast a last wistful gaze toward his bed. But it couldn't be helped. If Sisko was convinced they better leave right away, he was the last to oppose his orders.

"Have you seen Julian? I just stopped by his room, but he wasn't there."

O'Brien halted. "No, I haven't seen him since this afternoon. Not after he went with Heral." But when he saw her worried look, he knew that something must have happened.

"I guessed as much," Jadzia added with a sigh. She must have anticipated his question because she shook her head. "Julian and Benjamin had an argument and Benjamin accused him of defying his orders. Julian must have said something that made him furious and Benjamin hit him. Julian just left and now we don't know where he is."

"He hit Julian?" O'Brien couldn't help but ask in dismay. He couldn't imagine what Julian could have said to make Sisko so furious as to lose his temper…

"It's complicated," Dax grimaced. "And one reason why we need to leave now."

They went down the dark hallway toward the main hall when suddenly voices drifted over to them. A few steps further down the way, Sisko came into view, talking to a burly man O'Brien remembered from their first evening here. It was the same white-clad man who had so suddenly stormed through the door during dinner, calling Heral away to an emergency. He still wore the same long white robe, reaching all down to his ankles. He wore a somber and slightly dismissive expression, his arms folded in front of his chest, hands tucked into the sleeves of his robe. They were talking animatedly _. Or arguing?_ O'Brien thought with a strange, unsettling feeling in his stomach.

"I didn't say you know where he is. I just wanted to know if you have seen him? We're searching for him. I cannot track him down by his combadge and he's not answering my calls. I'm his commanding officer and if one of my crewmen is not answering my hails, I'm obliged to check and look into it."

O'Brien hoped the Captain was just pressing for information – not really threatening the other man. It was their first contact with these people after all… But witnessing the menacing expression on Sisko's face, he could suddenly very well imagine what the argument between Sisko and Julian must have looked like.

"I'm sorry that Dr. Bashir has not reported to you but as I said, I haven't seen him this evening and I'm sorry that Heral is currently not available. I can tell him that you wanted to see him and that he should go see you first thing in the morning but I'm afraid that's all I can do for you right now. I do hope that your doctor will report back to you soon but unfortunately there is nothing more I can do for you."

Chief O'Brien could see Sisko grit his teeth, as if he was anything but content with the answer. To his credit, he held himself back though. "Okay, then tell him what I told you. And if you happen to see Dr. Bashir, tell him to report back to me immediately."

The other man nodded and inclined his head.

Sisko beckoned them to follow and it was not until they were out of earshot and a few intersections down the corridor that he suddenly paused.

"I don't like it," he said with a dark frown. "He's insisting that he hasn't seen Julian, but this place isn't that big. The man I just spoke to – Klyn – he's one of Heral's men. So, if Julian was with Heral during dinner this evening, I bet Klyn was there, too. And if he was, he just lied to us."

"What can we do, Sir?" the O'Brien couldn't help but ask. He wasn't really worried yet that they hadn't found Julian. Perhaps he was just outside, taking a walk to cool down after his argument with Sisko. Or he was with Heral, discussing something about the colony's first aid system. It would be just like Julian.

Sisko looked absently down the corridor. "There isn't much we can do. We cannot leave without Dr. Bashir and as long as we don't know where he is, we don't have much choice but wait for his return."

"So we'll stay?" Dax asked.

"Seems like it, old man. But just in case, I'd suggest we stay together. From now on, I don't want anyone of you to go anywhere alone. We'll wait for Dr. Bashir and then we'll leave."

O'Brien could only hope that Sisko's misgiving wouldn't prove true.

=/\=

When he entered the room, the busy atmosphere inside took him by surprise. He had half expected Heral to sit stooped over a microscope, a candle burning slowly away next to him, casting long shadows at the walls around him. But the room he'd been let to was larger, and brightly-lit. People were milling about the place, some of which he'd already seen before. One of them was Myra, the other one of Heral's friends who had also shared dinner with them some hours earlier.

He offered a short greeting when their gazes met. Where there had been open warmth in the other woman's face only hours ago, her expression was now tense, her smile forced and not really reaching her eyes. He wondered what all these people were doing here. It was already late at night and it was surely no hour for a research team to do their job – even though he strongly doubted that this was what they were actually doing here.

"Julian!"

He stopped and turned toward the voice that had so suddenly called him back.

Seara and Max were both sitting on a pallet at the far end of the room, both wearing long, white robes with short sleeves, similar to those he'd seen on Heral's men. Max was staring blankly at his feet whereas Seara's eyes lit up when she saw Julian. She was hopping down from the pallet, already about to run over to him when Myra held her back by her shoulders, shaking her head and talking quietly to her. Julian couldn't hear what she was saying but the impact her words had on Seara were hard not to notice. The young girl immediately froze, her gaze dropping down to the floor. She didn't look his way twice when Myra guided her back to her brother, still talking quietly to the children.

Julian felt a pang of pity at their miserable sight. Where there had been a gleam of mischief in Seara's eyes only hours earlier, there was now only a profound emptiness. What were they doing here? What was this all about?

"We're about to run another test," Heral said next to him as if he had read his thoughts. "You remember the blood samples we checked today and you telling us about not having any antibodies in our system? Well, to tell the truth, it was one of those moments when I got painfully aware that the situation at hand is running out of control." He rubbed his tired eyes. "I thought that we'd somehow manage on our own but seeing you work so efficiently and in that professional manner of yours, I realized that I had been wrong. That this time is not a time to be picky." Heral sighed, a heavy sigh full of regret. "You were right to question our principles. Perhaps it was fate that brought you to us in time. Whatever it is we're facing, we won't be able to battle it with our usual means. We need knowledge, we need technology. We need _help_. If we don't accept help now, there won't be a colony left to defend once the sickness has spread among our people."

Heral turned his gaze forward at the scenery before them. "Which is why I contacted Dolos V and requested their help in this matter. They were shocked to learn the truth, to put it mildly. And they immediately sent us some of their medical equipment, together with some medically trained personnel to assist us. They might not know as much as you do but at least we're willing to allow their technology to guide us – at least this one time."

The confession took Julian by utter surprise. He could fathom how difficult a step it must have been for Heral to ask for help. He knew very well how adamantly the colonists had refused technological help in the past. Heral must have realized in the end that he wasn't left with much choice.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" Julian asked despite himself even before he could think better of it. The prospect of finally getting down to work sent a wave of excitement through him.

Heral rubbed his eyes, exhaling a long, tired breath, somehow defeated. "In fact, there is. I'm really sorry to ask you for help. Please feel free to turn down my request. But it's Seara and Max, our youngest. "He pointed over to where the children sat. "We need to take a scan of their bodies, down to the molecular level. I and our research team from Dolos V have already explained to them that the procedure is painless and that they won't even know that we're running a diagnostic on them. But they are scared. I can't really blame them. They've never before undergone any kind of examination, let alone one that involved something frightening like lying under a bulky piece of technology. If you could explain the procedure to them, perhaps it'll dispel their worry and fear."

Julian nodded. "I'll see what I can do."

They went over to where the children sat with Myra. Julian knelt down in front of the pallet until his eyes were level with theirs. "Hey," he softly spoke to them, "Heral told me what they asked you to do. They want to take a scan of your bodies, to see if everything is okay with you. It'll be quick and won't hurt. Would you do this for him?"

Seara's eyes were large and fearful. Tears were brimming in the corner of her eyes.

"I'm so scared," she whispered. "I don't want to be scanned. You have to lie down on a bed and they put something on your head. It's spooky."

She watched him with her big, brown eyes.

" _Jules, I can't feel my legs!"_

_He took her hand in his. Her fingers were warm and her palm damp. Her fever was rising, he could tell by the beads of sweat on her temples and the damp, tousled hair on her forehead. She looked so weak, the usual liveliness gone._

" _You have to hold on! My father will find help. Just a little longer. We're almost home!" he pleaded, utterly unsure what to do._

" _I'm so scared… My head hurts… and it's so warm." Her voice was as feeble as she looked. Her face had lost all of its color, her pallor startling. And suddenly, her eyes started to close._

" _Sira!"_

_He felt panic rise in his chest. What should he do? He looked toward the cave entrance. The storm was gone and so was his father._

" _Sira! Stay with me! My father will get us out of here. Just a little longer. Please!"_

_He felt hot tears shoot into his eyes and he desperately blinked them away. He didn't want to show her just how scared he was. He was the only one she could rely on. He needed to be strong. For their both sakes._

Julian thought for a moment. Then he took a deep breath.

"Okay, then how about I take the scan first? I show you that there's nothing to be afraid of – and then you'll do it? Would that be okay?" he offered with a reassuring smile, taking her trembling hands in his.

Seara searched his face, then nodded sheepishly. Even Max looked up at him and his face palpably lit up with relief.

"You don't have to do this, Doctor. I could never ask you to help us in this way," Heral quickly took a step forward, raising his hands to decline the offer. He seemed taken aback at Julian's proposal.

"No," Julian said, "don't worry. You need as much data as you can get. It's just a scan. It doesn't bother me and I would be happy to be of help. "

Heral seemed to think the suggestion over for a long moment. Then he nodded. "Alright. I guess we really could need your help. We'll do you first. I'll ask Myra and Klyn to prepare everything and talk to our research team. Would you be so kind to follow them?"

Julian nodded briskly. To Seara and Max he said: "I'll be back soon and then I'll show you that there's nothing to fear. I'm a doctor, I should know." He grinned and patted them gently on the shoulder. Then he followed Myra who led him wordlessly into an adjacent room.

"You need to change into these," she said as they were alone in the room. She offered him a bundle of white clothes, he recognized as the same long garments the children wore. He wondered why he couldn't keep his own uniform or why he had to change for a simple scan. But then it was probably something equal to a hospital gown here and the people here weren't actually used to how technology worked. So he just thanked Myra, accepting the white robe and waiting for Myra to leave him alone.

When he was finished changing, he took a long look around. The room was smaller than the first one, and there was almost nothing inside apart from a pallet with cushions and a blanket. _Some kind of preparation room?_ There were a few candles positioned around the room, enveloping it in a warm ember glow. He sat back on the pallet, waiting.

Sounds from the other room drifted through the closed door. He heard people talking, even though he couldn't make out any distinct words. They sounded busy, agitated. Things were being pushed around.

He unconsciously crossed his arms across his chest.

Somehow it was an odd feeling, sitting here all without his uniform. It was not so much that he was cold in the short-sleeved gown but rather the fact that he had the strange feeling as if something was missing. As though with his uniform, his usual protection had been stripped away, leaving him exposed and vulnerable. He suppressed a shiver, rubbing his bare arms despite the pleasant warmth that was filling the room.

As seconds ticked away and he was waiting for Heral's return, he felt his resolution begin to falter. He wasn't sure why, but something set his nerves on edge. The thought crossed his mind that perhaps it would have been a better idea to tell somebody about what he was doing here. He didn't know these people, they had only met yesterday. Still, he had offered to help without even knowing much about what he would get himself into. Perhaps he should have asked Heral more about the details of what he intended to find out with his scan results. But Julian had been eager to get the research going – now that time was running against them more than ever. The thought only now struck him that he had no idea what would be waiting for him. Or if he could trust Heral and his men.

It wouldn't hurt to tell someone.

Julian reached for his uniform that lay folded next to him on the pallet. He retrieved the silver-golden combadge, activating it with his thumb.

"Bashir to O'Brien."

The small device emitted its usual chirp – but then it went dead.

"Bashir to O'Brien," he tried again. Though the commlink couldn't be established. He frowned. Some kind of interference? He felt an unsettling mix of apprehension and worry. He would ask Heral to pass a message on to Captain Sisko.

Sisko…

The captain's earlier words still stung painfully and he didn't know what was worse; that Sisko obviously hated him or that he had actually hit him. He felt his spirit hit rock bottom at the thought that the man he had always looked up to didn't seem to think much of him in return. Not that he was there to please Sisko. He'd always lived true to his conviction and he'd often had problems with other people in the past. But he'd thought that those times were finally gone and that he had become a valued member of Sisko's crew. He knew that it was a row and he knew that he`d never should have brought up Kasidy Yates and that it probably was the one thing that had Sisko made lose his temper. But still, Sisko had said some nasty things about him and it had been some kind of reflex.

He shifted uncomfortably on the bed and rubbed the bridge of his nose when suddenly the door opened and Heral came in.

He looked preoccupied but almost instantly his face lit up with warmth and kindness. He spread his arms in an apologetic gesture.

"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. I still need to discuss something about the setting with our research team from Dolos V. It won't take long. I brought you something to drink. It'll help you relax and we usually give it to patients we tend to. You know, most of them are afraid of medical treatments… They're not used to it and this tea helps them to overcome their fear. You don't need to drink it if you don't want to. But we'll give it to Seara and Max. Just in case you want to report to them how nasty it tastes," Heral chuckled, offering Julian the cup.

Julian smiled politely. "Thank you." Before Heral could turn, Julian cleared his throat. "There is one thing. My combadge doesn't seem to work here. Would it be possible to tell Captain Sisko that I'm here? I left rather suddenly, and I don't want him to worry…" For a second, he could have sworn he caught a flash of uncertainty, a flicker of something on the other man's face but within an instant it was gone and Heral just smiled.

"Of course. I'll send word to your captain and tell him where to find us."

Julian nodded, grateful. "Thank you."

While Heral went back to the other room, Julian regarded the cup of tea in his hands. He wasn`t really keen on trying out yet another treat of this world but he did feel thirsty and it probably wouldn`t upset his stomach as much as the food here. Or so he hoped. He took a reluctant sip of the tea. It was lukewarm and had a slightly bitter taste. But it wasn't as awful as Heral had hinted at. He drank the tea while he waited, wondering what could be in there. After some sips, the taste became rather pleasant, reminding him slightly of what he'd had during dinner last night, only that it was a lot stronger. At least he could tell Seara and Max that they would have nothing to fear from the tea…

" _Jules, I got her. Go inside. We have to take shelter. The storm is already upon us!" his father yelled._

_He took the lead, hurrying deeper into the cave. He slid his backpack from his back and fumbled for the flashlights, sliding them on with trembling fingers._

" _That's good. Give me some light."_

_He scrambled over to where his father was kneeling on the ground, next to the girl's whimpering form._

" _Everything's alright, Sira! You're safe. We'll take care of you!" he sputtered, his heart hammering painfully in his chest at the girl's miserable sight._

" _It was a Pentos Snake," she sobbed hysterically. "It hurts so much!"_

_He could only watch as his father ripped open the trousers of her left leg. A long, bloody gash came into view._

" _It hurts so much…" the girl still cried, "I will die!"_

_He grabbed for her hand, pressing hard. "Sira, listen to me. You won't die. I won't let you die. I promise!"_

_He fought hard against his own terror as he tried to be strong for her. When his father bound her leg and applied pressure to the wound to bring out the venom, making fresh red blood gush out of it, he felt sick._

Julian blew out a long, deep breath, almost unconsciously massaging his stomach. Somehow he felt a flutter of queasiness. He tried to relax, telling himself that everything was fine and that it would soon go away.

After some more minutes, Klyn came suddenly into the room, his expression tense. When he saw the empty cup in Julian's hand, his mouth twitched. But he didn't show any other reaction, just stood next to the door as if he was part of the decoration of the room.

"We're almost ready," he suddenly said – and made Julian nearly jump out of his skin.

Somehow he couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right. The strange queasiness in his stomach was growing stronger, soon turning into a roiling sensation he could no longer ignore. Was it the tea? He shook his head, trying to take another calming breath. But only a moment later, a wave of nausea took him by surprise. He dug his fingers into the pallet's mattress. Something was wrong.

"Klyn," he said slowly, not sure what was going on, "I don't feel well. I don't know what's up with me. I'm really sorry, but I'm not sure that I can go on with the scan." It was a complete understatement. In fact, he felt awful. His stomach was a mess. Somehow the heat in the room was starting to give him a headache. He rubbed his temples, trying to fight the sudden sickness.

Perhaps he just needed to go to bed. He'd been up too long already. It must have already been past midnight. He hadn't felt well since yesterday evening, so perhaps he just needed some rest?

He took another deep breath but suddenly needed to brace himself on the bed as the world around him went into a wild spin. He closed his eyes, trying to get his heartbeat back under control which suddenly echoed ten times as loud in his head. His fingertips were tingling. He all at once felt cold despite the heat that was filling he room. He didn't need to be a doctor to know that something was utterly wrong with him.

He eased himself down from the bed just to squeeze his eyes shut at the sudden vertigo that came with the movement. With alarm he noticed that the tingling sensation in his fingertips was spreading. He flexed and stretched his fingers, trying to bring them back under control. Though in vein. Panic started to build inside him as he stared uncomprehending at his hands. His whole body felt as if he was slowly losing control of it.

Klyn was still staring ahead of him, completely ignoring him.

"Klyn," he said, noticing that his voice was trembling. "I really don't feel well."

The other man looked at him for the first time. There was no emotion in his voice when he said: "It is warm in here. Perhaps you better sit down."

Julian couldn't understand why Klyn wouldn't listen to him. There obviously was something wrong with him. Why coudn't Klyn see? Julian's gaze fell on the cup Heral had given him and a terrible suspicion dawned on him. Could it be? Heral said that it would help him relax. Though he doubted that Heral had meant that he would feel as if his body was about to collapse every second under him. Something was wrong. Some inner instinct told him that he needed to get help. Now.

"Klyn," he said with as much calmness as he could muster, trying to ignore the growing stomach ache that made it so difficult to speak. "I need to talk to Captain Sisko."

"I'm sorry but that is not possible," the other man next to the door just said.

"I don't feel right. I'm not sure but I'd rather not continue in my present condition. Something's wrong."

He thought he could see a flicker of a frown on the other man's stoic features. But Klyn just shook his head. "We've prepared everything. It won't take long. Heral just sent for your captain. He'll be here soon. In the meantime, please let us finish the scan."

With those words he suddenly came over and took Julian by his upper arm to steady him. Without waiting for his reaction, the bulky man started to guide him out the door into the other room where Heral had been busy with his research team.

Julian would have felt angry at Klyn for so easily overriding his judgment, hadn't it been for the queasy feeling in his stomach that made it almost impossible to bring up enough energy to argue with the other man. He was busy with trying not to bump into Klyn while walking unsteadily next to him. Somehow his headache grew more intense and his vision would just go dark every other second.

His thoughts were racing. This was not how he had imagined it. The strong grip of the other man guided him through the room, into another smaller room at its side. Klyn's grip was probably the only thing that held him steady and upright at the moment. Julian more stumbled along than he was able to walk until they finally came to an abrupt halt.

"Please go in there."

Fighting his sickness and growing headache, Julian only now saw the small, shallow pool in the middle of the room. He had no idea what this here was about. Neither did he see any scanning equipment, nor did he see any sign of a research team, least of all had he any idea what Heral and Klyn were up to. Swaying dangerously, even with Klyn holding him by his arms, Julian felt a creeping cold through his bare feet on the ground. He had no desire to go into the water of the pool to feel even colder. He didn't understand.

"I want to speak to Captain Sisko," he said again, putting as much confidence into his words as possible. But Klyn just guided him further toward the pool.

"Your captain will be here in a minute."

Julian stumbled forward and into the shallow waters. The water was warmer than he had thought, thicker and of an odd pinkish color. The liquid covered his feet up to just over his bare ankles. He stared at the strange sight, his heart hammering in this chest. He felt short of breath. And then it suddenly stroke him where he had seen the liquid before.

The boy who had almost drowned on the first evening they had spent here.

An indistinct fear gripped him. He wanted to turn but in the same moment, strong hands suddenly pulled him forward, deeper into the pool. The water – or whatever it was – was soaking his white tunic, coming up to his knees.

That was when he saw Heral standing in front of him on the rim of the small pool.

The other man just nodded, grim resolution on his face. There was a cold and calculating look on his face that made Julian`s blood freeze in his veins.

And an instant later Julian was suddenly pushed forward, into the water. He fell, water splashing around him. His first instinct was to push himself up again, out of the water. But something – or someone – was holding him down. He struggled against Klyn`s grip until he felt another pair of hands pushing his head under water.

His vision blurred under water – and he panicked.

He was going to drown. Squirming under his attacker's hands, he somehow managed to free himself at least far enough to get his head back up. He gasped for breath, half choking, half breathing, frantically sucking in air to fill his lungs. He almost succeeded in freeing one arm to lung out at his attacker, but the other man was faster.

Strong hands twisted his arm up behind his back, at the same time pushing his head back under water. Julian's vision blurred and his energy want astray in the numbness that spread through his veins due to the lack of oxygen.

He struggled to hold his breath, tearing desperately at the other man's grip. Writhing and squirming under water.

But he didn't make it far. He needed air. He tried to force his body to hold out – though in vein. Either due to his weak condition or due to the fact that no human could hold his breath forever, he finally succumbed to his body's reflex.

And gasped involuntarily for air.

An instant later, he felt as if his chest was on fire, hot agony exploding inside him when the pink liquid came flooding his lungs. He convulsed, the stabbing, merciless pain the last thing he felt before darkness came to claim him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Morning had come, but Julian hadn't come back.

When he was worried before, Sisko now felt a mounting dread.

"He's not in his quarters," O'Brien stated as soon as he came through the door. "I just checked again. No one has seen him."

"I don't think he just decided to spend the night outside in the woods. He didn't say that he would go somewhere else, nor did he leave a message," Sisko stated darkly. "Even after our argument yesterday, he wouldn't just vanish. He's not reported back to the Defiant and he's nowhere to be found. He doesn't respond to our hails and even the Defiant is not able to track his whereabouts. There's only one person who's able to tell us the truth."

"Heral?" Dax surmised, a tense expression on her face. It seemed as if she liked the idea as little as he did.

"I'll go have a word with him. He has to know where Julian is – or what happened to him." He hoped that the last words wouldn't prove true. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible had happened. He didn't know why. He only had it in his guts. Like the strange, dark feeling in his stomach that had been there ever since they set foot onto this planet.

"Shall we come with you?" Dax asked but Sisko quickly shook his head.

"No. I don't want to make them suspicious. We need to be careful! Wait here for my return. And remember to stay together!"

Kira shot him a skeptical look, as if she couldn't quite understand his sudden caution. "We'll be here."

Sisko turned on his heels and marched through the door with one person in mind: Heral. He didn't have to search long. Heral was in his office and looked up in slight confusion from his desk when Sisko so suddenly stormed through the door. The captain didn't bother to hide his annoyance.

"Where is Dr. Bashir?" he said without much preamble.

Heral stopped writing whatever document lay on his desk, his brow furrowed. But then he drew himself up, gesturing toward one of the seats in front of his desk as if to invite Sisko to have a seat. The captain, though, chose to remain standing.

"He's working with our research team in another town, a little south from here," he said with a frown, as if he wasn't quite sure what had prompted Sisko's obvious anger.

"He didn't report back to me," Sisko said. "I'm searching for him, but I cannot find him. Neither can I track his combadge. I need him back on the Defiant, but he is nowhere to be found."

Heral seemed taken aback. His countenance changed to one of open dismay.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said. "I didn't know that he was needed so urgently and he didn't mention anything about it. They're running some test to find a cure to a sickness we've recently had to face. I didn't mean to steal him away from you, Captain, but he was adamant to help. They'll be back by sunset tonight."

Sisko didn't know what to respond. He wasn't sure if Heral was telling the truth. It did sound like Julian to offer his help to these people – but why hadn't he said anything?

"That doesn't explain why I can't reach him. He won't answer my calls and even my ship is not able to locate him."

Heral went over to retrieve something from the cabinet that was set into the wall to one side of the room.

"I'm not sure why your computers won't be able to pinpoint his location but there are a lot of mountain caves near the other village and there might be interferences every once in a while. But I think I know why you cannot reach him." He produced a shiny, small device.

A combadge.

_Julian's_ combadge…

"He seems to have lost this. I wanted to give it back to you. Or I can give it directly to Dr. Bashir when he comes back tonight."

Sisko took the tiny device in one hand, absently running his thumb over the smooth surface.

"I'll take care of it, thank you," he simply said. "Is there any means to reach Dr. Bashir in the other settlement?"

Heral shook his head with a frown. "I'm sorry, but we have no way of contacting the other team except from sending someone over."

_Which would take God knows how long… how very convenient,_ Sisko thought to himself. Out loud he said: "Never mind. I'll wait for his return. I'd be obliged if you could tell him to report back to me as soon as you see him."

Heral politely inclined his head. "I promise I will."

When Sisko was about to turn, Heral suddenly called him back. "I hope you'll give us the honor to have you again as dinner guests tonight. Dr. Bashir will be there as well."

Sisko hesitated a moment. _What game was Heral playing?_ Then he said: "Of course. Thank you"

Before Heral could see the ill-boding look on his face, he turned quickly away, heading out of the door and back to his quarters.

"He's lying," Sisko said as he ran a sweaty hand over his face.

"It doesn't sound like Julian to just leave without a word to anybody. Not when he knows that we'll be worried about his sudden absence." Dax took a sip of her tea. "And then Heral has never mentioned anything he needs help with from Julian before."

"Though it does sound like Julian to poke his nose into other people's business and get himself lost in his enthusiasm," O'Brien commented with a humorless chuckle.

"I don't like it either, Old Man," Sisko said. "I can't shake the feeling that Heral doesn't tell us everything. And then there's Julian's combadge. Even if we leave out the fact that we should have been able to track at least his combadge down, even if it was with Heral, I don't think he just lost it."

"Those things are designed for sticking to your uniform even when you're running through an exploding mine field and an explosion has you hurling through the air," O'Brien said thoughtfully. "You don't just 'lose' your combadge."

"Exactly," Sisko said as he drew himself up.

"But what if Heral is telling the truth? What if Dr. Bashir really just went over to help them? Can't we just wait for tonight and see if Heral is right?" Kira asked.

"If we wait too long, it could be too late," Sisko replied with a sigh.

A cautious knock on the door made their heads turn. When Sisko said "Come in," he half expected – or better hoped – to see a rueful Dr. Bashir report for duty. But it wasn't Dr. Bashir. It was a woman.

"I… I'm sorry to disturb you," she quickly apologized, utterly unsure whom to address. He hadn't seen her before. Her long brown hair was braided at one side, streaked every here and there with gray. Her long plain skirt went almost down to her ankles. She must be one of the colonists. Sisko took a step forward, making the decision for her.

"What can I do for you?"

When he caught the startled look on Kira's face, he knew that things had just started to get worse. It must be the strange woman she had met the other day at the temple site.

"Are you… the Starfleet Captain?" their guest asked hesitantly.

"I'm Captain Sisko, of the Starship Defiant. And yes, I'm Starfleet."

The other woman visibly gathered herself before she said: "My name is Elra."

Sisko gestured for her to take a seat. Reluctantly, as if she still wasn't sure if coming to see them was a good idea, she came closer, closing the door quietly behind her back. She eyed them suspiciously, until her eyes fell on Kira.

"You were at the temple yesterday," Kira anticipated her words. "You were the one who warned me to be careful and who told me that we should leave as quickly as possible."

"Yes," she nodded as she sat down, her eyes suddenly taking on a sad gleam. "I… wanted to warn you. You have to get away from here. Now. You're no longer safe here."

Sisko frowned. "What do you mean by we're no longer safe? What exactly are you talking about? A member of my crew is missing. We cannot leave without him."

As if his words meant something to her, she averted her gaze. "You mean… Dr. Bashir?"

Sisko felt his heart stop dead in his chest. That the woman knew of Julian didn't bode well.

"Yes. He's been missing since yesterday evening. I don't know where he is and I cannot reach him. Heral told me that he's on a trip with another research team to a nearby settlement and will be back this evening – but I'm not sure if I'm ready to believe his words."

A profound sadness fell over the colonist's face when she finally looked up at him.

"I'm sorry…" she said, her hands digging into the fabric of her long skirt. And it sounded as if she really was.

Sisko went over to the bed, sitting down next to her.

"Elra, what happened? Where is he?" he said with as much patience as he could muster even though on the inside he felt anything but calm.

"You have to leave without him," she said, tears brimming in the corner of her eyes. "There's nothing you can do for him anymore."

The words came like a slap across the face.

"What do you mean?" he said bluntly, even though he thought he knew what she was going to tell him.

"They got him," she said, her voice failing her. "There's nothing you can do for him anymore. He's already in the _Sanctum_."

=/\=

"I told you that Captain Sisko just won't leave the matter be. He came to see me yesterday evening and demanded to know where their Doctor was. He was angry, to say the least. I don't think he'll give up that easily. What are you going to do now?" Klyn, stoic as ever, with only a slight hint of impatience in his voice, was standing next to the door, his hands clasped calmly before him.

Heral was standing behind his desk, his gaze directed out the window toward the open ground outside. His eyes flicked back and forth, searching, until he took a deep breath and turned toward the room. "I know. He came to me this morning as well. I made it look like Julian went with a research team to another settlement and won't be back until this evening. It'll give us some time."

"And? Did he believe you?"

"I don't know. But I don't think he'll leave without his missing crewman. And as things are, we cannot allow him to get back to his ship and call up an investigation. We have to act. Quickly."

Klyn arched one brow but didn't comment.

"Tonight at dinner. We need to make it look like an accident," Heral said, fixing the other man with his stare. "You know what to do?"

Klyn nodded. "I'll prepare everything. They'll never leave dinner. What about the boy?"

Heral's tension seemed to ease. "He's stable. It looks like the procedure worked. Everything is fine so far."

Klyn let out a long breath, finally allowing himself to rub over his tired eyes. "Then it's finally over?"

Heral couldn't help a reluctant but content smile. "Yes. It's over, Klyn…"

=/\=

"What do you mean by _Sanctum_? The temple?" Kira burst out, coming a step closer. "What's he doing there?"

Elra shook her head, desperation creeping into her voice. "No, you don't understand. He's in the world beyond. He's in the Sanctum to rest."

Sisko felt as if she had just slammed a door shut in his face.

"He's dead?" he asked tonelessly.

A troubled expression crossed Elra's face, her fingers fidgeting again with her skirt.

"He was so nice to us. He saved my son's life! I didn't want this to happen to him. I already lost my daughter, and he gave me back my son. I'm so sorry. He didn't deserve being used like this."

"What did they do to him?" It was Dax now who went down on her knees until her eyes were level with the woman's. She gently took her shaking hands into hers, urging her to look at her.

Sisko felt pretty much as if he wanted to slam his fist into something right now. This couldn't be true.

Elra looked from one face to the other, obviously dreading their reaction. But then she seemed to come around, remembering why she had come to see them in the first place. She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself.

"You don't know as much about us as you need to know," she began quietly. "When you first came down here, Heral must have told you that we're a people who don't think much of technology. That we do things our own way and that we don't often have contact with the outside world. That we're a religious people, cherishing the peace on our small world."

She gazed at Dax who nodded in encouragement.

"But that's only half of the truth," she said, lapsing for a moment into silence. "The other half is that we're far older than you might think, Captain. We don't age very fast. We have our own pace of living, as you might understand, a very slow pace of living. We've stayed mainly among ourselves – until the world as we knew it got into danger."

She sighed as if she couldn't find the right words to go on.

"We… need a certain energy to live. It's essential to us like air or water to you. We cannot live without it. In the early times, shortly after we came here, we used some of our children, a sacrifice we needed to make in order to live as a whole. But as time went by, the energy wasn't enough. Our children gradually grew older – too old, the few who were young enough for the procedure were barely enough to keep us alive…"

Sisko stared at her. "You… sacrificed your _children_ in order to prolong your community's life?" he asked in a flat voice.

Elra nodded. "It may sound alien to you. But it was a common practice for us. The children went through a preparation procedure and were then sent to the Sanctum to rest there."

"You mean you killed all those children?" Kira exclaimed, incredulous.

Elra quickly shook her head. "No!"

"They're not dead. They're sleeping in the temple, providing us with their energy. They're not dead but they'll never wake up either."

"And you tell me one has done the same to Dr. Bashir?" Sisko said.

Elra seemed deeply sorry. "Yes. They were running out of children. So they tried older ones. Like my son. Though the procedure always failed. They were rejected – and many of them died in the process. Finally, Heral suggested we try someone from the outside world. That's why everyone was in an uproar when you said you'll come to visit our little settlement. Heral got the chance to try out what he's always wanted to. Yesterday, he tried the procedure for the first time on Dr. Bashir."

Sisko felt the bile rise in his throat. He ran a hand over his head.

"Is there any way to reverse this procedure?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"We have to get him out!" Kira said vehemently, already on her feet.

"It's too late!" Elra pleaded. "He's already too far gone. But you have to bring yourselves to safety. Heral won't just sit back and let you try to track your missing crew member down. You're in danger!"

"What exactly happens during this 'preparation'?" Dax tried calmly. "Perhaps we can find a way to reverse it. We have much more sophisticated technology than you have."

Elra seemed to think her words over. Then she nodded.

"I don't know much about it. I only know that the children are submerged in a special liquid. It serves as a medium to connect their being to the energy web. The liquid fills their lungs and thus establishes the connection with our energy's main source. They're then brought over to the temple which we call the Sanctum. They rest in this liquid inside the temple and supply our settlement with energy."

"They drown them alive?" O'Brien asked in shock.

Even though she had been rather stoic and calm before, Sisko could see a flicker of bewilderment on the young trill's face when she presumably imagined Julian being subjected to the same procedure.

"If it's any consolation to you, they don't have to suffer. They're given something to help them relax. They don't even realize what happens."

O'Brien watched her, appalled.

"Elra, why are you telling us all this?" Dax asked.

"Because I almost lost my son. They forced him to take the procedure, even though they knew that he was probably too old. They did it all the same – but his system rejected the fluid and he almost drowned. Dr. Bashir saved his life. And now your doctor is gone because he helped _my_ son. I just want it to stop. I don't want to see any more children harmed. It's over. Heral and the elders just refuse to accept it."

"We'll get him out," Sisko said and he didn't leave room for objections.

"That's not possible," Elra exclaimed. "He'll die if you disconnect him from the energy web."

"He'll die anyway if we leave him there," Sisko held firmly. "I've made up my mind. We'll get him out as soon as possible."

The woman averted her gaze, defeated, obviously realizing that she wouldn't be able to convince the captain. "I don't know if your undertaking will be successful. I wish there was something I could do for you or a procedure that will bring him back to you. I don't know much about how the energy web functions or how the connection is established in the first place. I only know that no child who went to the Sanctum has ever come back." She inhaled deeply. "Heral said that once they are part of the web, their mind and body become one with the common energy. I'm not sure if it is the same with Dr. Bashir. He's an outsider. Even if his physiology might be compatible with our energy matrix there might be a chance that whatever connection there is might be different in some way. However, the longer you wait the lesser his chances are. You don't have much time left, Captain. He's been in there for almost a day. And you have to be quick. I don't know what Heral has in mind but you're in danger. If you go into the temple, you'll need this." She handed him something that looked like a key. "There are no guards or anything else. Usually, we don't have to keep people out. You'll be able to access the temple site with this key. Heral said something about dinner with you tonight. I don't think anyone will be watching the temple at that time…"

Sisko exhaled a long breath, trying to push the image of his dead crewman out of his mind, and to his assembled crew he said: "We'll get him. And then we'll all go home."

=/\=

"If we take this route and get to the temple from the east, we'll have a good chance that none of Heral's men will notice," Sisko said as he followed the path outlined on the map with his index. "Heral said that dinner was planned at sunset. Kira and I will get on our way thirty minutes earlier while you and Chief O'Brien will go and meet Heral at the same time. Keep him occupied as long as you can. He'll grow suspicious at some point or the other but try to get us as much time as you can. The Defiant will have a constant lock on you. At the slightest hint of trouble, we'll get you up."

Sisko lifted his gaze to meet that of his old friend.

"I don't know if we'll be able to communicate, once we're in. We cannot get any clear signal from inside the temple which is probably why we weren't able to pin Julian's whereabouts down in the first place. We'll get inside the temple and get him out. As soon as we're safely aboard the Defiant, we'll beam you up no matter what."

"Are you sure, we shouldn't wait for reinforcements?" Dax eyed him with worry. "They could be here in another two or three days. The U.S.S. Haven is only two days away. They have a doctor and will be far better equipped to handle any emergency…"

Sisko sighed.

"Julian doesn't have days, Dax. Probably not even hours. You heard what Elra said. Every minute he's in the temple lessens our chance to get him out alive. We don't know what Heral did to him or if Elra is right and there's any chance to bring him back at all. We have to act now. We have no time to lose."

He blew out another long breath.

"And besides, I don't want to be the one having to deliver the Bashirs the news of their son's death. You remember the last time we had to tell them about the accident with the Harvesters? You were there when I contacted them and you saw the look in their eyes. I don't want to have to tell them a second time. What should I tell them? That their son is not yet dead, but we left him behind in an alien energy matrix where he'll sleep on until his last breath? That we just gave up and left him to his destiny without even having tried to rescue him?" He looked her squarely in the eye. "I can't do that, and you know it."

Dax offered a sad smile and handed him the medkit which he took and slung over his shoulder.

"I packed everything according to what Elra told us. Nevertheless, Captain Mztek is on his way. We'll meet him in another 38 hours. Let's hope that Julian will hold out until then."

Then she frowned. "What about security?"

"Kira will be with me. That's enough. I don't want to arouse suspicion. We'll get to the temple and as soon as we get him we'll signal to the Defiant to beam us up. I'm inclined to believe Elra that there won't be any guards or other security systems. But just in case, a security team will be on the ready if we need assistance. While we're gone, follow Heral's invitation to dinner. Keep them distracted as long as you can."

Dax nodded. "I'll do my best. Just be careful! We don't know these people and we only just learned what they're capable of."

"I'll see you back on the Defiant", the captain said with a clap on her shoulder. "Good luck!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Try not to touch any of the food or drinks," O'Brien whispered as he walked with Dax along the long hallways toward the common room where Heral would be waiting for them for dinner. They had split up in order to not arouse the colonists' suspicion while at the same time gaining enough time to get into the temple and rescue Julian.

"If there's any sign of trouble, just hit your combadge and the Defiant will get us up," he continued, trying to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. By now, Captain Sisko and Major Kira must have reached their destination. They had no way of knowing what Heral had in mind, or what unpleasant surprises would be waiting for them at dinner. He still held some smidgen of hope that Julian would be there, just as Heral had promised. Though he had to admit that most of that hope had dwindled away after their unexpected meeting with Elra. His worry had been replaced by anger and there was nothing he would have rather done than teach these people a lesson.

"Try not to look so grim, Chief," Dax commented at his side, though her voice, too, was unusually tense. Either she was worried about what lay ahead of them or she was equally anxious about the captain's mission. Either way, she seemed highly alert, not trusting anything or anyone at the moment.

When they reached the common room, Heral was already waiting for them. Next to him stood another man in a white robe – Klyn. While Heral extended both arms in a warm welcoming gesture, Klyn remained unmoving at his side. He seemed even cooler than before, radiating an aura that let the room temperature drop several degrees.

"Lieutenant, Chief," Heral smiled broadly as if he was genuinely pleased to see them.

_Of course he is_ , O'Brien thought to himself. Whatever he had done to Julian, he'd try to cover it up and tonight was the right time for it – the perfect chance to get rid of unpleasant witnesses.

"I'm glad you could come." Then Heral's smile fell ever so slightly when he noticed they were alone. "Where are Captain Sisko and Major Kira?"

"They'll be coming soon!" Dax smiled one of her most convincing smiles. "Captain Sisko received a transmission from our starship which required his immediate attention. Major Kira is with him. But they'll be here soon." And with an innocent frown that startled even O'Brien, she asked: "Is Julian already here? I'd love to speak to him. We've been so worried."

Heral seemed to watch her closely but then he cleared his throat. "Of course. He'll be here soon. Let's go ahead of them, shall we." And he gestured for them to follow.

Dax shot O'Brien a quick glance, reminding him to remain vigilant before she followed Heral. O'Brien took an assessing look around, following in their wake, his eyes constantly shifting back and forth, searching for something unusual – or dangerous in the shadows.

=/\=

When Sisko entered the temple using the key Elra had given them, silence lay over the scenery like a shroud of death.

He blinked several times until his eyes began to adjust to the dimness in the room. Even though Heral had called it a "temple", there were no religious symbols or other ornaments, the round hall with its plain walls and high ceiling having a rather functional feeling about it. The only light came in through long, rectangular windows right below the ceiling that now let in the last rays of sunlight to fill the inside with an ember glow. The room wasn't very big. It was almost empty apart from several shallow, tank-like structures that were arranged in a star-like circle around the center of the room. The tanks were filled with a strange, pink liquid. He counted seven all together. Some of them were empty, others seemed to be occupied.

He reluctantly ventured closer, his heart thudding in his chest.

He half expected some security siren to go off at their intrusion but to his huge relief the place remained silent. There seemed to be no security measures in place. Which made the scenery in front of him even eerier.

The first tank he came to had a small figure inside. Presumably one of the children Elra had spoken of. The tank barely reached up to his knees, the person inside curled up in a fetal position. He avoided taking a closer look, afraid of what he would find if he did. He quickly moved on to the next.

Here again, the figure inside was too small to be an adult.

Finally, when he reached the third tank, he knew that he had found his missing crewmember.

He couldn't discern many details. The pink liquid was too thick, reminding him more of goo than water but the size of the figure inside fit. It must be Julian. He could see the black, tousled hair, Julian's face even through the thick water inert and even peaceful as if he were fast asleep. Instead of his uniform, he was wearing a long white and short-sleeved robe. He didn't seem to be hurt. He, too, was curled up in a fetal position.

He felt his stomach tighten at the sight.

" _If it's any consolation to you, they don't have to suffer. They're given something to help them relax. They don't even realize what happens."_

What had they done to Julian? Had he really not been aware of Heral`s plan? He was a Starfleet officer after all. He'd never have agreed to this had he known what would be waiting for him in the end. He'd been deceived and used by Heral. Had they even forced him to cooperate?

Sisko ran a sweaty palm over his head. He had to get him out. Now.

"There's no one there. I checked the street but there`s nobody there," he heard Kira's voice from behind him, then the creaking of a closing door. The young Bajoran came hurrying over to him with her phaser rifle in hand. "I guess Elra was right and they all are with Heral at dinner," she said with a snort.

When she moved next to him and her gaze fell on the tank at their feet, she frowned.

"What… is this?" she asked in bewilderment and went down to her knees to have a better look. Her voice was tinged with disgust.

"This must be what Elra spoke of when she said they were brought to the temple to rest," Sisko said as he knelt down beside her, running his hand over the smooth, transparent lid that was covering the tank. Next to him he heard a familiar beeping. Kira had drawn her tricorder, running a quick scan. Then she cursed under her breath. "I can't get a clear reading. Something's jamming the signal."

Sisko lowered the medkit he'd brought along and set it to the side to have a better look at the strange structure. He searched for a way to open it. Carefully, he ran his palm along its side. His fingers found something protruding and he just pulled. The cover was heavier than he'd thought. Together with Kira's help, they managed to pry it open. Like the door, it wasn't really secured. No one seemed to have reckoned with the possibility that someone might try to get the persons out once they were placed into their eternal sleep.

When they had fully uncovered the tank, his heartbeat quickened. It was now or never. He couldn't be sure that Julian was still alive, but he'd never learn if he didn't at least try to get his crewman back. He exchanged a quick glance with Kira, who returned a subtle nod. She was clutching her phaser tightly.

"We have to get him out of the liquid," Sisko stated, waiting for her to take the cue and put down her weapon. She reluctantly followed his orders.

"On three," he said, waiting for her to get into position. "One, two, _three."_

Then he plunged his hands into the liquid. He grabbed Julian's lifeless form under his arms and pulled him free of the water. With Kira's help he managed to heave the young man up far enough to bring him over the rim of the tank and ease him onto the temple floor. He was soaking wet. Sisko's first assumption had been wrong. It was not like goo, more like water, but thicker. He bent closer over Julian, who still lay motionless like a puppet, eyes closed. He didn't stir, nor did he show any other sign of life.

"He doesn't breathe," Sisko quickly observed, adrenaline shooting through his veins.

He felt for Julian's pulse. There was none.

" _They're not dead. They're sleeping in the temple, providing us with their energy. They're not dead but they'll never wake up either."_

He looked dead. He had no pulse and he didn't breathe. Sisko's mind was racing.

_Drowned_ , Elra's words shot through his mind. He'd been _drowned._

Without another thought, he bent Julian's head back, put his mouth over his and blew. Two times, three times. He pushed down hard on the young man's chest in a desperate hope that Julian would respond. Had Elra's assumption been wrong? What if they were already too late?

No reaction.

"Come on, Julian!" he urged through gritted teeth.

He did it once more. Blood was rushing in his ears when he pushed again down hard with both hands onto the young man's chest. He couldn't give up. Not now. Not when they were this close.

And finally, after what seemed like an excruciating eternity, the young man's body suddenly convulsed. He coughed. Pink liquid splashed onto the stone floor, followed by choked gasps for air. Sisko quickly turned Bashir over to help him empty his lungs. An instant later, Julian's eyes flew open. He stared in terror ahead without really seeing anything, struggling erratically for breath. Even though his lungs must finally be free of the liquid, he was still gasping for air, writhing in his arms as if he were suffocating.

"Major, give me the medkit!" Sisko bellowed, at the same time steadying Julian as best as he could, trying to keep him from falling over in his struggle.

Kira grabbed for the medkit, rummaging wildly through its contents until she found what she was searching for.

"Julian, everything's alright. Your lungs spasm and you don't get any air. This will help," Sisko raised his voice while at the same time he pressed the hypo against the young man's neck. A familiar hiss. Almost instantly, he could see the drug taking effect. Julian was still struggling desperately for air, though ever so slowly at least a small amount of air did seem to get into his lungs and reach his system. His face was still contorted with pain, but he did start to suck in shallow and ragged breaths nevertheless.

Sisko quickly turned him on his back, until Julian's head came to rest on his thighs. He took the oxygen mask Kira was handing him and cupped his mouth and nose with it.

"Breathe, Julian. You have to keep breathing," he ordered. "I know that it hurts but you must keep breathing!"

Julian's face drew into yet another painful grimace, and his eyes closed. He struggled to turn his face away, though the captain held him fast where he was, at the same time pressing the mask securely over his face. The young man's hands clamped around the strong arms that were holding him down, clinging to them as if his life depended on it. His grip was desperate, his knuckles turned a ghostly white when he drew one ragged breath after another, coughing, his body shaking violently from the effort. His cheeks glistened, though Sisko couldn't tell if it were tears or just remains of the water. A miserable, choked sob would escape the young man's throat every now and then, making Sisko wish he could do something to ease his suffering.

"Easy now. That's good. It'll get better soon. We're almost there."

The young man still clung to him, eyes shut tightly. Sisko didn't dare imagine what it must have been like for Julian to be drowned in that liquid in the first place. He held the young man, allowing him to relax ever so slowly, giving his body time to readjust.

At his side, Kira was watching them with eyes wide with distress.

When Julian's desperate grip around his arms loosened and his breathing became regular and even, Sisko knew he was over the worst. Though the young man was shivering all over. He was soaking wet, his tousled hair sticking to his forehead, the white robe now clinging heavily to his slender form. It wasn't very warm inside the temple and Julian was probably in shock. After an eternity, the young man's eyes finally came open ever so slowly.

They were unfocused and full of confusion.

"Julian, can you hear me? We got you. Everything's going to be all right. You're safe now. We'll get you back to the Defiant," Sisko said with as much sympathy as he could muster, slowly removing the oxygen mask. "We're here to bring you home."

The young man didn't really respond. With Kira's help, they managed to bring him into a sitting position. Julian looked so pale, his movements so shaky and uncoordinated that Sisko didn't release his grip around his arm as he feared he would collapse every second under his hands if he did. It was clear that he needed medical attention.

"… Seara…. Max…." the young man suddenly whispered in a barely audible voice, startling them with his sudden words. "The twins…" he said in a slurred voice, as if he had just remembered something important.

Sisko exchanged a quick glance with Kira. He had no idea what Julian was talking about. But they had time later to learn. Heral must by now have noticed what they had done. His men could be here any minute. They had to bring Julian back to the Defiant and get Dax and O'Brien out of the lion's den. Everything else could wait.

He was about to ask Kira to help him get the young man to his feet when Julian's gaze fell on the tank next to his. For a moment he just stared blankly at it, until his face took on a terrified expression. For a second, it looked as if he was going to be sick but then, battered and beaten, he slowly started to crawl on all fours over to the other tank until he had a good view of what was inside. Sisko reluctantly followed. He kept steadying Bashir as good as he could, not sure what this was about.

But Julian seemed thunderstruck.

He stared at the tank – or what was inside – with an expression hovering between dread and disbelief. His eyes widened at the sight, and he slowly shook his head. As far as Sisko could see, it was one of the children Elra had spoken of. A girl. And judging from her size, she could be no more than ten or so. Sisko felt a flash of grief, remembering that Elra had said that there was nothing they could do for the kids anymore. They were beyond help.

"No…" Julian suddenly whispered under his breath. His hand reached up to touch the smooth cover of the tank. There was horror in his eyes.

"No…" he pleaded again, and the single world held so much misery, pain and despair that it stabbed right through Sisko's heart. Julian stared at the child before him as if he couldn't, or didn't dare, believe his eyes. He still shook his head in terrified denial. Never in the last four years had Sisko seen Bashir so shaken and vulnerable. As if he'd have given anything to make things undone, to turn back time. As if he would rather die than accept the truth. Sisko knew that look in his eyes. He knew it from his younger self, many years ago, in another lifetime. When the life he had known until then had come down on him in burst of flames and scorched metal.

"Sira…" Julian's hand still rested against the flat cover. Tension was clear in every line of his body.

And all of a sudden, his hand balled into a fist and he struck the tank so hard that it startled even Sisko. But to the captain's dismay, Julian wouldn't stop at this. The young man's voice rose from a hoarse whisper to a desperate shout when he called out her name over and over again, suddenly hitting the tank with a force he shouldn't have possessed in his condition. His whole body shook from the effort and he was barely able to keep himself in an upright position. Still, it was as if he was desperate to get to the girl, even if it meant to break through the tank with his bare hands. He pounded his fists so forcefully against it that it made Sisko's stomach turn. He'd seen despair before. He knew what was to come next. The captain was quick to react.

Even before Julian had the chance to hurt himself seriously, Sisko was there and firmly grasped him by his shoulders, gently pulling him back, away from the tank.

"Julian, I'm sorry. It's too late. There's nothing we can do for her anymore. She's too far gone," he spoke softly, well aware that Julian was inches away from panicking again.

For a short second, Julian didn't offer any resistance. He sat on the wet floor with Sisko's hands on his shoulders and just stared blankly ahead, as if he was actually light years away. But then he suddenly seemed to come around and the heated fire in his eyes flared up once again. He didn't face Sisko, nor did he show any other sign that he was aware of his or Kira's presence. When he started to scramble forward again, Sisko held him back with a firm grip around his upper arm. Though this time Julian did offer resistance. If he was not aware of Sisko being there next to him, he was aware of the strong arms that held him back.

"No!" Julian struggled to get his arm free. "Sira! SIRA!"

It was as if something inside the young man had suddenly snapped. He was tearing to break free of Sisko's hold, shouting the girl's name over and over again, at the same time trying to get back to the tank and the child inside.

"Julian, everything's going to be alright. You're safe now!" Sisko raised his voice, trying to make it through to Bashir. He had no idea what had come over Julian, but he was painfully aware that they were running out of time. Whatever this was about or however close he might have been to the little girl, even if it tore at his heart to see Julian like this, they needed to be going. There was nothing he could do for the child, but he needed to bring Bashir and Kira back to safety.

But to his great dismay, the young man just wouldn't listen. He was too captured in his own terror as to register anything around him. He was desperate to fight his way back to the girl. As if his very life depended on it. Sisko had a difficult time keeping him in check. He was afraid of using his full strength as he feared that he might hurt Julian if he did. That Julian's bare arms were slippery with the pink liquid didn't really help. When the young man bucked so violently against him that he threatened to fall forward in his struggle, Sisko was forced to release his grip for just a second – but it was time enough for Julian to pull away. He stumbled forward, fell and crashed to the ground. Even before Sisko had the chance to get to him, Julian had already scrambled back to his unsteady feet, turned and lashed blindly out at Sisko. His fist connected with Sisko's jaw and the captain let out a blunt curse. Julian lashed out at him again, but the blow was badly aimed and Sisko caught the young man's wrist in midair, quickly turning and twisting Julian`s arm behind his back in one smooth motion. Bashir cried out and tried to wrench free again. Though in vain. The captain was already there, immobilizing him with a one strong arm over his chest, while the other pushed Julian's twisted arm further up behind his back.

"Julian! Stop it!" Sisko yelled, feeling his patience dwindle.

"SIRA!" Even in his awkward position, Julian still struggled to move. When he tried to back away, forcing Sisko to apply more pressure, a miserable sob worked its way up his throat. "Sira… No…"

"Julian! Stop it! I don't want to hurt you!" Sisko shouted again, his tone a little more menacing than he had intended thanks to his throbbing jaw.

Even before he had the chance to look for Kira to help him, Julian's legs suddenly buckled. Either because his strength finally deserted him or because the realization had made it into his mind that he wouldn't stand a chance against Sisko, Julian's legs gave way beneath him and he went down to his knees. And Sisko, still holding him in an immobilizing iron grip, with him. A wail of terror escaped Julian's throat when he hit the ground, almost falling over with Sisko's weight upon him that was pushing him down, making it unable for him to stand up again, making it unable to free himself. His forehead was almost touching the ground and the pain from his shoulder must have finally reached its limit because he didn't make any further attempt to twist away. He stayed where he was, while his body shook violently. Tears were falling down his cheeks and he was sobbing quietly now. As if he`d finally realized that he had lost the battle. Again.

"Captain…" Kira's voice suddenly brought Sisko back to the here-and-now. She was watching the whole scene with an expression hovering between dismay and worry, as if she wasn't sure she should intervene, at the same time worried what would happen if she didn't.

Only now Sisko registered with how much force he was pushing Julian down to the ground. And that the young man probably shook from inner torment as much as from the physical pain Sisko was causing him.

_This is just wrong._ Never in his life had Sisko felt so clearly that his actions were completely misplaced like in this very moment. He was forcing Julian to the ground, he was doing him bodily harm, and it suddenly felt all wrong.

A memory flashed in his mind. 5-year-old Jake was throwing a tantrum after their dog Charlie had died one evening and Jake wouldn't accept that the dog had gone forever. He'd screamed and kicked and yelled at his father that he hated them for taking Charlie away from him. Sisko had held his son close, accepting his anger, waiting for the outburst to end. Waiting for little Jake to cool down far enough to face the truth. Holding him, murmuring gentle words to him, while he clung to his father and cried his heart out. Being there for him in his grief.

What on earth was he doing to Julian? He was pushing a sobbing and distraught Bashir down to the ground, even exercising physical violence to keep him under control when everything he probably needed was someone to be with him, to show him that he was not alone, to be there for him in his grief. The young man had been presumably through hell. He had no idea what Heral had done to him, what Julian had been forced to go through. And here he was, his own captain hauling him down to the ground, inflicting even deeper wounds on him instead of helping him through the aftermath of his ordeal. Sisko couldn't help feeling disgusted at his own behavior.

"Julian, it's over. Everything's going to be alright! We're here to bring you home," he said, this time a lot gentler than before. "But you must stop fighting me. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you've been through. I want to help you. We're here to bring you home. Please stop fighting me," he almost pleaded.

But Julian wouldn't answer. His quiet sobbing had stopped. Instead, he was now audibly gasping for air as if he had trouble breathing. With a start, Sisko realized that the young man was choking. He immediately released the firm hold on Bashir, quickly turning him over until he came to lie in his arms. This time, the young man didn't fight back. He was struggling to suck in shallow breaths, and Sisko heard again a sickeningly gurgling sound in his throat. His eyes had closed. He was white as a sheet and his skin was dangerously cold. There was no doubt. He was losing him.

"We need to get him back to the Defiant!" the captain said, feeling his stomach turn a second time at Bashir's sight. He felt guilt and remorse creep up on him, quickly threatening to gain the upper hand. He pushed them aside for the time being. There would be time later to catalogue all things that had gone wrong since they had set foot on this planet.

"We're done here, Major. Let's get the hell out of here!"

=/\=

"May I ask when we can expect Captain Sisko and Major Kira to join us?"

Heral was smiling as always but Dax thought she could detect a hint of impatience in the other man's voice. His eyes would flicker back and forth every now and then and he did seem a little preoccupied.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll be here soon," she said, politely declining the drink one was offering her. "What about Dr. Bashir? I haven't seen him around."

They were sitting at a long dinner table with most of the seats already occupied. A few were still empty, especially where Sisko and Kira were intended to be seated. But also a few of Heral's men were obviously still missing. She could only hope that whatever business they were tending to wouldn't lead them anywhere near the temple. She quickly side-glanced at O'Brien who arched one brow in response. More than thirty minutes had passed and dinner had already started.

"He'll be here, soon," Heral simply said, not even bothering to elaborate. Instead, he offered her a basket of bread. "Here, please help yourself."

Dax reluctantly took the basket and passed it on to O'Brien. "I think I'll wait for Captain Sisko and Major Kira," she smiled politely, silently hoping they would hear from the captain soon. She couldn't decline every offer forever and she was sure that Heral already knew that something was not right. To his credit, he was still playing along.

"So, what was Dr. Bashir doing in the other settlement?" Chief O'Brien threw in as he eyed Heral expectantly.

The other man hesitated for a second but then spread his arms in a welcoming gesture. "Oh, I think he'll be thrilled to report to you first-hand later this evening. He was of great help. Thanks to him we were able to solve some very painful problems. But I'm sure he'll be proud to tell you everything later when…"

The next words never left his lips. Heral suddenly froze in midsentence. For a long moment, he just stared into the middle distance. His face drew into a faint grimace as if he'd suddenly tasted something sour. His brows furrowed.

"Is everything okay?" Dax bent forward.

Heral slowly shook his head, though his strange expression lingered. Only now she noticed that he wasn't the only one around whose mood was suddenly dampened. Every man and woman at their table was all at once looking uncomfortable, as if they were in slight pain. A ripple of whispers went through the room, people turning questioning gazes toward each other. Toward Heral.

It was the moment that Dax knew that Sisko must have been successful.

Heral seemed to slowly come around. With still furrowed brow he turned toward her and O'Brien, a profound anguish on his once bright face. His eyes fell on the free seats where Sisko and Kira were meant to be seated. And a dark shadow crossed his face.

"Captain Sisko… Where is he?" he whispered, though it didn't actually sound like a question.

He turned toward her, staring her straight in the eye.

"What… have you done…?" he whispered in utter disbelief, as if he had finally put one and one together. For the fraction of a second, she couldn't help but feel pity for him. He seemed as if his world had suddenly shattered into hundreds of thousands of pieces. But the pity dwindled as quickly as it had come when she reminded herself of what that man had done to Julian.

For a long moment, neither of them spoke.

Until Klyn at Heral's side suddenly stood. He was reaching for something at his belt.

Even before they had the chance to learn what Klyn was going to produce, she jumped to her feet. "Chief!"

Her heart was pounding up into her throat when she hit her combadge. In the corner of her eye, she saw some other movement, but the decisive words had already left her lips. "Dax to Defiant. Two to beam up!"

She only heard a sudden commotion, the clatter of things falling to the ground, and people shouting. She never learned of Heral's reaction or if any of his men had drawn any weapons. Only the fraction of a second after her words, the world around her disappeared behind a veil of sparkling stars and another second later she was standing on the transporter platform on board of the Defiant, her heart still racing in her chest.

" _That_ was close!" she heard a swearing voice next to her and felt a dead weight drop from her chest when she looked over and saw Chief O'Brien standing save and sound next to her. She didn't lose time and hurried down from the transporter pad.

"Any news from Captain Sisko and Major Kira?" she quickly checked with the young man working the transporter controls.

"No, Lieutenant, they're still down there."

"Dax to Captain Sisko, please respond." No answer.

"If Heral knows, it's only a matter of time until they get to the temple. Can you pinpoint their coordinates?" O'Brien demanded as he checked the data himself.

"Negative, Sir. There are too many interferences…"

"Damn!" O'Brien hit the controls. "I don't get any clear reading. I'm picking up a group of people moving toward the temple. They'll be there in ten minutes."

"We have to wait until Captain Sisko and the others leave the temple," Dax bit her lip. She could only hope that Benjamin made it out of there in time. They both stared at the data and the red dot moving about the display which indicated Heral and his men. For once she was glad for the colonists' distaste for technology.

It was two minutes before Heral's arrival when the commline went suddenly on.

"Sisko to Defiant."

Dax' head snapped up. "Dax here, where are you?"

"We have him. Get us out of here!"

O'Brien didn't bother to acknowledge the captain's words as he set about implementing them. Another moment later, three persons materialized on the transporter platform. Two were kneeling on the floor, the third was slumped motionless between them.

"Benjamin!"

She hurried over to them, helping to ease Julian down to the floor. Instead of his usual uniform, he was wearing a white, short-sleeved robe, and he was soaking wet. His face was so pale and his skin so cold to the touch that she almost feared the worst. He didn't even seem to breathe.

"I'm glad to see you two. He's alive but he needs medical attention," Sisko hurriedly gave a very short account of what had happened. "Chief, get us directly into sickbay. Dax, I need your help there."

She nodded as she moved to his side, almost unconsciously reaching for Julian's hand as she waited for the familiar tingle of the transporter beam.

=/\=

"Can we risk waking him up?"

Sisko was watching the sleeping young man's form on the biobed. They had changed his clothes and tucked him into one of the biobeds in sickbay. With Jadzia's help they had managed to stabilize his condition, but the question still remained if it was enough. Julian was still fast asleep, his face almost peaceful, though Sisko knew that it was a lie.

He drew a long and deep breath, massaging the bridge of his nose. He still couldn't push the image of Julian's rescue in the temple out of his mind. He couldn't even begin to guess what the story about the girl in the temple could be – or why Julian would be so shocked by her death. And even though he had a rough image of what Heral had done to him, they still didn't know any details. He needed to know what had happened. He needed to know how much harm had been done to Bashir. He needed to know if their rescue attempt had been successful. He was so worried after all that he had seen in the temple that he couldn't bear waiting any other minute. He needed to know if Julian was alright. Because he knew that everything that had happened was his fault.

"I'm not sure, Benjamin," Dax said, her voice tinged with worry. "There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. I ran several scans and they all came back negative. He's not physically hurt. I was able to restore his lungs' capacity to 100%. He should be up and about in another day." Then she paused, finally voicing what had been weighing heavily on his own mind ever since they had found out what Heral had done to the young man. "But we don't know what he's been through…"

Sisko ran a hand over his head, sighing. "We won't find out if we keep letting him sleep…"

Dax nodded, moving over to fetch the hypo she'd prepared earlier.

"Are you really sure? We can wait for Captain Mztek. He's only another day away."

Sisko shook his head. "It won't change anything. Your scans tell us that he's not physically hurt. So there's no reason to not wake him up."

Dax nodded. Then she went over to Julian's side, gently placing the hypo to his neck. Several seconds later, his eyelids began to flutter, and another moment later they finally came open.

At first, they were unfocused and dazed, like back in the Sanctum, making Sisko feel a pinch of worry. But then he blinked again, his eyes slowly focusing until they fell on Sisko and Dax. Sisko wasn't sure what exactly he had expected but Julian's expression gave him pause.

The young man visibly tensed when he saw them standing next to his bed. He stared at them with a mixture of caution and curiosity. And a childlike innocence that was completely unlike him. He looked younger, somehow lost.

"Where… am I?" he finally managed in a hoarse whisper, still blinking sleepily as if he couldn't decide if this was reality or still a dream.

Dax offered the most reassuring smile. "We're back on the Defiant. You're safe now."

The young man looked from Dax to Sisko and back, as if he had no idea what they were talking about.

"How do you feel?" Sisko finally tried.

Julian opened his mouth but then seemed to think better of it. He sank a little further into his bed, his eyes wide and troubled.

"Who… are you?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Slowly, he opened his eyes. A soft groan escaped his lips as he sleepily blinked against the brightness that surrounded him.

The first thing that crossed his mind was that he felt utterly exhausted and that he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. His eyelids felt so heavy that he wondered what had made him open them in the first place. His world wouldn't stop spinning around him, and he needed to blink several times for his view to steady. The second thing that crossed his mind was that he had no idea who the two persons were, who stood next to him, looking down at him in open worry. One of them was a woman with a black ponytail, the other a man who looked a bit intimidating. Both were clad in black jumpsuits, trimmed with red or blue. They didn't seem familiar. He was lying in some kind of bed – and the way they were watching him was utterly unsettling.

"Where… am I?" he asked, almost in reflex. He tried to make sense of the strange situation.

"We're back on the Defiant. Don't worry, you're safe now," the woman at his side said, speaking in riddles. He wondered who she was, or what she was talking about. He had no idea what _Defiant_ meant, or what she meant by _safe._ Least of all why he felt as if he'd been run over by something. His body felt so heavy, and the fog of fatigue was only slowly lifting.

"Who… are you?" he couldn't help but ask, his curiosity – no matter how unsettling the situation was – as always getting the better of him.

The startled look on their faces told him that they obviously hadn't expected this question.

"I'm Captain Benjamin Sisko, commanding officer of the space station Deep Space Nine," the man slowly said in a rather formal way, as if he was hoping that it meant something to him. Then his voice grew a little gentler as he said: "Do you remember what happened?"

He didn`t know what the man meant. He couldn`t remember what had happened or why he was lying in a bed. He tried to search his memory for any hint as to what was going on. But there was just – nothing. It was as if his memory was wiped clean. Only a gray emptiness lingered where his memories should have been. His heart involuntarily began pounding in his chest. Something was not right. He only shook his head in reply to the man's – Sisko's – question.

"Maybe you remember something else?" the woman at his side asked, gently reaching for his hand as if to comfort him. Her touch was warm and reassuring, allowing him to relax just a little. Still, the way she spoke to him was somehow unsettling, as was the way she was watching him – full of worry and undisguised hope. It gave him the feeling as if something terrible had happened…

"Do you remember your name?" she finally tried, looking him squarely in the eyes.

He thought for a moment.

_His name_.

With a jolt he realized that he didn't. He searched every corner of his mind, but he just couldn't remember. He could no more recall his own name as he was able to tell who the two strangers were… though somehow deep down he knew that one wasn't supposed to forget one's own name. That it was something important. Something he ought not to have forgotten. He shifted uneasy. His heart was by now pounding up his throat.

"My name is Jadzia," the woman at his side continued when he wouldn't answer. "And your name is Julian…"

She paused, obviously waiting if the name rang a bell with him.

"Julian…" he repeated reluctantly, trying it out. But the name didn't sound familiar.

"You… work with us," Jadzia offered. "We're your friends."

He had no way of knowing if she was telling the truth, or if he could believe her. But something about the way she spoke to him matched the nagging feeling deep inside him that something important had happened that he couldn't recall. Something that was erased from his memory. Something he'd lost, which was by far more important than his name.

"Isn't there anything you can remember? A name, a place. Anything?" Sisko held, a smidgen of hope still shining from his eyes.

He felt unspeakably sorry that he had to dash that hope when he finally shook his head: "I'm sorry…"

He could see how Sisko visibly gathered himself. But then he nodded, obviously not ready to give up just yet. "It's okay," the man said in a confident voice, "We'll figure it out, Julian. This might seem frightening to you, but we'll find out the reason for all this. I promise! The important thing is that you're back and that you're safe."

He stared at the two strangers, unable to comprehend what they were talking about. "'W-what happened? W-Where am I?" He tried not to let himself get carried away by his nervousness but failed miserably at it. The whole situation was giving him goose bumps. He only knew that something was utterly wrong. His heart was hammering in his chest, so loud that he feared the other two must notice.

Sisko's expression became difficult, as if he was pondering his next words. Then he sighed, running a hand over his beard. There was something like indecisiveness in his eyes. But then he seemed to make up his mind. "Dax?"

The young woman rounded the bed, offering something that looked like a flat book to Sisko. Then she turned back to him and sat down at the end of his bed. "You… had an accident, Julian. You've been sleeping ever since. We thought it would be a good idea to bring you back to consciousness to see if there was any permanent damage done. But as far as I can tell, there's nothing physically wrong with you. I took several scans, but the results all came back negative. At least there's no sign of a permanent damage to your brain or to any kind of head injury." She grimaced. "But obviously, something happened to you which our scanners are not able to pick up. Frankly, I have no idea what might have caused an amnesia but considering what you've been through I guess it must have something to do with what you experienced during the accident. I think it's best to wait until an experienced doctor can have a look at you."

Watching her stern expression, the way she looked at him, he felt his stomach tie in knots. He had only understood about half of what she was saying and he had no idea what _amnesia_ meant. The only thing he did understand was that something unpleasant had happened to him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know any details. Jadzia didn't elaborate and he decided to leave it at that. It was scaring enough that he had no memory of that _accident_. Though it must have been something that made others give him pitiful and worried looks, something that might have left him damaged and broken. He swallowed.

Sisko turned to Jadzia. "I've already sent word to Captain Mztek and have him prepare everything for our rendezvous. It'll take another day for us to meet them. Do you think Julian will be up for the ride?"

The young woman's lips drew into a contemplating line. In another situation, he would have described her as beautiful. Now, the only thing that came to his mind was that she was obviously in the position to judge how far he was _damaged_. She shook her head. "I don't know. As I said, there's nothing wrong with him physically, at least nothing our scans would pick up."

"Kira to Captain Sisko," a voice suddenly interrupted them. Julian started, torn from his thoughts. He couldn't help but look about him, trying to pin down the source of the third voice.

"Sisko here, go ahead Major," Sisko said to the disembodied voice, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.

"I've got a call from Admiral Kellerman. It's your eyes only."

Sisko sighed. "Understood. I'm on my way." Turning to Jadzia he added: "There's nothing I would like to do more than go back to Heral and put things straight. But it was a first contact after all and we need to stick to Starfleet protocol. I'm counting on the admiral to give us orders how to proceed in this matter." It was obvious, that Sisko didn't like the idea. He didn't exactly strike him as the man willing to sit back and wait.

"Good luck, Benjamin."

"I'm on my way," he said. "Try to find something out. I'm on the bridge. If there's any news, let me know." He paused and finally opened his mouth as if he was going to say some more. But then he seemed to think better of it. He lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Try to get some rest, Julian. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Julian closed his eyes, trying his best not to let hopelessness get the better of him. He didn't know what Sisko was referring to. He didn't know who _Admiral Kellerman_ or _Starfleet_ was. Goodness, he didn't even know what an _admiral_ was. At the sheer amount of things he didn't know but Sisko and Jadzia obviously took for granted, he felt a wave of despair wash through him.

"Julian, I know how scaring this must be for you. But we're here for you. We're your friends and we won't let anything happen to you. We'll do our best to find out what happened to your memory or why you cannot recall anything of the incident. You have to believe me." Jadzia watched him intently, as if to underline her words.

He weakly nodded. It wasn't that he had much choice after all…

She frowned. "If it is okay for you, I would like to do some further tests to see how far your amnesia goes. Usually, if a person suffers a loss of memory like in your case, it only concerns a certain time window between some point in the past and the time when whatever causes the amnesia occurs. That means that it may well be that not all of your memories are gone."

He watched her when she once again took up the flat book she'd already shown Sisko and tapped her finger at it. The thing gave some little beep but quickly went silent again.

"You said that there's nothing you can remember. Let's try to go back a little further. Perhaps it's just related to the recent events and you have no memory of what happened back down on Coldron. But what about some years further back? Do you remember where you were stationed? Do you remember where you used to work?"

He silently wished she would stop drilling him with questions he couldn't answer. Nevertheless, he tried to remember. He had to. As much as for her as for himself. But again, there was just nothing. Slowly, he felt the tingling touch of panic. "I-I don't know…" he said. He felt as if he was standing with his back up against a wall. There was nowhere to go.

"Does the name Deep Space Nine sound familiar?"

He shook his head.

"Okay, let's get further back. Is there anything you remember from your childhood? Do you remember the names of your parents?"

Again, the only thing he could do was shake his head. He couldn't give her an answer. And the worst was that he didn't even understand the question. Something was terribly wrong. He felt it with every fiber of his body. She didn't need to ask him any more questions because he knew that he wouldn't be able to answer any of them.

He didn't lift his eyes to meet hers because he knew what he would see there if he did. So he kept them trained on the floor. He felt his cheeks flush when he finally tried to sound nonchalant even though on the inside he wanted to cry.

"What… what do you mean by 'parents'?"

=/\=

When O'Brien came into sickbay, he was prepared for the worst. He'd heard what had happened down on the planet from Kira. What they had found in the Sanctum. He'd heard of the scary tank-like structures and how Julian had been drowned in the strange pink liquid that would connect his being to the colonist's energy web, just as Elra had told them. How Sisko had performed CPR on the young man and how Julian hadn't been himself after he'd woken. It was the first time after the incident that O'Brien went to see him in person and he felt a dead weight drop from his chest when he entered the room and saw Julian sitting on one bio bed. Alive! Dax was at his side, talking quietly to him. He didn't seem hurt, apart from the fact that he was wearing some medical pajamas and looked as if he could use a good night of sleep.

"Julian!" he exclaimed in genuine relief. "I'm so glad to see you."

The young man visibly startled and turned in O'Brien's direction. Though the expression on his face was anything like O'Brien had expected.

Julian stared at him as if he saw the chief for the first time. There was not a spark of recognition in his eyes. If anything, he looked like the first time O'Brien had seen him four years ago, young and insecure. His hunched shoulders, and the careful, almost frightened way he was carrying himself, clearly told him that something was not right.

"My god, you look awful," O'Brien said, genuinely shocked at the young man's appearance. He looked just too pale, the buoyancy and typical Bashirish enthusiasm completely gone from his eyes. Instead, they mirrored now caution and distrust. He looked battered and broken, forlorn like a child, so unlike the last time he'd seen him down on Coldron. He felt a flash of worry. What had Heral and his men done to him?

"How do you feel?"

Julian looked over to Dax, as if he was completely lost. The young Trill cleared her throat, coming to his rescue. She smiled amiably. It was a forced smile that made O'Brien even more alert to the fact that something was amiss.

"That's Miles. He's your friend," she said with an encouraging nod.

O'Brien frowned at her unusual choice of words. The young Trill must have anticipated his reaction as she gently said: "Julian has lost his memory. We don't know what exactly took place when he was with Heral or what might have caused his amnesia but as it is, Julian seems to have no recollection of what happened before he woke up on the Defiant, or his life on DS9 as it is."

O'Brien felt his heart sink. It was about the last thing he'd expected. "You mean, you don't remember what happened?" he couldn't help but ask, slowly coming over to them.

For the first time, the young man opened his mouth to speak. His voice was slightly trembling when he said: "I don't even know who I am…"

That hit hard. The short joy of having Julian back was immediately drowned by worry.

"Isn't there anything we can do?" O'Brien asked in dismay.

Dax shook her head. "There's nothing wrong with him physically. I don't have any idea what could have triggered the memory loss. But then we don't know much about how the energy web is functioning. Or what disconnecting him from their system has done to him."

"I'm so sorry," the chief said. He watched the young man in front of him closely, trying to assess how deep the damage went that Heral had inflicted upon him. Julian was doing his best to look brave, but Miles knew that it was a lie. Tension was clear in every line of his body. Even though he might be calm on the outside, O'Brien knew that on the inside, he most probably was not.

"What," Julian began reluctantly, as if he was slightly unsure if he should – or wanted to – go on. He looked from one of them to the other. "W-what happened to me? What was that accident you spoke of?" His stammer was hard not to notice. _Like the first time we met…_ O'Brien thought. _Like we're back to the beginning…_

He exchanged a quick glance with Dax. It was clear from her expression that she would have liked to avoid having to answer this particular question. Looking back at the young man sitting so forlorn on the biobed in front of them, he could very well understand why. But sooner or later, Julian would learn of the truth. They couldn't keep it from him forever, so they might as well start telling him the truth right now. Dax let out a slow sigh, obviously coming to the same conclusion.

O'Brien cleared his throat. He was his friend. He would deliver the bad news.

"We were on our way back from the Gamma Quadrant when we stopped by a planet called Dolos V. Their government invited us to visit one of their colonies and the captain thought it was a good opportunity to grant some shore leave. Their colony's leader invited us to dinner and so the senior staff went down to spend the evening with the locals. It was the first time Starfleet set foot on that planet so we didn't know anything about what would be waiting for us. When we did go down, though, the whole place was like a vacation resort."

When he saw the look in Julian's eyes, he suddenly paused. The young man was staring at him, as if he'd sprouted wings.

"I'm sorry, you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

Julian opened his mouth to speak but was obviously lost for words. A pained expression crossed his face. An expression full of defeat.

"What's wrong, Julian?" Jadzia at his side softly asked, perching on the bed next to him.

For a long moment he wouldn't answer and just stared down at the bedcover. "About everything…" the young man finally whispered, rubbing his hands over his eyes as if he was utterly exhausted. As if he no longer had the energy to gather up the pieces his world had so suddenly shattered into.

"We were invited to some foreign people," O'Brien tried a new start, this time deliberately choosing easy words as if he were speaking to his daughter Molly. "It was the first time we met them and they were happy to have us stay a little at their place. You became friends with their leader and he must have asked you to help them with something."

"Me?" Julian looked up at this. But at least he seemed to have understood.

"You're a doctor," Jadzia joined, smiling. "You help people who are sick."

"But something went wrong. You promised to help them but in the end they…" O'Brien let the sentence taper off, not sure how to phrase it.

"…they hurt you and took you prisoner. We came to get you out – but obviously you lost your memory in the process." Dax finished for him.

The young man looked stunned, obviously not sure what to say. Until Jadzia handed him a padd. "Here," she said and activated the screen.

Julian reluctantly took the padd, obviously not sure what to do with it. "What is this?" he said, as he weighed the device in his hands.

"It's a padd," O'Brien jumped in, showing him how to navigate the screen. When he saw the lost expression on Julian's face, he quickly added: "It… shows you stuff."

Jadzia tapped at the screen and brought up some information. A second later, a picture appeared. O'Brien felt an unpleasant twinge at the sight.

"Who is this?" the young man asked, obviously completely oblivious to O'Brien's reaction. He still held the padd as if he was afraid of breaking it.

"That's Heral, the leader of the settlement we visited. The person you became friends with," Jadzia probed. She was obviously hoping for any kind of reaction. Though Julian just stared at the picture, as if he was trying hard to drum up any shred of information. In the end, he just shook his head.

"He… doesn't seem familiar. I don't think I have ever seen him before."

O'Brien exchanged a quick look with Dax. The young Trill thought for a moment and then drew herself up.

"I think I have an idea."

Julian looked up at this, though he kept silent as if he wasn't sure if he was able to contribute anything useful to the conversation. It hurt O'Brien to see his friend like this. Usually, Bashir was the one to come up with all kind of more or less useful ideas. He always seemed to have some opinion or other on a subject, and he always chose to share it with others, no matter if asked to or not. It was one of the reasons O'Brien hadn't been able to stand Bashir at first. But that had been four years ago. O'Brien couldn't remember a time when he had ever seen Julian this silent before. It was almost as if he was afraid of saying something wrong, or something that didn't make sense. He involuntarily wondered, how much of Julian was still there, not wiped out by whatever procedure Heral had subjected him to.

Jadzia went over to the science console and brought up some data. O'Brien followed, curious as to what she suddenly had in mind. When he had a closer look over her shoulder, he noticed that it was Julian's personal file that was displayed on the screen. He turned a questioning brow at the young Trill.

"Let's try something else," she said as her eyes searched the data. She put her finger on one particular folder and instructed the computer to download the file. "Perhaps we can find something useful in his personal database. Like some old pictures, or anything that might remind him of his life on DS9. Perhaps Heral's picture is not personal enough. He's only met him the other day, so he probably wouldn't associate anything with him. Perhaps if he had a look at other familiar things or persons, something might come back to him."

"Access denied. Please enter your personal code," the monotonous computer voice rejected her request. The young Trill bit her lip. Then she cast O'Brien an almost sheepish look. "Chief?"

O'Brien arched the other brow. "You want me to hack his personal files?" But he immediately became serious again. It was a good try. And he'd do anything to help Julian get back to normal. No question he'd do it.

"Alright, let's see," O'Brien murmured but another minute later he'd already bypassed the security code and another minute later he'd downloaded the data folder with Julian's holophotos down onto a padd. Not that there were many. He was surprised at how few the young man obviously had brought with him to the station. When he thought back to his own database it was full of pictures of Molly or the whole family. In Julian's database, there weren't even ten. He wondered if Julian might keep them somewhere else. With a quick chirp, he disconnected the padd, handing it to Jadzia. "Promise me to keep this a secret," he muttered under his breath.

The young Trill grinned. "I will." Then she went over to Bashir, the mischief suddenly driven from her eyes as she once again expectantly sat down next to him on the bed. She quickly thumbed through the content. A few pictures of Julian's family and his friends. Exactly what she needed.

"We downloaded some of the holophotos you stored in your personal data base. I'm not sure if it will help but at least we should try. It might be that they stir up some memory. Let's see."

=/\=

He stared at the holophoto in his hands, his fingers clutching the frame of the small device. Three people were grinning into the camera, staring happily back at him. Jadzia had pointed out the person in their middle to be him. With a queasy feeling he realized that he couldn't even recognize himself without help but chose not to make any comment. A man with brown hair and big glasses was standing to his right, an arm around his shoulder. A woman with long, dark hair was flanking his other side. They were young, their eyes filled with the sparkle of mischief.

"Who… are they?" he said without looking up, mesmerized by the sight.

Jadzia bent over to have a closer look. She frowned. "I would guess some friends. Back at the Academy?"

He shook his head, a strange numbness spreading inside him. He didn't know what Academy she was referring to. Again, he didn't even know what _Academy_ even meant. He tried not to dwell on that fact or the fact that Miles and Jadzia must have noticed by now how little he was able to understand. He wasn't stupid. He knew how much they were going out of their way to keep their words as easy as possible. But that didn't make it any easier for him. He felt like a failure. Like something broken. Something that no longer functioned properly and that soon would be given up upon.

"They… don't look familiar. I don't think that I know them." Deep down he knew that he should, though. He knew that he was supposed to know them. And the realization sent a flash of pain through him.

He rapidly blinked against the moisture that was suddenly forming in the corner of his eyes. He'd tried to pull himself together so far. He'd tried to maintain a stiff upper lip. But the growing emptiness, the mounting feeling of helplessness inside was hard to ignore. He didn't know how much more he was able to take.

And then there was something else. A disturbing feeling, or fleeting thought, in the corner of his mind that remained just out of reach. Something he desperately tried to remember but couldn't grasp. It was like something dark and frightening hovering somewhere in the remotest corner of his mind, looming like a dark shadow that was only waiting for a moment of inattentiveness to come launch itself at him.

For a short moment, he closed his eyes. Every fiber of his body was screaming at him that he didn't belong here. He didn't know these people and he didn't even know if he was the person they wanted him to believe he was. Goodness, he wasn't even sure if _Julian_ was his real name. He felt as if someone had whisked him away from wherever he came from just to throw him into a nightmare. He wanted to go back. He didn't know where that was, but it was certainly not here.

Here, everything was dark and cold and gray and the room was just too small. He was surrounded by people he didn't know and was supposed to do things he just couldn't. And then there was that disturbing feeling deep down inside he couldn't put his finger on.

With a deep breath, he opened his eyes and continued scrolling through the pictures at random, searching for a familiar face, knowing at the same time that it was a futile task. There were other pictures with other people he didn't know. Like an older woman sitting next to him while an older man was standing behind them, the man laying his hands on their shoulders in a very intimate way that expressed affection. Then another picture with him and a girl. The girl wore a pink sweater and a pink frill skirt, clutching his arm with a big smile. She was leaning so close that their cheeks almost touched.

When he scrolled to the next picture, he suddenly froze.

A young girl was grinning back at him. A young girl with big brown eyes and brown hair in braids. She couldn't be more than ten or so. He stared at the picture, every thought suddenly driven from his mind. Something held him in an iron grip, making it impossible for him to think. Time seemed to stand still. He stared at the picture in an intensity that he almost forgot to take another breath. Until something wet suddenly splashed onto the screen next to his fingers.

Perplexed, he stared at the wet drop. It took him some seconds to realize that it was a tear.

Almost in reflex, he wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his pajamas, trying to wipe the tears away. Though to his dismay, they wouldn't stop. His vision blurred, more tears dropping down onto the padd next to the first. He shut his eyes close, trying to pull himself together. He didn't know what was suddenly up to him. And he didn't want to cry. Not in front of Jadzia and Miles anyway. He already felt like a failure, he didn't want to make his humiliation complete.

But grief suddenly washed over him in such a breath-taking intensity that he was powerless. It was like a storm sweeping over him, scattering his resolution to dust.

His hands sank down to his knees as he struggled in vain to keep his emotions under control. But his world came suddenly undone. Every thought was driven from his mind, until grief was everything that was filling him up from head to toe. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop the tears from coursing down his cheeks. It was like a dam bursting. Something was clutching at his heart, digging its sharp nails into it. His chest tightened painfully, grief turning into physical pain.

The padd slipped from his fingers, clattering down to the floor.

"Julian, are you alright?" he heard Dax' alarmed voice next to him. A warm and comforting hand on his arm.

He wanted to curl up and hug himself and wish himself far, far away. But instead, he just shook his head, sobbing uncontrollably. No words would come, no words were even close to describe the dreadful feeling he had inside. And he couldn't stop.

He didn't know where he was. He didn't know who he was. He only knew that something was terribly wrong. And the picture of that little girl had just made things spiral even farther out of control.

"Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all," he thought he heard Miles' voice as he bent down to retrieve the padd. With one thumb he had shut it down. "Julian, we'll find out what's wrong. Just hang on. Please."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Slowly, he raised his gaze to meet that of his reflection in the mirror.

Someone was staring back at him. Black hair, hazel eyes. A face just too pale, lined with exhaustion. A face, that was as unfamiliar to him as the rest of his surroundings. It looked like that of the young man in the pictures Jadzia had shown him, but as far as he was concerned it might as well belong to anybody. He didn't associate anything with it, and it didn't stir up any emotions inside him. Least of all did he recognize it as his own.

He quickly averted his gaze, trying not to look any closer at his reflection.

Instead, he opened the water tap as Miles had shown him. A gush of water came from the faucet.

He took a deep breath and tried to calm his still thumping heart. The tears had finally dried but the terrible emptiness inside just wouldn't go away. He didn't know what so suddenly had come over him. It wasn't that he remembered the girl in particular. It was just as if his body had its own will, as if everything had happened on autopilot. From one moment to the other emotions had been there, consuming him until he didn't have any other choice but let go of them. He'd literally cried his heart out and the worst thing was that he had absolutely no idea why. His body felt like a stranger to him, now more than ever before. He felt his cheeks flush at the thought of what Miles and Jadzia must be thinking of him. First he didn't have any recollection of his old life. Then he broke from one moment to the other into tears. What else was there in store for him?

No memories meant no past and even though he was living in the here-and-now, he only understood half of what was going on around him, so it wasn't as if he was really living in the present either. He wasn't sure about the future, but he doubted that it would be all too bright. The truth was that no matter what they wanted him to believe, his life was a mess… _he_ was a mess…

He took a deep breath and finally put his hands under the running water….

… and felt a jolt of something when the water made contact with his skin. He cried out in spite of himself and jerked his hands back. Water splashed down onto the floor as he stumbled backwards, away from the basin, staring in horror at the running water. Then at his soaking wet hands.

Blood was rushing in his ears, mixing with the gush of water. And suddenly he felt sick to his bones. He couldn't think.

He just stumbled back until he bumped into something. The wall. His knees buckled beneath him and he went down to the ground. Still, he couldn't take his eyes off his hands. Off the water dripping down to the ground, dripping onto his pajamas.

His first instinct was to wipe his hands against his trousers. His only thought was that he had to get the liquid off his hands! But he couldn't move. Something held him where he was, nipping any thought of action in the bud. He just cowered there, knees drawn to his chest, both arms stretched out in front of him with his heart hammering against his rib cage. His breaths came shallow and too fast, an insurmountable fear tightening his throat that it was impossible for him to even cry for help. It was all he could do to stare in horror at his hands, unable to comprehend what was happening…

Until finally the spell that had held him captive was broken. Exhaustion rolled over him like a wave. His head sank down until it came to rest on his knees. It was too much. He couldn't take any more.

It was a nightmare. No matter what Jadzia or Miles wanted him to believe, it was a nightmare.

_Don't worry, you're safe now._

He didn't feel safe. He felt awful. He didn't know who he was or where they were. He didn't know where his memories had gone. He didn't know what was up to him, or why he reacted as he did. He just felt like a complete failure, worthless and broken. And with every waking minute it got only worse. He didn't want this life. If this was what life was like after he survived whatever accident he'd been through, he would have been better off dead.

He closed his eyes, shaking, wishing they would just send him back to that great oblivion where they had torn him from in the first place.

=/\=

"What do you make of it?"

O'Brien shot her a worried glance while he absently paced sickbay. He seemed restless, as if he desperately wanted to do something but finally had to realize that this time the problem was way beyond his ability to help. Jadzia looked once again down onto the padd and called up the last image. The image that so suddenly had shattered Julian's composure.

It was a girl with brown hair, not much older than ten or so. She was grinning into the camera, freckles on her cheeks. She looked like a normal girl. There wasn't anything special about her. She noticed that O'Brien had stopped his pacing and had moved to stand next to her, peering at the image.

"The picture's thrown him completely off track," he commented with a frown. "I've never seen her before, and he's never mentioned her. Who is she?"

Jadzia shook her head, scrolling down to the image's properties. _If just she knew_. There was a date there, but she doubted that it was the original date the picture had been taken. "It's more than ten years old, at least. But I have no idea who she could be or what she has to do with Julian."

"Do you think he remembered her?"

Jadzia blew out a long breath. His reaction had not been quite what she had hoped for. In fact, she hadn't even considered that showing him his old pictures could cause a breakdown like that. "I'm not sure. I don't think he remembered her consciously. More like the imaged stirred up emotions deep within him. But it could also be that she was just reminding him of something he'd seen on the planet. You heard what Elra said about those children. He might have known some. It would explain his behavior in the Sanctum."

O'Brien cast another worried glance toward the adjacent bathroom. "You think he's okay? Perhaps we better had a look."

After the young man had somewhat calmed down, Jadzia had shown him to the bathroom so that he could wash away the rest of his tears and change back into his uniform. She had suggested they have something to eat, for the time being abandoning any plans to help him regain his memory. She didn't know when he'd last had anything to eat but he looked drained and tired and it would do him good to have something in his stomach. And it would distract him from his misery for the time being. She'd thought of the mess hall so that she could show him around while they were on their way. Help him adjust to the new situation and make the best of it.

"I'll have a look," O'Brien decided with another anxious glance toward the bathroom. It had been nearly ten minutes and Julian hadn't come back. After all that had happened, she could very well understand his precaution. He quickly crossed sickbay and knocked on the door. "Julian? Is everything okay?"

Dax ventured over to him, not sure if she should share his worry. But then O'Brien had already ordered the computer to open the door and it whooshed aside to give them a good view of the small adjacent room. The first thing she heard was the sound of running water. And an instant later, she felt her heart miss a beat.

Julian was cowering on the floor, both knees drawn toward his chest, both arms stretched out in front of him as if he wasn't sure what to do with them. His hands were wet and he was shivering all over. There were stains of water on the floor, leading from the basin to where Julian sat, huddled on the floor. The water was still running.

"Julian, what…?" she started in alarm – but then the realization hit and she felt a cold shiver run down her spine, closely followed by a wave of guilt.

"The water…" she said in dismay. "It's the water!"

While O'Brien moved over to close the tab, Dax quickly took a towel and knelt down next to the shivering young man. She quickly toweled his hands dry. Only then did he seem to wake from his stupor.

"I-I don't know what happened," he tried to apologize, his voice trembling. He looked as if he was going to be sick. His face had lost all its color.

"Julian, look at me. Everything is going to be alright," she urged him to look at her, still holding his trembling hands in hers.

"When I touched the water… I-I…" He grimaced, closing his eyes as if he were ashamed that his words didn't make much sense. "I don't know what happened… I'm sorry… I don't…"

"It's alright. You had a bad experience with water. It probably reminded you of it," she tried to sooth him as best as she could, scolding herself for not having anticipated this. She squeezed his hand, waiting for Julian to gather himself. "Is everything okay?"

He shyly nodded. With her help, he came to his feet. He still looked just too pale but at least he seemed to have regained his composure. With another look into his anxious face she made sure that he really was okay. "I'd suggest you get dressed. We'll wait outside."

He just nodded, obviously too exhausted to argue.

He emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later. He'd changed back into a fresh uniform, a new combadge pinned to his chest. Even though he wasn't on duty, she'd thought it a good idea to have something to track him down should he get lost along the way.

She felt her stomach twist at his forlorn sight. Usually, he was the one everyone relied on. He was a brilliant and competent doctor. He was caring and passionate. Sometimes he would talk too much or let his enthusiasm get the better of him. But he was her friend. And he wasn't supposed to be like this. She couldn't help but wonder if Elra had been right. That there was no way of bringing him back once he'd been sent to the Sanctum. Given, they had managed to free him from Heral's energy web. But it wasn't the same man, the same person she'd become friends with during the last four years. He looked like Julian, but apart from that, they had nothing in common. With a flash of guilt, she pushed the thought away. She wasn't ready to give up on him just yet. He needed her. Now more than ever before.

"Are you ready?" She asked with an amiable smile. Julian only nodded. He followed her toward the door.

"What do you feel like? I bet you must be starving," O'Brien joined in, trying to lift everyone's mood.

"I'm not sure if…," Julian began wearily, just to stop in midsentence. The rest of his words never left his lips when suddenly his knees folded beneath him and he simply collapsed. It all happened so fast. His body went slack and he just plummeted down to the ground, hitting the floor in a fashion that made Jadzia's heart stop dead in her chest. He sprawled on the floor, unmoving.

"Julian!" O'Brien exclaimed. A second later he was kneeling down next to the young man.

Jadzia grabbed for a tricorder, quickly running a scan on Julian's unmoving form.

"He's lost consciousness," she stated matter-of-factly. "But I have no idea what happened." She quickly felt for his pulse. To her huge relief it was steady and strong, his breaths coming deep and regular.

"He… simply collapsed in midsentence," O'Brien tried to make sense of the situation. "Like someone had just pulled his plug."

"Julian," she called his name and gently cupped his face with one hand. "Julian, can you hear me?"

To her great relief, the young man finally stirred. Ever so slowly, his eyelids fluttered until he gradually seemed to come round again.

"What… happened?" he groaned, trying to sit up. O'Brien lent him a helping hand.

"You tell us," the Chief said with a worried frown. "You just collapsed. You just fell in a heap on the floor."

"I…" Julian looked from one to the other, obviously lost for words. "I have no idea. Everything just went black. I… guess you were right. I think I could really need something to eat…"

=/\=

When he followed them out into the corridor, his first instinct was to draw back and stay where he was. He wasn't keen on wandering around this place. Everything was dark and the hallways narrow and gray and utterly unsettling. It was cramped and he couldn't shake the feeling that something dark was waiting for him beyond the walls of the corridor. He didn't want to go any further. The place scared him. It was so unsettling because he could never be sure what would be waiting for him around the next bent.

To his dismay, Jadzia and Miles didn't seem to notice his distress. Or they didn't want to.

He tried to push back his fear, trying to calm himself. Miles and Jadzia didn't want him harm. At least that he could tell from their gazes and the way they were talking to him. At least he wasn't in any immediate danger. But not knowing what was coming next or what he'd be facing a few steps down the road, was draining. It was utterly exhausting.

And then there was that disturbing feeling he had deep inside.

You weren't supposed to forget your name. You weren't supposed to break into tears without reason. You weren't supposed to black out one second to the other.

"Here we are," Jadzia said when she entered a larger room with tables. A few people were sitting here and there, but the room was mainly empty. She led them to a table in the farthest corner, gesturing for Julian to have a seat.

"I'll get you something. Just wait a minute."

He thanked her silently for sparing him the question what he was feeling like because he had no idea what food there was. He wondered who all the other people were, silently praying that none of them would decide to try and talk to him. He tried not to draw any attention, consciously avoiding eye contact with everyone around.

"Julian, relax, they're your friends," the chief at his side said, having obviously noticed.

"Where… are we?" he couldn't help asking. Everyone was wearing the same black uniform, only the shoulder part was different.

"We're… in space," the chief hesitantly said, as if he wasn't sure how much Julian was able to grasp. "On a spaceship called _Defiant_. We're heading back to DS9 – a space station." Clearing his throat, he added: "It's where we live. It's our home."

Julian knew that he must be staring at Miles because he had no idea what he was talking about. He didn't know what space was, nor did he know what a spaceship was – least of all a space station. He felt frustration well inside him, closely followed by despair.

"It's okay, we'll take it slow," Miles quickly said. "I know that everything must seem foreign and frightening to you, but you'll get used to it."

In that moment, Jadzia came back with a tray in her hands. She placed a cup of something in front of him together with some round things on a plate.

"What it this?" he eyed the things skeptically.

"Tarkalean tea," she said with a sad smile. "And some scones. It used to be your favorite."

He reluctantly extended one hand for the cup – but then thought better of it, the memory of what had happened in the bathroom still too fresh. The beverage's scent, however, allowed him to relax just a little. He closed his eyes and imagined himself sitting with these people, drinking this tea, talking about _spaceships_ and _space stations_. It felt like something out of another person's life.

"Only one more day, Julian. Then we'll meet Captain Mzetk and his crew and we can run a proper medical scan. Their doctor will know what to do. They'll be able to help you," Jadzia offered, as she must obviously have noticed his glum expression.

"And what if my memory doesn't come back?" He didn't want to sound desperate. Though it was exactly what he dreaded most. What if his condition was not temporary? What if he'd never regain his memory? What if he couldn't go back to his old life?

He spent the rest of their meal almost in silence. It did feel good to have something in his stomach which had grumbled for his attention ever since he'd woken. But the more he learned, the more he got the feeling that he didn't fit into Miles' and Jadzia's world anymore. Goodness, he didn't even know how to find his way through this place, leave alone get something to eat or use the bathroom without help. And if he hated one thing above all, it was to be dependent on others…

"How did it happen?"

"What?" Miles looked up.

"How did it happen?" he asked once again, silently bracing himself for the ugly truth. But he couldn't run away from it forever.

"What… did they do to me?"

Jadzia was the first to speak. "They depended on a certain energy to sustain their life. We don't know the whole story, but the little we do know is that they were running out of it and needed another source to tap on. They used to sacrifice their children. But when there were no children left, they needed to search for other ways to obtain that energy."

"So they chose me?" he couldn't help but ask. The thought gave him goose bumps.

"Heral, their leader, lured you into a trap. I don't know what exactly happened. One evening you had an argument with your commanding officer. It was the last time anyone of us had seen you. The next morning, you were missing. One of the settlers, a woman named Elra, tipped us off about your whereabouts. She said that Heral had made you go through a special procedure in order to provide them with your energy. And that you were in the world beyond, and that we should leave without you because there was no way of getting you back."

He felt a chill course through him. He couldn't remember any of it. But still, the thought alone made a shiver run down his spine.

"How did you…?"

"…get you out?" a sudden voice asked. When he looked up, he saw the man he'd first seen next to his bed together with Jadzia when he he'd woken. At he looked as intimidating as the first time he'd seen him.

"Benjamin," Jadzia shot the man a quick but genuine smile.

The man directed his gaze at him. "May I?" he pointed at the free place at their table before he took a seat and set his mug with a steaming brown beverage in front of him. He must have noticed something in his gaze because the man's countenance suddenly became softer.

"You remember me?" the man asked.

"You're… you were…" he stammered, his nervousness suddenly all back.

"Ben," the other man simply said, offering a comforting smile.

"You were asking how we got you out. We went into the Temple – the place you were brought to – and brought you back. They… had put you into some kind of special liquid in order to access your energy. You were sleeping there. When we got to the Temple and found you in that water, we got you out and back to the Defiant."

He couldn't remember any of it. Not Heral, not the Temple, not the rescue attempt.

He swallowed. "Why… did you come to get me?"

The other man looked him straight into the eye, as if he was trying to convey something very important. He took a deep breath, before he finally spoke. "Because I'm your captain and you're an important member of my crew. I'm responsible for your safety. I couldn't leave you behind." The man paused, as if he wasn't sure he should go on. "We almost lost you down there, Julian. You were literally drowned in that strange liquid. When we got you out of it, you wouldn't breathe on your own and your heart had stopped beating. You were so far gone that I feared you wouldn't make it."

"So I was dead?" He dreaded the answer as much as he longed for it.

Ben shook his head. "No, not dead. You were sleeping but if you had stayed there you would have never woken up again. And in the end, you would have died."

His fingers tightened around the mug of tea. Perhaps that was why he felt so incomplete, why nothing here made any sense. He ought to be dead. He was on his best way towards death – and someone had pulled him back unexpectedly. Unfortunately, the attempt had been futile. They'd only managed to rescue half of him. And that half was worthless without the other that was now lost forever.

"I wish we knew what happened down on Coldron. I was hoping that you might be able to give us the missing pieces to what Heral had done to you so that we know how to counteract it," Ben said slowly, still not taking his eyes off him. "There is something else. When we found you, you weren't alone."

He noticed Jadzia's side glance at Ben. He had no idea what he was talking about. As if having read his thoughts, Ben continued: "I know that you probably have as little recollection of the fact as of everything else, but when we found you, we also found two children who had undergone the same procedure at the same time. They weren't even in their teens. One of them was a little girl," he offered, as if he was hoping that it meant something to him.

"I-I don't know," he said almost in reflex.

Ben nodded. "I figured as much. When we woke you, you spoke her name. You seemed to remember her in that moment. And you seemed very upset about finding her in the Temple. You called her name. You called her Sira."

He stared at Ben, his heart pounding up his throat. He couldn't remember the Temple or the girl. "I-I'm sorry," he stammered. Somehow his heartbeat had suddenly doubled. He started to feel sick but didn't know why.

"Easy, Julian," the other man suddenly said with an obvious tinge of worry. He was still watching him closely, his hand suddenly reaching out for him to touch his arm in comfort. "This is not an interrogation and I didn't want to startle you. It's okay if you cannot remember anything. We'll find out what happened and how to reverse it. There's no need to rush things."

He only nodded, grateful that he didn't have to answer any more questions.

"Shall we go back?" Jadzia offered, when he kept silent. "You don't have to go back to sickbay. I can show you to your quarters? It's only a few more hours until we meet someone who might be able to help. Don't give up just yet, Julian. Your memory will come back. We'll bring it back." He wasn't sure whom she was trying to convince. But he refrained from commenting.

He didn't know what _quarters_ were… but he didn't have the strength to ask either. So he just nodded. He felt like a wave of fatigue was rolling over him.

When they drew themselves up from the small table, Jadzia wanted to show him the replicator and how to operate it so that he could order his own food if he felt hungry. Ben and Miles followed closely, waiting for him to bring back his tray with the still untouched cup when his vision suddenly blurred.

He stopped dead in his tracks, trying to pull himself together.

The clatter of things falling to the ground.

The next thing he knew his world was turning upside down as the floor came rushing up to meet him.

A cry of surprise and dismay. Something breaking his fall.

And then everything went black.

=/\=

"I just got word from Captain Mztek of the U.S.S. Haven. We'll meet them in another hour. They've prepared everything. There's a medical team at the ready as soon as we get to the rendezvous-point."

The Captain rubbed his tired eyes. How long ago was it that he'd looked forward to just coming back to the station and burying himself in his work? When exactly had all this started to turn into a nightmare? He didn't know. He couldn't shake the feeling that the more he tried to bring everything under control, the farther it spiraled just out of it. He'd thought that everything would be over after Julian's rescue. But he'd been wrong.

"What do you make of it?"

The young Trill at his side clasped both hands calmly behind her back, though Sisko knew that his old friend was anything but calm on the inside. She was slowly pacing sickbay.

"He's stable so far. I decided to let him sleep until the rendezvous." She stopped to look over to where Julian lay and a pained expression crossed her young face. "You should have seen him this afternoon, Benjamin, there's something wrong with him. I mean what happened in the mess hall was only the tip of the iceberg. Something's not right."

Sisko arched one brow and blew out a long breath. "You don't say."

"No, I mean really wrong," Jadzia held. "It's strange that he lost his memory but given the circumstances it would make sense. But what is even worse is that he seems to black out at random. It was the second time in a row. He just collapses in midsentence without warning. It's scaring and I don't know what it is about. I couldn't find any physical problem. All the scans came back negative. But that doesn't explain why he would lose consciousness so suddenly."

He nodded. He'd witnessed what had happened first-hand. One moment, Julian was about to bring his tray back to the recycling unit and the next the tray suddenly slipped from his hands when the young man had almost fallen like a heap to the floor. He'd caught him in time to break his sudden fall but he still got goose bumps when he thought back to the incident.

Dax continued: "And that's not all. He's not only lost his memory – the problem goes a lot deeper. He doesn't even remember basic things. Like what a replicator is or how to operate one. Or how to handle a padd." She sighed, as if she were utterly unsure what all this was about. "He's missing complete _notions_. He doesn't know what Starfleet is, or a spaceship, or space for that. You should have seen his face when I asked him about his parents. He didn't know. Not only did he not remember their names, he didn't even know what the word _parents_ meant. He sometimes cannot remember even the simplest things. It's not that he's back to being a child. It's more like he's a grown-up in a grown-up's body but without the experience of one. His intelligence, everything is still there. He's learning fast. But there's almost nothing left of what he once used to know. He has to learn everything again up from the beginning. It's obvious how much it gets to him."

Jadzia blew out a long breath. "I don't know but if you ask me, this is way beyond normal amnesia. And there's something else." She offered him the padd she'd held so far.

"What is this?" Sisko asked in confusion.

"Holophotos of Julian's personal database. We downloaded them to help him remember." She scrolled through the pictures. There weren't really many of them.

"He didn't recognize anyone, apart from that girl." She stopped the images flying by and put her finger on a little girl with brown hair. "When he saw her picture, he was completely shaken. He said he couldn't remember her, but there must be something about her that triggered something inside him. I don't have any idea who that little girl might be, but when he saw her pictures he started _crying_. He literally cried his heart out and he couldn't even tell us why."

Sisko looked at the holophoto. There was nothing conspicuous or special about the girl. She was grinning into the camera, her freckles standing out on her fair face. However, one thing stroke him as odd. She must be about the same age as the child they had found in the Temple. The girl Julian had so desperately tried to get out of the tank.

"It's a girl, about the same age as the girl that was in the Temple with him. But the date doesn't fit. It says that the picture is more than ten years old," Sisko observed. "I didn't get a long glimpse at the girl in the Temple, but I doubt that it's the same person."

"Yes, the picture is too old. The date says it's ten years old, but I could have been taken even longer ago," Jadzia sighed. "Can we find out more about her?"

"Why?" Sisko asked in puzzlement. He wasn't sure if finding out more about the girl would do much good. It was out of the question that she had anything to do with what had happened down on Coldron. On the other hand, there were similarities he couldn't ignore.

"I don't know. It's just a feeling," Jadzia crossed both arms over her chest.

"I'm not sure it'll be easy. I wouldn't get my hopes up. But you could ask Chief O'Brien to help analyze where Julian's got the picture from."

"Thank you, Benjamin." Then she became serious. "How was your conversation with Admiral Kellerman? What do we do about Heral and his men?"

Sisko sighed. His talk with the admiral had been an utter disappointment. "They're still debating. As far as the admiral is concerned, what Heral did was an attack on Starfleet. He knew that we were Starfleet and he deliberately used Julian for his own plans. Julian could – or would – have died if we hadn't gotten him out in time."

"But…?" she probed.

He tried to sound casual when he was all but seething inside. "They're still debating if we should press charges."

Jadzia blew out an unnerved breath. "If we go back to Heral, we might find something out that could help Julian regain his memory. There's still so little we know about what he did to him. We can't leave Julian like this. There has to be something we can do."

"I know, Old Man," Sisko sighed. "But for the time being we can only hope that Captain Mztek's able to help. I hate to admit it but at the moment it's our only chance."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that he was lying in a bed.

He sleepily blinked several times, trying to get his head around the new situation until the realization finally hit.

He was lying in a bed. _Again._

And the worst was that he had no recollection of how on earth he'd got here. Where the other room he'd woken up in had been bulky and gray, cramped and functional, the room here was bigger and brightly-lit. There were several beds like the one he was currently lying in, a black display like that of the padd Miles had shown him attached to the head of each of them. But this time there was no one waiting for him to wake up. The room was empty and filled with an unsettling quiet.

While it was a flutter of uneasiness that had welled inside him the last time he'd woken without any recollection of what had happened, it was now near full on panic that gripped him.

He struggled to sit up, his heart hammering in his chest, adrenaline pumping through his veins. The bedcover slipped down onto his legs and he noticed with relief that at least his clothes hadn't changed. The shiny metal device was still pinned to his chest. But where was he? And how on earth had he got here? It was a nightmare. A never-ending nightmare. And he couldn't wake up.

He felt short of breath, his chest tightened painfully. He had to get out!

He shoved the blanket aside and rolled out of bed. With dismay he noticed that his legs felt wobbly as if they would refuse to support him. He stumbled over to what seemed to be the door. It whooshed open with a slight hiss, revealing another long and brightly-lit corridor behind.

He didn't think twice. Propelled forward by some inner force, he just kept walking, trying hard not to break into a desperate run. But it was too much. There was only so much he could take. And he'd finally and for all crossed that line…

He kept on half stumbling, half running along the corridor. Every now and then he'd meet some passers-by, but he didn't pay much attention. He had no idea what he was searching for, or where he was headed. He only needed to keep moving. It was like some inner instinct that drove him further down the unknown hallways. He kept his head down, trying not to meet any questioning gazes. It worked. No one seemed to take notice, until finally he was alone.

He kept on walking a few steps and then came to a halt.

He turned into the direction he'd come from. Then back toward what was lying ahead of him. Everything looked pretty much the same.

Having escaped that strange room with the beds, he didn't feel much better. In fact, he felt even worse.

It was like he was drowning, desperately trying to get back to the surface but unable to find the right direction. Like he was disoriented and lost and the more he struggled to find his way back, the more he realized that he was swimming into the completely wrong direction, making everything only worse.

With no strength left, he just stumbled back against the wall, and when he felt the smooth surface in his back he slowly slid down. He sat on the floor, drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around them. His forehead sank onto his knees. He felt like he wanted to cry.

Everything looked the same – he didn't know where he was. He didn't even know where he was _supposed_ to be. His heart still hammered in his chest, and his throat constricted painfully. He was inches away from just shouting for help. They had to help him. Someone had to help him. Someone had to stop this madness. If he shouted for Jadzia, Miles or Ben, would they hear him?

He put his arms over his head, trying to convince himself that everything would be fine. Trying to fight down his mounting panic which was slowly threatening to overwhelm him.

"Hey," a gentle voice suddenly sounded, tearing him out of his self-retreat.

He startled and his head jerked up in spite of himself. When he looked up, he saw a woman in uniform coming into his direction. She must have spotted him from the distance because she changed her originally headed course and came straight toward him. He suppressed the urge to curl up even further and instead forced himself to stay still. When she was close enough that their gazes met, she seemed to hesitate just a second. There was a strange shadow, a flicker of surprise, crossing her face but it vanished quickly and was almost immediately replaced by open worry. He couldn't blame her. He knew that he must be a terrible sight.

"You look lost. Is everything okay?" she asked with a frown and lowered herself down until her eyes were level with his. She was older than him, her black hair already streaked with grey. She somehow had an aura of authority about her and the way she carried herself reminded him of Ben.

Julian swallowed. He had no idea who the woman was. Or if he should know her. Or if he could trust her for that. But her worried face was gentle. And he didn't have much choice.

"I… don't know where I am…" he said, completely ignoring his pride. He hated being helpless or having to depend on others, but right now he was too desperate to care. He just wanted it to stop.

She looked at him in puzzlement. Until she slowly seemed to understand.

"You're… from the Defiant, aren't you? You're Captain Sisko's crew…" she slowly said and nodded, as if to confirm her suspicion. "I heard that someone was treated in our sickbay. That was you, weren't you?"

Julian grimaced. "I don't know…"

She smiled. "That fact that you don't know tells me that it was you! That and your uniform."

Julian looked down at himself, then at the other woman. Only then did he notice that the pattern of their clothes was the other way round. When his would be black with blue trimmed shoulder parts, hers was blue with black trimmed shoulder parts. It probably had a meaning which eluded him. He felt tears well up in the corner of his eyes, but he bit them back. It was just overwhelming. There was so much he didn't know of this world.

"I… cannot remember anything…" Julian said awkwardly. "… I don't even know why I'm here…"

The woman's smile was amiable. "Don't bother with that. It's a question philosophers on Earth have grabbled with for centuries."

"Earth?"

She flashed a warm smile. "The planet you're from. You're human, from the planet Earth." Her eyes took on a sad glint as she looked straight at him, as if she was remembering something – or someone.

"You really do not remember anything, do you?"

Julian shook his head. "No…"

"Well, sometimes forgetting your past can be bliss," she said with an arched brow, obviously trying to cheer him up. Then she offered her hand to help him up from the floor. Reluctantly he took it. "But I'm sure it's only temporary. I'll bring you back to sickbay. Dr. Thompson will be worried by now. He's not the type to take it well if one of his entrusted patients goes running off on his own."

She searched his face, then frowned. "Do you remember your name?"

"Julian," he said, "… at least it is what I've been told."

She paused for a moment, looking at him with a faraway look.

There was honest empathy in her voice when she urged him to look at her. "I know, it might be hard for you, but it's going to be alright. It's only temporary. You will regain your memory, and then everything will be alright, trust me. You just have to believe in you and your friends. And our CMO. He'll patch you up again, you'll see."

"CMO?"

"Chief medical officer. Our ship's doctor," she said with a laugh. "But you'll see for yourself."

"I used to be a doctor, too," he offered as they walked side by side. He didn't know why but he felt as if he could trust her. There was something about her that put him at ease. It was different than with Miles and Jadzia. It was a feeling that came from somewhere deep inside.

"Really? Where were you stationed?"

He thought for a moment. "Deep Space… something."

"Deep Space Nine? The space station near the wormhole?"

When she saw his puzzled expression, she said: "Oh, of course you wouldn't remember what a wormhole is. I'm sorry. I heard that it's a fascinating place with a fascinating crew. You must be Dr. Bashir then. I've heard a lot of you."

She gave him a side glance, as if she was waiting for his reaction.

"I-I… don't know," he stuttered, hating himself for repeating the same words over and over again. "What makes you think so?"

"I just put one and one together. Your reputation is far better than you think."

"What reputation?" He couldn't quite follow.

The woman laughed. It was a sincere laugh, full of warmth. "You graduated second best in your year at the Academy. You were nominated for the Carrington award. You found a vaccine to the Blight. You always wanted to practice frontier medicine and you're doing a great job as Deep Space Nine's CMO." She almost looked wistful as she counted off the glorious deeds of Dr. Julian Bashir – things he didn't have any recollection of, and he didn't really feel proud of. In fact, it was scaring that others seemed to know so much more about him that he himself did.

A few intersections later they had reached their destination.

When they entered sickbay, a doctor in white lab tunic was rushing toward them.

"My goodness. I thought I'd lost you. After I left you alone for just a few minutes," he exclaimed in half anger, half relief.

"I found him outside in the corridor. He was lost and didn't know the way back to you," the woman explained with a smile.

"I'm indebted to you, Miranda, as always" the doctor said with a sigh. "He's suffered a complete memory loss. In his present condition, he wouldn't even be able to tell a cat from a dog, say nothing of finding his way through a spaceship!"

On that, the woman seemed to stiffen. But the good-natured smile had already reappeared on her face. "Then I'll leave him to your healing hands, Doctor." She turned to Julian and gently squeezed his hands. Her hands were warm, and he felt himself relax just a little, in spite of himself. Like if she was telling him, everything would be alright then everything would be. He smiled sheepishly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm sure everything will turn out alright. You're not alone. You have family and friends who'll always support you. No matter how glum the future may seem to you right now, every cloud has a silver lining. Don't forget that. And there's so much worth coming back to. Don't give up on yourself just yet."

She watched him another long moment, as if she wanted to commit his face to memory. Then she turned to the other man in the white lab tunic. "And you, Doc, don't lose him a second time!"

The doctor flashed a broad grin. "I won't, I promise. I'll miss you, Miranda. You know that you'll always be welcome here when your next job is over, don't you? Captain Mztek will be delighted to have you with us again. Take care."

She flashed an equally broad grin. "I know." With that she bid them farewell and was out of the door.

"So, now to you," the doctor said with a sigh. "Promise me you won't try to run away again."

Julian flinched. But instead of answering he couldn't help asking: "Where is she going?" He felt a pang of regret that he obviously wouldn't see her again.

The doctor loaded a hypo. "We'll drop her off at Selen II. She's an official mediator on behalf of Starfleet and their government has requested our help. Now, let me give you something that will help you relax."

Before he could have given any reply, the other doctor had already injected him with whatever was in his hypo. Julian tensed but a second later he felt the iron grip around his chest loosen. Breathing became easier.

"How's that?" the other doctor commented, gesturing for him to move over to the biobed.

Julian obeyed and sat down.

"Now let's see. I haven't introduced myself properly, yet. My sincerest apologies. I never reckoned you would wake up and go wandering off on your own." There was something like astonishment in the other doctor's voice. "My name is Thompson and I'm the doctor in charge here on the U.S.S. Haven. Your Captain Sisko asked us for help in finding out what caused your amnesia or how to help you."

Unexpectedly, Dr. Thompson sat down on the biobed next to him.

"So, how do you feel?"

Julian looked up at this. "I-I don't know…" He hesitated, not sure what the other doctor wanted to hear.

"I've read the reports Lieutenant Dax gave me and I had a look at the different scans she's taken," Dr. Thompson continued in a calm voice. "You've been through a lot and that your memory is now missing isn't really helping. It must be frightening not to know how to navigate the world you've woken up to. You don't have any memory to rely on and you don't know where to start."

He swallowed. Dr. Thompson's words had hit the mark. "They keep telling me that everything is going to be alright and that I'm safe now. But I don't feel safe. I don't even feel alright. Everything is just wrong. I don't know how to explain it, but I just know that this is not how it is supposed to be."

Dr. Thompson was watching him intently. "Lieutenant Dax said that you seem to have vague recollections of your old life but that you cannot remember anything deliberately. She said it's more like there are things that seem to be able to trigger emotions in you while at the same time you have no memory of what they could mean."

Julian nodded, grateful to have somebody who seemed to understand.

"I don't know where those emotions come from. They're just there. But I cannot make any sense of them. And then I seem to black out at random. And wake up in unfamiliar places."

"For someone whose waking hours seem like a constant unpredictable nightmare you are surprisingly calm," Dr. Thompson said with compassion. "You did a good job. Now let me do mine. Let's see what we're dealing with and how we can help you." He gently padded Julian on his shoulder. "You don't need to pull yourself together any longer. Everything is not alright, and we all know. Try to relax and let me do some tests. If you feel scared in any way, please tell me."

Julian lay down on the biobed while Dr. Thompson got down to work.

It felt good to have someone around who seemed to understand. He hadn't known Dr. Thompson and Dr. Thompson hadn't known Julian Bashir before the accident. It made it so much easier to talk to him as he didn't have to fear to not measure up to Dr. Thompson's expectations. Julian gradually felt his tension release.

They spent the next hours with various tests and by the end of them Julian felt his stomach slowly growling for his attention again. He was about to ask Dr. Thompson how long he would have to keep doing all those tests when the other doctor came over to him, his eyes trained on the padd he was carrying.

"And?" Julian probed.

There was a somber expression on the other man's face, a heavy sigh escaping his lips – and Julian felt his hope blown to pieces.

"It's not what I hoped I could tell you," Dr. Thompson said. "I don't want to frighten you, but I guess it would be better to have this conversation in the presence of your commanding officer."

=/\=

"I wonder if Dr. Thompson was able to find something out."

Dax was walking next to him through the corridor of the U.S.S. Haven, a young human officer taking the lead to show them where to find sickbay.

"He didn't sound very optimistic," Sisko commented, silently wishing that his impression had been wrong.

"Today is the day, isn't it?" The young Trill at his side shot him a quick side glance he didn't fail to notice. He was surprised at the sudden change in topics but only nodded.

"Are you going to watch it?" she asked nonchalantly, as if she were talking about the weather. They were rounding another corner, some personnel of the U.S.S. Haven passing them on their way. No one seemed to take greater notice of the two guests.

He took a deep breath. "I guess I will," he said at length. "They'll grant me visual access to the trial. I don't think I'm looking forward to it, though."

"What changed your mind?"

"I guess that after all, I don't want to lose her," he simply said, for the first time speaking out loud what he'd realized during the last days. He didn't want to lose Kasidy Yates. It had just taken him a shocking event to realize it.

"We're here, Sir," the young officer in front of them announced when he led them through a double winged door into what must be sickbay.

Julian Bashir and Dr. Thompson were already waiting for them. While Dr. Thompson's expression was serene and his emotions well hidden behind a mask of professionalism, the young man's weren't. Anxiousness and fear warred for dominance in his eyes when he saw them come into the room.

"Captain Sisko, I'm Doctor Thompson, the ship's CMO. We've already spoken before," the older doctor introduced himself. "Thank you very much for coming so quickly."

Sisko reciprocated the greeting and introduced Dax at his side.

"So, what were you able to find out?" Sisko didn't beat around the bush. Dr. Thompson clasped his hands behind his back, as if to ready himself for the conversation. Which Sisko doubted would be pleasant from the look of it.

"I'm sorry, Captain, that it's not what you probably hoped for." He blew out a long breath. "I'm sorry to be the one to deliver the bad news, but after all I saw and all the tests we made I'm not sure if there's anything we can do for him." He shot a quick look at Julian, who sat silently on the biobed, stoic, as if he was steeling himself for whatever bad news the doctor was going to announce.

"What Julian is suffering from is called retrograde amnesia. Usually, a person suffering from retrograde amnesia is unable to recall events that occurred before the development of amnesia while at the same time he's able to memorize things that occur after the onset. The time range can be quite wide. The lost memories can span a few hours or days up to several years. In Julian's case however, his entire life prior to the event seems to have been deleted from his memory. In addition to that, he's unable to comprehend a wide range of basic notions. It's like his whole former knowledge is wiped from his memory. Which must be in and on itself terrifying…" He gave Julian a concerned look. "But it's not only his amnesia I'm worried about. His neural pathways are deteriorating. It's a slow progress and you have to check it on a sub molecular level in order for the scanners to pick anything up, but fact is that the progress is taking place and – as far as I can see – there is no way of reversing the effect."

"What do you mean?" Sisko said, feeling as if he'd been dealt a painful blow. "He seemed to be stable…"

Dr. Thompson moved to sit down next to Julian on the bed, as if he didn't want to have this conversation while talking down to him.

"After all you told me, I think that in whatever way his mind and brain were connected to the alien's energy web, the damage most likely occurred when that connection was severed. There wasn't any immediate visible or detectible damage to his brain at first, but it obviously started a chemical reaction that not only caused his amnesia but also is responsible for the recurring blackouts."

"What can we do?" Jadzia joined, looking in worry between Dr. Thompson and Julian.

"I'm afraid I cannot offer any solution. Nothing I gave him seemed to have any effect. I don't know yet how to counteract it or how to stop it."

"And that means?" Sisko asked.

"That I'm going to die," Julian startled everyone with his calm words. Even though he most probably had understood only the half of it, the young man must have sensed the underlying message. He was slightly trembling.

"You don't know that," Jadzia tried to salvage the situation.

"I know," Julian said vigorously. "I can _feel_ it. I know that there's something the matter with me…"

"Is there anything you can do for him?" Sisko wouldn't give up on him just yet.

"I could try to slow down the process," Dr. Thompson suggested reluctantly with a wary look at Julian.

"No!" The young man's head went up sharply. "I-I don't want this!" His voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't simply lose my memory. I lost everything! I don't know who I am, I don't know who you are. There's so much you take for granted which is utterly beyond me. Most of the time, I only understand half of what you say. And even my body betrays me. I collapse in midsentence without any obvious reason! Whatever you did, you didn't bring me back. You've turned my life into a nightmare. You think you saved me from death – but the truth is you didn't save me. You just prolonged my life for a few more days or weeks but I can't escape the inevitable. My life's a mess. I don't think I can take any more of this." He was a miserable sight. He was trying to be brave but Sisko could see the effort it took him to will himself to stay calm in the face of such hopelessness. There was a fine tremor to his body, his lips pinched into a thin line.

An awkward silence descended upon their little meeting.

Until Sisko finally made a decision.

"As things are, I can see only one possible solution to this problem. We need to find out what exactly Heral did to you and how the connection to the energy web functions."

He took a deep breath but finally nodded.

"We're going back."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The tension in the room was palpable.

Sisko sat in front of the broad desk in Heral's study, Bashir and Dax at his side. While Dax seemed to be at least as alert as he was, the young doctor just sat there, hands folded in his lap, staring ahead out the broad window behind Heral with a face as if he were waiting for a sentence to be spoken. Sisko couldn't blame him. Julian hadn't uttered a word since their arrival here, just followed them in silence when Heral had led them to his office. Even though Sisko doubted that the place meant anything to Julian, the young man seemed taut as a bow.

"I never thought, I would see you again," Heral finally broke the leaden silence. His countenance didn't betray much, his emotions well hidden behind the mask he had worn ever since their first arrival here on Dolos V. They were alone. Against his expectation, Heral had preferred to meet them in private, without Klyn or any of his men.

"Neither did I," Sisko replied slowly. "Nevertheless, we're here now. And as I already told you before, we have a problem and we need your help."

The other man sighed. It was a laborious sigh, full of sadness and resignation. Heral leaned back in his chair, fixing Sisko with his gaze. "You know what you did when you broke into the Temple, don't you? You almost destroyed what we have built up here. You have no idea what you've done…"

Sisko took a deep breath. "I could say the same to you. You've not only kidnapped one of my officers, you were even ready to send him to his death. I think this is reason enough for anyone to intervene."

A sudden flicker of defiance crossed Heral's face. "Don't get me wrong, Captain. We didn't _force_ Dr. Bashir to cooperate. He volunteered. Otherwise it wouldn't have been possible to have him undertake the necessary preparation. He helped us out of his own will. Don't forget that."

"I won't forget that you're quite skilled at twisting the truth. If he had known what all this would come to in the end, he would have never agreed to help you. I don't know what you told him or how you made him cooperate but as things are we have a problem now. As I already told you before, something's not right with him. Our doctor cannot help him but I'm sure you know what could have gone wrong."

Heral chuckled humorlessly. "You forcefully ripped him out of the connection to the energy web. That's what went wrong. And while you were at it, you almost destroyed the whole web. We were barely able to keep it up and repair it. We're still trying to salvage what we can and it's not even sure if we will succeed."

Sisko didn't rise to the bait. "I need you to help him. There has to be a way to reverse what happened – what you did to him."

"Forgive me my frankness, Captain, but we never had a case like this. We never had to 'reverse' the procedure. The procedure was designed as one way only. Once an individual is connected to the web, there is no turning back. The person's self, his whole being will merge with our energy matrix. So, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we don't have much experience with 'reversing' the procedure."

"But when you first came up with it, you needed to think of something in the case of an emergency," Sisko held. "I can imagine that you're not thrilled to see us again now that your little secret experiment here has been revealed. But I spoke to the government of your home world. They were shocked to say the least. And they asserted us their full assistance in this case. So, if you like it or not, you will help us." Sisko's tone had become a nuance more menacing.

For a long time, Heral just stared at him, as if he was weighing his options. He must know that Sisko was not making empty threats. He'd probably already received word from their home world Dolos V. Sisko had made sure to give them enough time to contact Heral and confront him. But still, Heral shook his head as if he was talking to a stubborn child. "I've already risked too much. The energy web is weakened. And if the web breaks completely, my people will die. I cannot take such a risk."

Sisko felt his patience dwindle. He couldn't tell if Heral was telling the truth or not. But he couldn't accept no as an answer. There was too much at stake. "You not only put Dr. Bashir into danger, you also intended to harm the rest of my crew. You'll understand that I will do everything in my power to protect them. So, either you help us, or I will talk to your government about your plans on that night and believe me, when I'm through with you there won't be much left of your precious colony and their energy web."

Heral glared at him. For a long moment neither of them spoke. They both knew that Heral didn't have much choice.

"Very well, Captain," Heral finally said with a glance at Bashir. "But I'm not sure you'll like it."

When Sisko arched a questioning brow, the other man straightened in his seat. "I'm not even sure if it will work. The procedure is very old and as I said there never was a case when we needed to bring the person in question back from the world beyond." Heral held his gaze, defiantly, obviously mustering as much dignity as he could. "But we'll try."

"What are you going to do?" Jadzia at his side frowned.

"We'll reestablish the connection. And then we'll sever it properly. It's the only way I can think of."

"You're going to do the same thing to him all over again?" Sisko wasn't sure if he liked the idea. He didn't know what he had expected but it was not exactly what he had hoped for.

Julian at his side seemed thunderstruck. He might have been passive and silent before but at Heral's words, open horror was written all over his face. Jadzia must have noticed as well because she silently reached out for his hand and squeezed it.

"There is no other way, Captain. Either that or Dr. Bashir will remain as he is now. And I can't even guarantee you that it will work. It's nothing more than a lucky try. As I said, it's the first time we try something like this."

Sisko looked once again over to Bashir – and felt unspeakably sorry. The last thing he wanted to do was put him through everything again. But he also knew that Heral was probably right. They couldn't leave Julian like he was. He would die if they did. So there was no other way. And from the look on Julian's face he knew that the young man was most likely aware of it. Still, he would have given anything to spare him the ordeal.

"Alright. But I want to be present during the whole procedure," Sisko finally agreed, not taking his eyes off Julian.

"Very well, Captain."

"Julian?" he gently probed.

The young man swallowed. But then reluctantly nodded. "I-I just want it to end…"

"We'll need some time to prepare everything," Heral said, drawing himself up. "Let's meet again this afternoon. We'll be ready until then."

=/\=

Julian lay on the only bed in the elsewise empty chamber. Around him, candles were illuminating the room with their soft ember glow, probably an attempt to put him at ease.

But he didn't feel at ease.

Even in the warmth of the room, he felt cold. He shivered slightly, the thin blanket one had tugged around his body not enough to keep his teeth from chattering. His left arm lay outstretched outside the blanket. There were people milling around him. Things were being pushed around and every now and then some unfamiliar person would cross his field of vision.

He tried to clamp down on the flutter of panic. His heart was racing in his chest, and his palms were damp with sweat. He didn't know what was going to come, but he dreaded the moment he would find out.

Someone squeezed his hand. He looked over to see Jadzia sitting next to him, holding his other hand in hers. Her touch was warm and reassuring and he was grateful that she was there by his side.

After they had him change into a short sleeved white robe and led him into the "preparation room", Heral had one of his assistants bring him a cup of tea. He'd instructed Julian to drink the tea to help him relax and prepare his body for the procedure that lay ahead. Julian had reluctantly taken a short sip – and subsequently felt the urge to vomit.

He'd coughed and retched and hadn't been able to bring down any more of it.

It wasn't that the tea had a particularly unpleasant taste. It was just that his body wouldn't accept it. No matter how much Heral had been adamant that the tea was necessary for the preparation or Ben and Jadzia had pleaded with him that he needed to try to drink it, it had been useless.

In the end, they had to give up and Heral had suggested they try another way. Julian hadn't understood what the other man had in mind, but it didn't sound any better than the tea. Lying now so helpless and unprotected on a bed, he wished he'd never come down here in the first place. He was inches away from begging Jadzia and Ben to stop all this.

"We've got everything ready," one of Heral's assistants said, a middle-aged woman whom he'd called Myra. She came over to him and gently took hold of his one bare arm. She positioned it a certain way before she produced something from outside his field of vision, a thin glass tube with an even thinner needle attached to it. She urged him to look at her. Her face was gentle, and in contrast to Heral, she seemed genuinely worried about him.

"It's okay, Julian. You don't need to be afraid. Heral would have preferred you take the tea as its contents are absorbed more slowly into your system and it takes effect more gradually. But as it doesn't seem possible to give you any of it, we'll try to give you an injection instead." She looked over to Jadzia. "The effect should be the same, but it will set in a little faster."

He felt his body tense. Myra placed the tip of the needle against the crook of his arm – and pricked. He involuntarily gripped Jadzia's hand. His heart was hammering in his chest.

He saw Myra empty the contents of the tube into his arm – and suddenly he felt as if his head was being ripped off his body. His neck hurt and his head felt as if it was going to explode. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. The sensation left as quickly as it had come. A few seconds later the pressure on his neck was gone. He felt lightheaded.

"Is everything okay, Julian?" Jadzia's alarmed voice. She'd bent closer, studying his face with concern.

He couldn't answer. Instead, he kept his eyes trained on the ceiling. Everything suddenly spun around him, and he had the terrifying feeling that he was falling. Even trying to close his eyes wasn't doing much good.

"How long will it take?" Another voice. Ben. He couldn't see him.

"We've got everything ready. If you could help me bring him over to the other room," Myra said. Her voice, too, was strained.

Strong arms were helping him up into a sitting position. He barely managed to sit on his own. His world would just launch from one wild spin into the next. His fingertips were tingling, and his muscles wouldn't obey. He felt like a puppet.

"Julian, can you walk?"

Ben was placing one of Julian's arms over his shoulders, slowly pulling him up and steadying him. Julian tried not to fall over but found it just impossible to stay on his own feet. When Ben moved forward, he tried to set one foot in front of the other. He barely managed. He felt himself being more dragged across the room than walking but somehow they managed to get through the door into the adjacent room. He felt so utterly exhausted that he only wanted to sleep.

"Hang on, Julian, only a little further…"

"Bring him over here, Captain, into the water."

He stumbled forward, leaning against Ben who was the only steady thing in a world that had suddenly spiraled out of control. Until something wet suddenly touched his feet. A terrifying fear gripped him. It shot through his body like a bolt of lightning. He'd have shouted for Ben to stay where they were, had he been able to bring up enough strength. But he could barely keep his eyes open. Every nerve in his battered body was screaming at him that this here was wrong. But he was powerless, driven forward by a force beyond his control.

"I know that you don't trust me but let me give you one advice. I'm not sure if this here is something you want to witness. You can wait outside, and I will call you when it is over."

In his mind he was begging Ben to stay, to not leave him alone.

And to his great relief, Ben must have heard him.

"We will stay."

=/\=

Julian was swaying dangerously when Captain Sisko led him into the water. He almost looked as if he was about to pass out. Eyes half closed, he was only held in an upright position by Sisko, who had Julian's arm hefted over his shoulders.

"We'll stay," Jadzia heard him say and felt a dead weight drop from her chest.

She was standing with Myra in some distance, giving Heral and Sisko enough room to maneuver the young man into the right position. Klyn was moving over to the three men, as if he was ready to give them a helping hand if needed.

"Very well, Captain," Heral said with a sigh. "But I warn you not to interfere. You must give me your word. We know what we are doing, and every interference might cost your crewman his life. Please keep that in mind."

Sisko gave a wordless nod.

"Okay, then let him down now."

Cautiously, Sisko let the young man down. Julian's knees just buckled until he more or less sat in the shallow water, soaking the white garment he wore. The captain took a reluctant step back, and it almost seemed as if he was struggling with himself if it was really safe to leave Julian in the hands of Heral and his men. But then he turned his back on the scene and stepped out of the pool, moving over to her side.

Heral gave a short nod – and Klyn moved over to Julian.

The young man was sitting hunched over in the water. He didn't move, though Jadzia could see his shoulders tremble. And a second later, Klyn was next to him. He grasped the young man by his shoulders, pushing him without preamble forward into the water. Caught off guard, Julian fell. Water splashed as he hit the surface. Even through his fatigue something must have shocked him back to his senses because he flailed out with his arms, trying to push himself up again. Though Klyn was already there, pushing his head back under water. He didn't so much as blink as he held the struggling young man down, stoic as he always was.

She couldn't watch. She felt her stomach tighten at Julian's desperate struggle. He was going to drown. Klyn was going to drown him. They all were doing this to him. She felt sick.

"Benjamin…" she pleaded.

Next to her, Sisko was watching the scene with a glare. She could see the muscles of his jawline moving, saw the barely tempered anger that was reflected in his eyes. He almost gave the impression as if he was ready to jump at Klyn and punch him in the face.

"It's over soon," Heral said with a sad look at the scene unfolding in front of them.

Julian was still lashing out wildly, trying to get out from under Klyn's hands. But to no avail. Klyn was stronger than he was and held him down with a force that made it impossible for the young man to free himself. And then his struggle finally ceased as he had most likely run out of oxygen. His movements stopped, as if his resistance was suddenly broken. A second later his body was still. Klyn kept him in the same position for another few moments. Probably to make sure Julian would no longer put up a fight. Then he slowly stood up and said something in a language she didn't understand. The universal translator didn't pick it up and after Heral had uttered the same words, whatever happening she had just witnessed was over.

"He needs to rest now," Heral said, his tone gentle as if he was telling them to let Julian sleep. "After a few hours, the connection will be reestablished. Until then, there is nothing else we can do but wait."

"Was that really necessary?" Sisko finally said through gritted teeth.

Heral frowned. "Yes, it was. The injection we gave him shut down his body's defense function so that the liquid could enter his lungs to establish the connection to the energy web. He needed to be aware of what was going on. It doesn't work if the person in question is unconscious or asleep. That's why we give them the tea, to help them relax."

Sisko shook his head, obviously disgusted. "What did you do to Julian that night? How did you get him to cooperate in the first place?" Sisko narrowed his eyes. "He might be young and naïve but he's not _that_ naïve."

"As I said, we didn't _force_ him in the first place," Heral emphasized. "He volunteered to help us."

"But you had it all planned out, hadn't you? Ever since you heard that we were coming to your planet. You planned to use one of us for your little experiment. Why Doctor Bashir?"

Heral's face took on a faraway look. He seemed almost wistful.

"Because he had passion for what he was doing. He was enthusiastic. We thought he might have a high potential to fit for the procedure. And in the end he did. He connected to our energy web as one of our kind would have. There weren't really any difficulties."

"And you just told him that? You just told him your little story and he went along?" Sisko said with sarcasm.

When Heral kept silent, Sisko snorted. "Of course, you did not. How did you trick him into helping you?"

"He was adamant to help. We were about to try the procedure on two kids, Seara and Max. We were running out of time and they were the only possible candidates. I didn't tell him what we were going to do. I just said that we were going to perform some scans. Seara said that she was afraid of taking the scan and that was when Dr. Bashir suggested he take the scan first. He'd somehow grown quite fond of the girl. He wanted to show her that there was nothing to be afraid of. So he offered his help. He went along. But as you can understand, Captain, there is a point which once crossed doesn't allow you to return."

"So you've used him," Sisko stated. "You deliberately deceived him, tricking him into helping you and when he finally realized what you had in mind it was already too late. You couldn't even be sure that your procedure worked on him and you tried it all the same. He could have simply drowned on that evening!"

Heral didn't meet his eyes. "We couldn't be completely sure. But don't take me for a fool. Of course, we knew of the possibility that his physiology might not be compatible with ours which is why we carried out some test. But as it turned out during his stay here, it was."

Sisko shook his head, uncomprehending. "But how did you do it? What did you do to him?"

The other man didn't face him. "We made sure that he didn't tolerate our food as well as he should have so that he was literally living on an empty stomach. Then we gave him some of the preparation tea, and some small amount of the energy liquid to check its effect on him. We needed to see how he reacted."

"You poisoned him?" Sisko turned to Heral, appalled.

"No, we just made sure that he was ready when the time came. We kept him in a state where we could begin with the procedure whenever we got the chance. We only had to wait for the right time."

Sisko looked as if it took him a great deal of effort to stay calm.

"But in the end, it was all worthless," Heral said bitterly. "I'm truly sorry about the outcome of all this. I wish things had turned out differently. For both of us."

"As do I," Sisko said darkly. "I can only hope that you know what you're doing this time." There was obviously more he wanted to say but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat, the heated fire in his chest obviously preventing him from arguing with Heral any further.

Jadzia cleared her throat. Even though it hurt hearing what Heral had done to Julian, she needed to ask Heral something, now that she had the opportunity.

"Heral, you told us that Julian had grown quite fond of the twins you worked with during his stay. As far as I understand, they underwent the same procedure but unlike Julian, they are now a constant part of your energy web. If you don't mind, can you tell us more about them? The girl, what was her name? Seara?"

Heral shot her a strange look, as if he weren't sure about the sudden change of topic. He reluctantly nodded. "Yes… Dr. Bashir only met them on a few occasions but after all I saw he oddly seemed to care about them, especially the girl. Why do you ask?"

"Can you describe her to me? Is there any picture of how she looked?"

Heral shook his head. "I'm afraid, there are no pictures. She was one of our youngest."

Sisko turned a questioning look at Jadzia. She ignored it as she produced the padd she'd brought along with her out of her bag, calling up the image of the little girl out of Julian's private database.

"Did she resemble this little girl?"

Heral studied the padd for a long moment. Until he finally shook his head. "Not really. They look about the same age, and there's something about her eyes that reminds me of Seara. But no, they don't really look alike. Why do you ask?"

Jadzia again shook her head. "When he'd lost his memory, he seemed to remember her. But never mind."

"I will walk you back to the common room. Please feel free to stay there until we're ready. The preparations will take some hours. I will inform you as soon as we're ready." With that Heral gestured for them to follow him out of the room.

Almost against her will, her eyes strayed back toward the pool – with Julian's lifeless body inside. He was lying face down in the water, his body slack and unmoving. She felt her heart break at the sight.

"I will see you in a few hours."

=/\=

"And? How did it go?"

Chief O'Brien looked up expectantly, waiting for Dax to take a seat. The young Trill set her steaming mug of Raktajino on the table and sat down next to him. She wrapped both hands around the mug as if she were cold. Her face was somber, and the usual serenity gone.

"Well…" she started, "I guess according to the circumstances. They put him back to sleep and reestablished the connection to their energy web. Now we have to wait until Heral sends word. Once Julian is reconnected to their energy web, they are going to sever the link again. But this time properly." It was clear that she wasn't telling him everything and O'Brien decided to not ask for details. But from the little he knew about what Elra had told them, it couldn't have been a pleasant experience for Julian.

"So, is there anything you were able to find out?" the young Trill changed topics. Luckily, the mess hall was mostly empty, ensuring them a little privacy. While Dax and the captain had been down on the planet with Julian, he'd promised to see if he could find out something more about the picture of the girl in Julian's personal database. It had been quite complicated, but he'd managed. What he had found out, however, wasn't quite what he had expected. In fact, he wished they'd never downloaded the picture in the first place…

O'Brien nodded and produced the padd he'd been carrying with him. He lay it onto the table and pushed it toward her. He wasn't sure how to start.

"It was a little tricky, but I was able to trace its origin back to a planet called Invernia II…" he began.

Dax took the padd and activated the screen. The first thing that came into view was the picture of a little girl. It was the same girl. The same girl like in Julian's personal database. The holophoto was different, showing her together with an older boy at her side. But there was no mistaking her.

"It's a class M planet in the Calmar System with a quite warm and dry climate," O'Brien elaborated when he saw her questioning frown, "and the girl's name is Sirarrthka Drknarda Karrndra."

"Sirarrthak…" a voice behind them sounded even as Dax arched one brow at the long and unfamiliar name.

When O'Brien looked up, the captain was suddenly behind them, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. He hadn't noticed the captain enter. There was a puzzled expression on the captain's face, as if he was thinking hard about something.

"Sira," he finally mused. "That's the name Julian shouted in the temple…" he said more to himself when he sat down at their table. "Who is she, Chief? Could you find out more about her?"

"A girl from Invernia II." Dax showed him the padd with the picture.

"And what does she have to do with Julian?" Sisko frowned as he took the padd and studied the picture.

"That's a good question…" Dax said. "But I guess there is only one person beside Julian who can tell us. Chief, is there any way to get in contact with her? Were you able to find out more about her whereabouts?"

O'Brien grimaced. Now they were nearing the part, he'd pretty much liked to avoid. But there was no turning back now. "I'm afraid there's not." And if in response to their unspoken question, he added: "She died 20 years ago."

Sisko and Dax exchanged glances.

"So, you're telling me that she died 20 years ago. And Julian stores her picture in his personal database? How old was he then?" Sisko frowned.

O'Brien averted his gaze. He all at once felt quite uncomfortable. He hesitated a long moment, not sure if he should go on.

"Chief?" Dax gently probed, obviously having noticed his sudden reluctance.

The Irishman shook his head. "There's something else… But I'm not sure if I had the right to poke my nose into it. I just feel as if I… crossed a line."

"What did you find out?" Sisko was watching him with concern.

"He was ten when she died," O'Brien reluctantly admitted. "I looked it up in his personal file. I was just curious, and the information wasn't actually classified. I just wanted to see if there was any connection between the two."

"And?" Dax bent forward.

"He was on Invernia II with his father when the girl died. His father was on a diplomatic mission at that time. He'd brought Julian along and he spent half a year with his father on the planet."

"So, she and Julian had known each other?" Sisko mused.

"There's more to it," O'Brien conceded. "When I looked her up in the database and tried to find out more about her, I stumbled about some kind of newspaper article how she died." The Chief took a sip of his coffee, stalling.

"Chief? Whatever you found out might be important to help Julian. We can only tell for sure when we know, though."

"I know, Sir, but it's quite a private matter. I'm not sure if Julian would want anyone to know…" He sighed but finally shook his head.

"The article said that she was bitten by a snake while being caught in an iron storm. She was found by a Federation diplomat and his son. While the father went for help, the son stayed with her but unfortunately she died while help was under way. They found her in a nearby cave where they had taken shelter. When they searched for the son, they found him at the foot of a nearby slope. He'd presumably lost footing on the rocky ground while he was trying to get help. He was brought to hospital with severe internal bleeding."

Dax was staring at O'Brien. Next to her, the captain blew out a long breath.

"And that boy… was Julian…" Sisko concluded, closing both hand around his mug.

"I just wish we'd never found that picture," O'Brien said miserably. "'We had no right to access his personal files. Everyone has things they don't want to talk about. Some things just ought to remain private."

Dax cast him a sympathetic smile. Then she frowned as if something had suddenly come to her mind.

"Wait," she said. "If I remember correctly, Julian _has_ told this story to another person before." She looked up, suddenly excited. "You remember Melora Pazlar, the Elaysian Starfleet officer who came to the station three years ago? Julian was in a short-term relationship with her. While she was on the station, she told me about something Julian had said to her, about the reason for becoming a doctor. She seemed to be quite impressed by it. She didn't say much, only that when she'd asked him for the reason why he'd become a doctor, he'd said that he'd once been caught in an ion storm with his father when he was a kid. They'd found a sick girl. The girl died before the storm was over and they'd later learned that she could have been saved with an ordinary plant that grew in the area. It was an event that made him choose his career as a doctor."

"So he didn't really keep it a secret…" Sisko stroke his beard. "Even though that version of the story didn't include him being seriously injured."

"What do you make of it, Benjamin?"

The captain leaned back, his eyes fixed on the stars outside the viewport. He thought for a long moment before he spoke. "I don't know. For a ten-year-old, the event must have been quite traumatizing."

"It's been twenty years already," Dax said thoughtfully, "It's hard to tell how much it still affects him."

"Obviously a lot," Sisko arched one brow. "He mistook the girl in the Sanctum for that girl from Invernia II. He was desperate to save her, even if it meant hurting himself. And when he'd lost his memory after the incident, she was the only person he somewhat seemed to remember. You told me that he literally cried his heart out. If you ask me, the event from twenty years ago still seems to cast its shadow over him."

O'Brien inhaled deeply. "But the question is, do we have any right to interfere? It's not exactly as if he is in any immediate danger. If we hadn't found the picture in the first place, no one would have ever known about his feelings for her…"

Sisko nodded. There was a difficult expression on his face, as if he was pondering O'Brien's words. And making a decision.

"I'm afraid, I have to agree," he said at length. "There's only one thing we can do."

Dax shot him an expectant look.

"You said that he's told Melora Pazlar before. So we'll just ask him. And see what he has to say."

=/\=

It was getting dark outside when Heral finally sent word for them.

They followed him silently through the corridors, back toward where they had left Julian in his care several hours earlier. Though the room they were let into was different from the first. It looked about the same but instead of a shallow pool in the middle it had now one of the tanks, Sisko had already seen in the temple.

When he stepped closer, he felt his heartbeat quicken.

Julian was lying inside the pinkish water, face facing upwards, hands unmoving at his side. It almost seemed as if he were fast asleep. When they came closer, Sisko noticed that the color of the water had changed. When it was a thick pink at the beginning, it was now almost transparent, like real water.

"We're almost ready," he heard Heral say. "We're going to do the last step to sever the connection now."

Myra came toward the tank. She pressed some button on the other side – and a moment later the water level began to fall. Ever so slowly, the water retreated, until Julian was lying soaking wet in the empty transparent tank. He lay as still as if he were dead. His chest didn't move. Even before Sisko had the chance to ask if his crewman was alright, Myra produced an old-fashioned syringe.

"We're going to wake him up now," she said as she took Bashir's right arm and injected him with whatever was in that syringe.

Sisko moved closer to the tank. For a dreadful second, nothing happened. Until the young man's body suddenly convulsed. He coughed, water gushing from his mouth. Julian gasped audibly for breath, and for a moment it almost looked as if he was going to throw up. Sisko was quick to help him into a sitting position, while Julian coughed up more water. Once his lungs were free of it, he started to suck in desperate gulps of air.

"Easy now, everything's okay." Sisko didn't release his hold on him.

When his erratic breathing gradually eased, Julian lifted his gaze. "Captain…?" he said in utter confusion but the expression in his eyes left no doubt that he knew who was at his side. Then the young man's eyes obviously fell on another familiar person. "Dax! I'm… so glad to see you," he panted, looking about him with eyes wide with disbelief.

"Julian, what is the last thing you remember?" Sisko gently urged, not yet ready to believe that it was finally over. He slowly released his hold on Julian's arm.

The young man thought for a moment, then his face drew into a slight grimace. He frowned. "We were running some tests... I volunteered to submit myself to a scan. I had to change and they brought me some tea and I suddenly felt lightheaded and my body didn't work properly and then I was led to some kind of pool and they wanted me to go in…" he blurted, suddenly a look of apprehension on his face. He turned and startled when his eyes fell on Heral and Klyn, who stood in some distance.

"You… drowned me…." he whispered in disbelief. There was profound hurt in his eyes when he searched Heral's face.

"Is there anything else you remember? Like what happened after you were drowned in that liquid?" Dax at his side gently tried.

Julian looked at her, as if he were completely lost.

"I… I'm not sure… it's like in a dream…" he stuttered. "I was on a starship… and there were people I didn't know. It was like a nightmare."

Sisko nodded. "I know it doesn't make much sense right now, but I'll explain everything later. It's good to have you back."

"Let's get you out of there and into something dry," Myra said as she came over with a blanket. Dax and one of Heral's men helped the young man climb out of the tank and Myra quickly placed the blanket around Julian's shoulders. The young man accepted it gratefully, letting her lead him to where he could change into something dry. Sisko watched them leave. Then he turned to Heral. "Am I right to assume that the link was severed properly now?"

Heral nodded, a hard-to-interpret expression on his face. He seemed worn, too tired to argue with the captain. Klyn at his side was watching everything with a sour expression. He kept his mouth shut, though, even though it was clear that he would have pretty much liked to say something.

"Yes," Heral crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm afraid but this is as much as I can do for you."

A long silence.

"I wish things had turned out differently…" Heral finally said almost wistfully.

"As do I," Sisko retorted. "As do I."

"It's time…"

Julian Bashir was kneeling in front of one of the tanks, one hand gently placed on its lit. He seemed deeply absorbed. Instead of the white robe, he was back into his uniform, a fresh combadge pinned to his chest and he almost seemed back to his old self weren't it for that special look in his eyes that spoke of powerlessness and utter defeat. It was the same look when he'd been forced against his will to take out her symbiont. The same look when he'd been powerless against what had been done to the people in the Sanctuary District A in San Francisco when a transporter accident had catapulted them back in time to 21st century earth. It hurt her to see him like this, but she knew that it was probably only natural after all he'd been through.

"They were planning on letting them undergo the procedure," he whispered. "They were scared and refused to take part in it. I told them that there was nothing to be afraid of. I volunteered to do it first. I promised them that it would be painless and that I should know because I was a doctor. I told them that everything was going to be fine…" His voice broke and he took a deep breath as if to gather himself.

Jadzia Dax slowly walked to stand next to him, to have a better look of what was inside the tank. It was a girl, curled up into a fetal position. She was wearing the same white robe Julian had. She didn't need to ask him to know who she was.

"What happened that night was not your fault, Julian." She gently lay a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it in comfort. "Heral would have done the same to them if you hadn't been there. There's nothing you could have done for them. If anything, it was a tragic event that you got involved in the first place. If there's anyone to blame, it's Heral and the elders. I'm so sorry for what they did to you."

Julian looked up and tried in vain to offer a smile.

"He told me that a strange sickness had befallen their colony. A sickness that only killed their children. I promised to help them find a remedy…" Julian's eyes took on a faraway look, as if he was deeply absorbed in his memory. "He lied... And I believed him."

"Julian…" she said. It broke her heart to see him like this.

"Captain Sisko was right. I shouldn't have interfered. I'm so sorry for everything that happened." He did not only look beaten, he probably was exhausted beyond words. Even though everything in her urged her to ask him about Sira, the little girl from Invernia II, she just couldn't. Not yet. He'd gone through so much already.

"I just wish nothing of this had ever happened." Julian slowly took his hand away and took a deep breath. Then he stood.

"It's time," Jadzia went to his side. "Captain Sisko is done speaking to Heral and the elders. We'll get back to the Defiant and leave orbit as soon as you're ready. Dr. Thompson is already waiting for you."

Julian nodded, casting a last look back at the tanks. It was utterly unlike him not to argue that he didn't need any medical attention. Or perhaps he was just too tired to care. "Then let's go," Julian finally said and tore his gaze away. "There's nothing we can do here anymore."

Dax quietly reached over to take his hand. She squeezed it softly before they both went back into the bright sunlight and the young Trill slapped her combadge.

"Dax to Defiant. Two to beam up!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Julian Bashir was lying on his back, staring defiantly up toward the white ceiling with the even whiter lighting, and feeling utterly awkward.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine," he said for the perhaps hundredths of times, suppressing an exasperated sigh. Having to lie down on a biobed was terrifying, especially when he was the patient. He didn't like being made a fuss over, especially when he thought it was completely unnecessary. Upon their return to the Defiant, Sisko and Dax had almost immediately transferred him to the USS Haven and her CMO Dr. Thompson. He'd been adamant that he was okay and that it was nothing a little sleep wouldn't cure but neither Sisko nor Dax would have listened. So here he was, lying under the scrutinizing eyes of Dr. Thompson, trying to convince the other doctor that everyone's worry about him was unnecessary.

"I'm okay," he tried again. "Just let me have a look at my readings."

There was an audible sigh. And a moment later a middle-aged man appeared in his field of vision. The good-natured expression on his face was slightly marred by a flutter of anger. He demonstratively held the padd he was carrying in his hands up in midair.

"These are your results – and they're far from normal!" the other doctor simply said as he perched on the bed at his feet. "Your stress levels have gone through the roof, your cortisol level is all over the place, you have a deficiency in almost all essential nutrients and your blood work looks like something out of the experiment of a mad scientist. Shall I go on?"

When Julian just stared at him, he continued.

"I know that you're a doctor and I know that you like being in control, Julian, but this here is different." A sad shadow crossed his face. "It hit you pretty hard this time. I know that you might feel as if you were back to your old self but let me assure you – as a doctor – there still is a long way for you to go."

Julian let out a long sigh. Then he grimaced miserably. "I… just can't bear having to lie on a biobed…" he defended himself weakly.

Dr. Thompson patted his shoulder. "I know. I'll see what I can do for you." Then he drew himself up and went over to the science console. "Let's see if we can patch you up a little." He seemed to load something into his hypo.

"Do you always make such a lousy patient?" he heard the other man joke.

Julian closed his eyes and felt a wave of fatigue hit him. He idly listened to the sound of Dr. Thompson's work. So far, he'd pretty much managed to keep his fatigue at bay. Even when he'd felt as if his eyelids would drop close any second, he had somehow managed to hold himself upright and detached from everything when he'd said his goodbye to Seara and Max. He'd functioned on autopilot ever since they had beamed up from Coldron. He'd tried to convince his commanding officer that – when his initial shock had eased – everything he needed now was sleep. In his quarters. Long and deep. Alone. When Sisko had given him a commiserating look, telling him that they still needed to be sure that everything was okay with him, he had even managed to put up with Dr. Thompson, keeping a stiff upper lip when he'd endured one test after another. But he felt his energy dwindle now. It felt as if he'd been awake for ages. His head hurt and his body was aching and deep down he knew that Dr. Thompson was probably right. He was past the verge of fatigue, only functioning because he had no other choice.

He felt sick when he thought back to what had happened to him on Coldron. He'd trusted Heral. He'd felt responsible for the colonists. He'd wanted to help. Goodness, he'd been so naïve. Neither had he realized that Heral's whole story about the unknown sickness was completely made-up. Nor had he been aware of what Heral had intended to do with him. He felt so humiliated. So… used. And so utterly tired.

He hadn't been able to save Seara and Max. He hadn't been able to keep his promise. Again.

Suddenly something touched his neck, and his eyes flew open.

Dr. Thompson was leaning over him, watching the chart above his bed in worry. "Here, this should help."

"May I get up now?" Julian couldn't help but ask. He longed for his bunk in his quarters on the Defiant. Slowly, he tried to push himself up on his elbows.

"Easy now, Julian!" The other doctor said in alarm, holding him back down by his shoulders.

A second later he knew why. Dr. Thompson's face suddenly swam out of focus, rotating in his view until he actually saw two doctors spinning around him like on an old-fashioned merry-go-round. He collapsed back onto the bed.

"What… have you given me?" he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut in reflex. If it wouldn't stop soon, he feared he was going to be sick.

"Everything's alright. I gave you something to stabilize your system. Just give it some time to work." And to Julian's great relief, the spinning suddenly stopped. His head felt a little clearer, and the dead weight of fatigue a little less heavy.

"See? I think it's safe now to let you sit up," the older doctor commented, helping him into a sitting position. "But I want you to go easy on it for now. Don't rush things."

Even as Julian was about to form a reply, the doors of sickbay opened.

"Captain Sisko! Lieutenant Dax! Just the two persons I needed to see," Dr. Thompson smiled amiably as he greeted their guests.

Captain Sisko's face was somber as he cast a worried look in Julian's direction, then back at Dr. Thompson. Dax at his side seemed genuinely happy to see him.

"Julian, how do you feel?"

"Better… I guess," he awkwardly replied, very well aware that Dr. Thompson must be watching him closely.

"Doctor," Sisko nodded in Dr. Thompson's direction. "What do you make of his condition?"

Dr. Thompson flashed a quick smile. "He's over the worst. His condition is stable, there's no sign of any permanent damage or any decline of his neural pathways – even on the sub-molecular level. Which doesn't mean that everything in the garden is rosy yet. Even though there's no permanent damage to his brain and body, he's suffering from a large amount of stress. His body is way past simply tired. What he needs now above all is rest. His body has to slowly get back to normal and recover from the strain it had been put under." When he saw the puzzled expression on Sisko's face he added: "Just imagine him having worked double shifts in a row for three months. Then you'll get a pretty good idea of how he's feeling right now."

Julian could sense Sisko's worried look on him. He wished Dr. Thompson would stop making such a fuss over him. Goodness, he wasn't going to die, was he? Not anymore, anyway.

"He needs to stay in bed for at least another three days," the other doctor went on regardless.

"Three days?" Julian blurted.

"And don't you dare get up earlier!" Dr. Thompson admonished as if he knew exactly that Julian would just release himself from Sickbay the moment no one was watching him. "It'll take another two days to get back to the station, during which I will keep you here to have an eye on you."

Julian didn't know if Dr. Thompson was serious or not. But judging from the stern look on his face he really meant it.

Dax obviously couldn't hide a grin. Even Captain Sisko seemed slightly amused. Until he suddenly became serious again and cleared his throat.

"There is something, I wanted to see Dr. Bashir about," he said with hands clasped behind his back. "Is there a chance, you could leave us alone for some minutes?"

Dr. Thompson nodded. "Of course. Take your time, Captain. It's almost lunch time anyway." With that, he politely inclined his head, put some quick commands into the science console and left them alone.

"How do you feel, Julian?" Dax asked with an amiable smile as they were alone.

"Like I've been through a nightmare," Julian reluctantly conceded, all of a sudden feeling his tiredness return full force. Only now that Dr. Thompson was away, he realized how much the other doctor's company had helped him forget for the moment what he'd been through. Perhaps it had been exactly what their little game of bickering had been about.

"I take it you are able to remember everything that happened down on Coldron?" There was obvious hope but also worry in the captain's eyes.

"Yes…" Julian slowly nodded.

The captain stared for a short moment into the middle distance. "I'm sorry for what happened on the planet. For the argument we had and the things I said to you. I know that it doesn't justify my actions, but I want you to know that I regret what I've done."

Julian suddenly felt queasy. He knew what Sisko was talking about. The argument. The moment when his commanding officer had lashed out at him and hit him. He'd almost forgotten.

"A lot of things went wrong on that planet," he slowly said, "and in the end, you saved my life. I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for you."

An awkward moment of silence passed between them. But then Sisko nodded.

"There is something, we wanted to talk to you about," Dax suddenly said. She looked a bit uncomfortable and exchanged a quick glance with the captain. But then she held up a padd she'd obviously brought along.

"When we'd rescued you from the Temple and you lost your memory, we tried to help you remember your old life. We tried to show you pictures of your family and friends to see if you could remember anyone. But you couldn't. Except for one person. You couldn't remember her directly. Not her name or who she was. But you responded to her picture on an emotional level."

Julian shot the Trill a puzzled look, utterly unsure what to expect. Reluctantly and almost in a frightened way, he took the padd she was handing him to have a better look at the picture.

When his eyes fell on the little girl with the brown hair and speckled face, the world around him stopped. For a moment, he forgot even the Captain and Dax at his side, his eyes staring at the picture until they began to water.

=/\=

"We were wondering if you could tell us who she is?" Jadzia gently tried as she perched next to him on the biobed. She wasn't sure if he would give them any answer. As O'Brien had said, whatever had happened between Julian and that girl was a private matter and as long as it didn't interfere with Julian's daily work or the safety of their crew, the only thing they could do was ask him about her and see what he had to say. Next to her, Sisko was eying the young man with obvious worry.

Julian was sitting there in bed, the padd she had given him with the girl's picture on it loosely in his hands. As Dr. Thompson had said, he looked worn, as if the last days had been just too much for him and he didn't have the energy to care much about anything right now. Like he was exhausted beyond words, his black hair still disheveled, dark shadows under his eyes, testimony of what he had gone through.

For a long moment, he just stared at the picture, as if he'd been utterly unprepared and didn't know what to respond. Then he took a deep breath.

"She was a girl I met on Invernia II," Julian spoke softly, startling her with the frankness in his voice. She had half expected him to keep silent, or to tell her to mind her own business, or to be angry with her for intruding on his privacy. But he surprised her by doing neither of the sort.

"I… was ten when she died," he said matter-of-factly, his eyes trained on the picture. There was no emotion in his voice when he spoke, startling her even more as if he had snapped at her to leave him alone. He just stared at the padd, at the young girl, with a blank expression on his face.

"What happened?" Sisko at her side asked softly.

Julian's head came up and he looked at them for a moment, a frown on his face. There was suddenly a childlike innocence to his features that gave her pause. "My father was on a diplomatic mission on Invernia II. One day we got into an ion storm. She was hurt when we found her. My father tried to save her life but in the end she died anyway. When the storm was over, one of the locals told us that we could have easily saved her with a plant that grew in that area. But we didn't know. And she died."

Even though she had never heard him speak in person about this particular event in his childhood, she could vividly recall the evening when she'd heard it from Melora Pazlar some years ago. Jadzia could imagine that the girl's death had been traumatic to young Julian – but she doubted that it was the only reason why Julian would be bothered so much by the event. After all she knew, had called out the girl's name when he was brought back to consciousness in the Sanctum. Even in the confused state he was in, he'd been able to recall her name. And her picture was the only thing that had obviously been able to stir up any emotions in him when he had lost his memory after their visit to Coldron. What was so special about the girl? What connection was there between her and Julian? Julian made it sound as if they had been strangers to each other. But from all she had experienced, she knew that it was a lie. She shot a quick glance toward the captain, who returned a subtle nod for her to continue.

"So, she was a girl you met on Invernia II when you were ten," she probed further, always watching his reaction. Just that there was none.

"Yes," he finally said with an almost resigned sigh.

"And?" She gently urged.

Julian looked perplexed. "And?"

"Who was she? Do you remember her name?" Jadzia tried sympathetically.

For a long moment, the young man wouldn't answer. Then he closed his eyes. "Sira," was everything he said. When he opened them again, his eyes were hollow and empty. "Her name was Sira. She was one of the local children. She had a brother. His name was Evin. She was about my age. Her brother was a little older."

He lapsed yet again into silence, but then shook his head as if to free himself from unpleasant memories. "She was the reason I chose to become a doctor…"

He seemed reluctant to talk about her or his stay on Invernia II, only offering bits and pieces. But she needed the whole story. She needed to dig deeper if she wanted to help him.

"So you were ten, accompanying your father on a diplomatic mission on Invernia II and she was one of the local kids. How did you know each other?"

For a long moment, the young man wouldn't answer, as if he was pondering her question. Finally, he bit his lower lip. He looked so much younger in that moment. So… insecure. And somehow lost.

"She…" he started, just to frown as if he was not sure how to phrase it. Then he said, a little awkward as if it was difficult for him to pronounce the words: "She was my friend."

When Jadzia kept silent and gently lay a hand on his knee in comfort, his gaze dropped back at the padd and the girl's picture.

=/\=

Julian felt Jadzia's warm touch through the fabric of his trousers. Somehow her touch was comforting, and he felt himself relax somewhat in spite of himself. He wasn't particularly keen on remembering anything about Invernia II and he wasn't sure about Jadzia's sudden interest in the story. Everything had happened so long ago. Until a few days ago, he hadn't even thought of Sira in years. Not until their shore leave on Coldron, when he'd met Seara and Max.

_Seara._

He felt a twinge in his chest. Something was clutching at his heart, digging its sharp nails into it. He hadn't been able to save her. He'd promised to help them, he'd promised that there was nothing to fear. But he'd betrayed them. He hadn't been able to save them. And Seara had died…

Just like Sira had.

He shook his head and took a deep breath. He wasn't keen on digging in his past to dredge up memories he'd long ago put behind him. He was so tired, and he only longed for sleep. But he also knew Jadzia, and he knew that she wouldn't leave the matter be until she had heard the whole story. It was not that it was a secret anyway. It was just that he had no energy to dwell in the past right now. Besides, it wasn't much of the story she most likely expected either. He had no idea where her sudden interest in Sira and Invernia II suddenly came from, but he was too tired to really care.

So he cleared his throat.

"When my father was sent to Invernia II, it wasn't clear at first how long the assignment would take or if it would become a long-term project. They didn't know how long we were going to spend on the planet, so I was enrolled in the local school. I'd always wanted to go on an adventure into space and I was so thrilled when my father agreed to take me along with him. It was my first time so far away from home and I was really excited. I met Sira and her older brother in school, shortly upon our arrival."

He paused, suddenly swallowing at the memory. He'd never talked about this to anyone before. Not in detail or more than the wistful tale of how it had made him choose his career as a healer. His father had known of course, at least some bits and pieces, but he'd never told his mother, or friends.

"In the end, we spent several months together. It was like an endless summer for me. The climate on Invernia II is much warmer than on Earth. I only remember it being hot every day, and that I had the time of my life. Sira, her brother Evin and I became inseparable. My father was mostly busy with work, and I spent most of the day in school. And my scarce spare time I would spend with Sira and Evin outside." He frowned. "To be honest, my father didn't really have any idea what I was doing. I did tell him but in the end he considered it a child's play. He wasn't really interested as we were soon going to leave Invernia II and move on to another place." He couldn't help a crooked smile. "But for me, those hot months with my friends meant everything."

"Until the ion storm?" This time it was Sisko.

Julian nodded.

"On the day before the storm, we made plans for our summer vacation. Sira wanted to show me the waterfalls of Evrath. She wouldn't stop talking about them and how much fun it was to dive into them."

He suddenly broke off. He'd almost forgotten. But now that he thought about it, it was so vivid a memory as if it had been yesterday.

"My father wanted to take me hiking. It was his day off and he wanted to make up for all the time he had spent at work with only little time for me. I was thrilled to go with him. We went into the mountains but only one hour later, the ion storm suddenly hit us. It took us completely by surprise. We took shelter in one of the caves. I only remember how scared I was. I had never been in an ion storm before. Somehow it was so frightening."

Something made him pause. In all these years, he'd never thought about that day again. Not in detail anyway. He didn't know if he should go on. He didn't know if he _wanted_ to go on. But nevertheless, he did.

"That was when I heard Sira's scream. She had been following us because she had wanted to warn us. One moment of inattentiveness and she was bitten by a Rupa-snake. We immediately took her into our shelter, but she soon developed a high fever. My father tried to save her, but he didn't have any medical knowledge and neither did I. I held her hand while she was slipping away from us. There was nothing I could do but be there for her, telling her that everything would be fine. When the storm somewhat subsided, my father went to call for help."

He swallowed.

"But in the end, she died while he was out to call for help. Sira's death took me completely by surprise. I was ten. I was shocked and sick with fear and I ran outside to see if my father was finally back with help. I was so desperate that I didn't pay attention to the slick pathway outside, lost my balance and fell down a rocky slope. In the end, I sustained quite severe injuries and had to be operated on due to internal bleeding while at the same time they took Sira back to her parents and her brother."

=/\=

She knew that she was watching him with a frown, but it was not due to the terrible truth he had just confided in her. It was because of his monotonous speech, the way he told her about a traumatic experience in his past, as if it was something out of a news report – and not out of his own childhood. He just sat there, telling her about the ugly event of losing a childhood riend without any emotion. Somehow it didn't fit. If they had been friends, why was he so emotionally flat? What had happened?

"What happened then?" Sisko tried when Julian kept silent. "Did you see her or her brother again?"

The young man slowly shook his head, his face neutral.

"My father wouldn't approve of it. After the incident, he took me out of school, apologizing to me for having had so little time for me. He promised me to do better in the future and only a few days later, we were already headed back for Earth. I don't know if his assignment was over or if he just wanted to bring me back to safety after my first adventure trip into space had taken such a dramatic turn in events. But I never saw Sira's body, nor did I have the chance to say goodbye to Evin."

When he had seemed completely unemotional about the event before, he now at least did show signs of uneasiness. He sat there, with hunched shoulders, telling them all this like a child that thought he had done something wrong. As if he feared she would be angry with him or give him a lecture or anything because he had spoken about something he knew he shouldn't have.

Even though she feared she already knew the answer, she had to ask him: "After the incident, have you spoken to your father about what happened in the cave?"

Julian blankly shook his head. "She was just a girl I was friends with during my short stay on Invernia. We weren't really close. It was a tragic accident, but that's all. After all, my real life was back on Earth. I had my friends there, and my family."

It came like a slap across the face. It sounded so emotionless, so detached, like something he had said perhaps a hundred times already, like something he had internalized a long time ago. Like something one had made him repeat so often that he now believed in it himself.

And then she suddenly understood. And the realization broke her heart.

She regarded him for a long time before she gently took his hands into hers. He looked up, his hazel eyes full of confusion.

"And how did _you_ feel about it?"

He just stared at her, warily, as if he was not sure what she was getting at. As if no one had ever asked him about his own feelings on the matter. As if he had never been allowed to voice how he was feeling inside. As if no one had ever bothered to ask ten-year-old Julian if he was emotionally okay. What the event of losing his childhood friend had done to him. He was sitting there, telling her all this, as if everything were okay. As if _he_ were okay. But from everything she had learned, she knew that he was not.

"She was your friend. You spent so much time together. You made plans for summer. You must have been very sad and upset about her death."

"I…" Julian began hesitantly and grimaced. "I… barely knew her," he finally whispered, but it sounded barely convincing.

Looking into his hazel eyes, she knew that he was struggling inside. There he was, Dr. Julian Bashir, a brilliant and skilled doctor, one of her best friends on the station, a young man who knew exactly what he wanted and who had a pretty firm belief in good and bad. And then there was the ten-year-old boy, alone and injured in an alien world, robbed of his childhood friend, angry and sad and shocked by the unfairness of life. A little boy whose feelings had been stifled, a little boy who'd never had the chance to grieve over a loss that had shaken him so deeply. For the first time in the last four years, she saw him in a completely different light. For the first time, she had a glimpse of what demons he'd been carrying with him all these years. And she felt unspeakably sorry for him.

Because he obviously wasn't aware of what had been done to him. Even though he was a doctor, he couldn't realize that he had been profoundly hurt with no chance to ever truly heal. He wasn't even aware of the emotional scar the event had left him with.

"Julian," she said softly, "You know that's not true. She was your friend, and it is normal to feel shocked and sad about her death. You had every right to feel shaken about her death. You had every right to cry. You had every right to be angry and upset. What is not normal is that you feel like she was a stranger to you. Or that you tell me about her death as if nothing had ever happened between you two. What anybody told you about not having a right to grieve, is simply wrong. You were kids. You knew her how only kids know each other. You were close. You had every right to grieve over her loss, just like everybody else."

Julian took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He looked as if he wanted nothing more than surrender himself to his fatigue. As if he didn't have the strength to will himself upright any longer. He drew up his knees and hugged his arms around them. For a long moment, he didn't speak. He just sat there, silent, obviously fighting with himself to release the tight grip around his emotions, he had so long been taught were misplaced.

And she felt so sorry for him. For the things one had done to him. On that fateful day, something terrible had not only happened to Sira, it had happened to Julian as well. He'd been a victim in all this as much as Sira. He should have cried his eyes out after the event, he should have been comforted by his parents, by other people who cared. But obviously no one had ever bothered to see if he was okay. No one had held him close, telling him that everything was going to be alright. They had told him not to feel, they had belittled the terrible experience. And he had buried it inside himself. Telling himself that he was not allowed to feel what the event had done to him.

"I was so scared... Back in the hospital, when they sent me into surgery… I was so scared," Julian whispered under his breath, as if having read her thoughts. And there was no doubt that he was back to the memory of that day. There was profound anguish in his voice. He didn't look at her. His eyes kept closely shut, his shoulders were slightly trembling. It might be the first time, he ever told someone about his feelings on that day. "I couldn't understand that she was dead and that I would never see her again. I just couldn't believe that a friend of mine could be _dead_. Those things happen in holonovels, but not in reality. We wanted to do so much more together. We had an exam on the next day. She'd been learning so hard, she couldn't stay away from classes. Her brother Evin always used to tease her about everything. I couldn't imagine him not teasing her. She was suddenly gone, and Evin with her, and I felt like a part of my soul had been ripped away…"

The last words came out barely audible. But it seemed as if the year-old walls he'd built inside his heart were finally starting to crumble.

"When I woke after surgery, I was desperate for someone to be with me. To tell me that everything had just been a bad dream and that Sira was up and about, waiting for me to get better so that I could see her again." His voice broke. "But there was no one. My father wasn't there and could only come in the evening. The hospital staff had no idea what had happened in the cave. I was alone, fighting my fears and tears, trying not to think about the deep emptiness inside."

"I didn't want to leave but my father insisted that we go back to Earth. I was desperate to see Evin one last time, but he wouldn't allow me. Instead, he made me promise not to tell my mother or others. He wanted me to forget the ugly event as quickly as possible. I tried my best, but it was hard. Every following day was just so hard…"

She half expected him to break into tears after all the years he had kept the emotions suppressed, telling himself that his feelings weren't adequate. But to her surprise, he just sat there, arms wrapped tightly around his knees. Or perhaps the unshed tears had burned themselves so deep into his young soul that it was impossible for him to release them now.

"I'm sorry, Julian," she said. And she meant it. From the bottom of her heart.

=/\=

He felt numb. And hollow. And so utterly tired.

He no longer wanted to think. Not about what happened to him on Coldron. Not about what had happened so many years back on Invernia II.

_Hi, I'm Sira! And this is my brother Evin! Do you wanna play?_

He felt his throat constrict painfully, just by remembering her voice.

_I told you there's nothing scary about it. Evin, stop crying like a baby! Have you two never been out alone in the dark? Now come on!_

And then it came, rushing up from the deepest place inside his heart until it was filling him up completely. The feeling of a terrible loss. The feeling of hope and anticipation of what could have been. Sadness. Anger. Fury over his own helplessness. Loneliness. Dread.

He felt tears well in the corner of his eyes and quickly wiped at them, angry with himself. Why was he so suddenly losing control? Why was the memory of Sira and Invernia II suddenly getting to him so much? He didn't want Sisko or Dax to see him like this. There was absolutely no reason to make a fool out of himself now.

_You know what? We should go see the Evrath falls during our vacation. We'll have so much fun!_

Against his will, he felt the tears spill over, splashing onto his knees.

" _Have you packed your things, Jules?" His father was standing in the doorway, eying him with worry. "Our shuttle will leave in two hours. Do you need any help?"_

_Young Jules was sitting on his bed, clutching his teddy bear, a packed bag next to him on the bed._

" _Can I say goodbye to Evin?" he only said, lifting an expecting gaze to his father._

_His father gave a silent sigh. Then he came over, sitting heavily down next to him. "Jules, I told you that I don't want you to go over to see him." He seemed to search for the right words. "To you, she was just a girl you met the other day. But to him, she was his sister. He needs time to grieve over his loss. His life was turned upside down. He's sad and angry and I don't want you to disturb him. He needs time to accept his loss. And I don't want you to suffer any more than you already have. Do you understand that?"_

_Young Jules nodded, still hugging the bear tightly to his chest._

He had so wanted to tell her how sorry he was. He had wanted to see her only one last time, to give her his proper goodbye. He had wanted to meet Evin, to say how sorry he was, to say goodbye to his best friend and all the things they had wanted to do together. Perhaps Evin would have had words to describe the huge whole that had opened up in his heart and was swallowing every emotion until everything he felt was a terrible emptiness inside. He had so wanted to say goodbye to his friends.

Tears were running down his cheeks now. He struggled to wipe them away. But to no avail.

_They were sitting silently next to each other on the shuttle transport that would bring them to the starship which was bound back for Earth. His fingers were cold, and his head hurt. He hugged his daypack closer to his chest._

" _Jules, are you okay?" His father was kneeling down in front of him, gently taking his cold hands in his. He must have noticed by now how little his son had spoken since they had boarded the shuttle an hour ago. He gently rubbed the little hands in his, trying to bring some warmth back into them. He must have guessed what Jules' mind had been on the whole time._

" _Jules, look at me," he spoke softly, and ten-year-old Jules obeyed._

" _What happened down on Invernia II was a sad and tragic accident. A girl died. Parents lost their daughter, and a brother lost his sister. I wish you'd have been spared the experience." His father stroked over his tousled black hair. "But it's over now. We need to leave what happened behind. The life on Invernia II is not your real life. Your life is back on Earth. Your Mum's back on Earth. Your friends are back on Earth. Your school is back on Earth. It was a tragic event – but that's all it was. The best thing we can do now is move on and forget what happened as quickly as possible. There's nothing we can do about it anyway."_

_He paused, searching Jules face. The boy reluctantly nodded._

" _There's one more thing, Jules." His father cleared his throat. "When we go back home, I don't want you to tell Mum."_

_The boy's head went up, his eyes wide. "But…"_

" _She's always so concerned about you. She'd be worried sick about you if she learned of what happened on that planet. She'd insist that you see a counselor over it, and it would only draw everything out. I want you to put everything behind you as quickly as possible. I don't want you to go over it again and again and let you get dragged down by the event even months later. Your mother is overprotective. She'd do anything to make sure you're okay. Will you promise me not to tell her anything?"_

He hadn't wanted to leave the planet. He hadn't wanted to be brought back to London as if nothing had ever happened. Every evening that followed, he couldn't bear sitting at the dinner table with his parents, listening to their talking as if nothing of it had ever happened, as if everything was okay. He had wanted to scream at his parents that nothing was okay, that something terrible had happened. Why wouldn't they see? His friend had died! He'd held her hand while she had been slipping away from him and everything he had been able to do was stand by and watch her die. Every following evening he'd slipped into his bed and put the bedcover over his head and cried himself to sleep because he was terrified of losing his family, terrified of even going outside because he could never be sure that it wouldn't happen again and someone he held dear was again robbed from him unexpectedly. He'd been sick with fear for all the months that followed.

" _Jules! We've missed you so much. How was your stay on Invernia II? Did you make any new friends?"_

_Young Jules, fresh back in school, shook his head. "No… not really."_

A sob escaped his throat. No matter how much he tried to push the memory from his mind, to tell himself that everything had happened so long ago and that he would not crumble now under the memory when it had never so much as touched him in all these past years, he was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that came welling up inside him until it was all he could do to hug his knees tightly to his chest and burry his face that was now hot with humiliation and grief.

"I'm so sorry…" he sobbed, unable to pull himself together any longer. He shook violently when the flood of emotions came washing over him. "I'm so sorry, Sira…"

=/\=

Sisko didn't think twice. As a parent, he felt unspeakably sorry for the young man sitting now so distraught in front of him. He couldn't imagine what the event must have been like for young Julian. But he knew one thing for sure. Had Jake gone through the same things as Bashir obviously had, he wouldn't have left his son to himself to deal with the aftermath of such a horrible event.

He sat down next to Bashir on the biobed and gently took the sobbing young man into a firm embrace. Like his father should have done on that fateful day. Like anyone who cared about young Julian should have done. If Julian's past hadn't come up by accident in the wake of the events on Coldron, how long would he have carried the memory with him? Buried deep within together with the feelings he had so long been told to suppress.

He gently rubbed the shivering young man's back. Julian didn't offer any resistance. He collapsed against Sisko, obviously too deep into his own misery as to care much about the fact that Sisko was his commanding officer – and captain. Sisko couldn't blame him. After all he'd been through in the Sanctum, he obviously was at the end of his tether. There was only so much anyone could take – and Julian was of no exception.

He was murmuring gentle words to Julian, while Jadzia reached out for Julian's shoulder to squeeze it in sympathy.

The young man sobbed against Sisko's chest, occasionally mumbling how sorry he was. And Sisko held him, waiting patiently for the young man to calm down. Julian's sobbing grew quieter until his breathing came even and deep. He looked so innocent and young in that moment that Sisko couldn't help feeling protective of the young man.

"He's lost consciousness," Jadzia said with a quick look at his medical chart. "But his vitals are steady. I'll inform Dr. Thompson." She helped Sisko ease Julian's sleeping body back down onto the bed.

"He's kept so much in, it's a wonder it hasn't show earlier…" she mused sadly, as they tucked him in again.

Sisko shook his head, laying a warm hand on Julian's shoulder. "Perhaps it did. Perhaps we just didn't notice."

"Do you think he'll be alright?"

Sisko nodded. "I think he will be. He's opened up for the first time in years. I think he's finally ready to heal." He still felt a cold shiver run down his spine at the thought of the helpless pain young Julian had gone through. He could hardly imagine what it must have been like for the little boy to have no one to turn to – not even his parents.

He gently squeezed Julian's shoulder. The young man would be okay eventually. He was sure of it. And this time he had a whole bunch of people he could rely on.


	13. Chapter 13

**Epilog**

"What are you doing up already? Shouldn't you be in bed right now?"

Julian jerked around, a startled and guilty expression crossing his face. He quickly tried to flash an awkward smile, a stack of padds still in his hands which he'd just retrieved from a shelf in the infirmary.

"Jadzia, I haven't heard you enter," he said, and sounded a little bit defiant.

"Didn't Dr. Thompson tell you that you had to stay in bed another day?" Jadzia arched one brow. "What are you doing in the infirmary? You don't intend to work, do you?"

Julian offered an apologetic smile. "No, I don't. Actually, Nurse Bendi has everything under control right now. But believe me, two days in the sickbay of the USS Haven and I have had enough of biobeds and sickbays for the rest of my life. Now that we're back home, I only wanted to get some reading material. I promise I'll be back to my quarters – and my bed – within ten minutes."

"What about I'll walk you there?" She suggested, and by the defeated look on his face he was obviously aware that he didn't have much choice. He was still relieved of duty for the next week. Even though Dr. Thompson had pronounced him fit to perform his duties afterwards, he'd also been adamant that Julian needed to keep his promise and not rush things. She knew how impatiently the young man was counting the days until he was allowed back to work but for the time being, his health had priority. If he liked it or not. As if having read her thoughts, Julian stuffed the padds in his shoulder bag, exchanged a few words with his medical staff and gestured for her to take the lead.

It didn't take long to reach his quarters. When they stopped outside the door, Julian activated the door switch, but suddenly paused.

"Do… you want to come in?" he asked hesitantly. He all of a sudden seemed reluctant to go back to the solitude of his quarters, even with the mountain of new reading material as company. She couldn't really blame him. He still had a lot to digest and even though he was physically on the mend, she knew that it was still a long way for him to heal emotionally from what the event with Heral had done to him. He'd been on the verge of death, after all. And even though most of the time he was trying to make light of the matter in that typical easy going way of his, she knew that the event had shaken him to the core.

She smiled and agreed to have another cup of Raktajino and while Julian went into the bedroom to quickly dispose of the bag of padds, she ordered two steaming mugs from the replicator.

"I'm glad to see you back to your old self," she said when he emerged from the bedroom. And she really meant it. It was so good to have him back. He still looked tired and exhausted, and there still was a droop to his posture that spoke of the ordeal he'd been through. But for the first time in days, the life had finally returned to his eyes.

"As am I, believe me, Jadzia," he smiled the typical smile of his as he sat down on the couch with her. "Whenever I think back on what happened with Heral, on the night when he performed the ritual – and the nightmare after you brought me back the first time and I had lost my memory – I still get goosebumps… It was like a nightmare and certainly nothing I would want to ever repeat…"

When her eyes fell on the dining table on the other side of the room, and the stack of things there, she couldn't help a smile. "I take it you already had quite some visitors."

Julian quickly followed her gaze. "Oh… yeah…" he grimaced and looked a bit embarrassed. He blushed ever so slightly. "Ever since we came back home. Miles was here of course, and Captain Sisko. Kira checked on me as well and if you believe it or not, the bottle of Bolian Ice Wine is a welcome gift from Quark. The flowers are from Keiko and the data clips Garak's latest recommendation on Cardassian literature to keep me entertained for the next week." He chuckled. "Even Morn came over to present me with his famous slug stew…"

Jadzia arched one brow. "You tried it?"

The young man rolled his eyes and sighed. "Don't ask…"

Julian nipped at his Raktajino and for a long moment, neither of them spoke. Until the young man finally cleared his throat. He looked slightly uneasy, as if he didn't know how to start. "Jadzia, I… I just wanted to thank you. For everything you did for me. I'm still quite embarrassed about our talk in sickbay the other day. I don't know what's gotten into me… " He sighed in resignation. "The thing with Sira, it all happened so long ago. And still I crumbled under the memory. I feel like a complete idiot… I'm so sorry."

She immediately knew what he meant. The conversation about Sira, shortly after they had brought him back from Coldron. He'd been in quite a bad shape then. Even though he'd been adamant that he was fine, it had been clear that he'd been way beyond exhausted. After the dam had broken, and the flood of emotions he'd so long suppressed had rushed to the surface, he'd cried in Sisko's arms until he'd lost consciousness. He'd slept for most of their journey back home, tucked in in sickbay under the watchful eyes of Dr. Thompson. There hadn't been much chance to talk to him about Sira again before their return to the station this morning.

"You shouldn't be, Julian. There's no need to feel ashamed," she said gently. "It was not your fault. No one should be left alone to deal with such a horrible event. Especially not a child."

He sat his mug on the coffee table and his gaze strayed out the viewport. "I… never realized what it had done to me, how much the pain had become a part of me during all these past years… I never realized that I wasn't over her death. I was so blind. I'm supposed to be a doctor. I help others. But I completely messed it up with myself…" He looked honestly embarrassed.

She reached for his hand and gently squeezed it. Julian offered a faint smile.

"I haven't thought of Sira in years," he swallowed. "Not until I met Seara and Max. I don't know why but… there was something about Seara, something special that suddenly reminded me of Sira, that brought back old memories. That's why it was so important for me to help them. I think that unconsciously, I saw it as a second chance to make up for my helplessness as a child on Invernia II. My only thought was that I had to help Seara, that I somehow owed it to Sira."

His gaze dropped down to his mug and his shoulders slumped. "When Sira had died, my father told me to forget about her and everything that involved my stay on her home word to go on with my live on Earth. And I really tried. I tried so hard to put it past me, to leave it all behind, but in the end, I just couldn't… She was gone, and with her so was an important part of my life. I felt incomplete, like a part of my soul had been ripped away. And the worst was that no one of my family and friends knew of the events on Invernia II. Sira was just gone from my life without a trace and it was as if she'd never really existed. But for me she had. We were so close, and she was my friend. In the months that followed, I would sometimes get angry just seeing my friends at school play together. Seeing them laughing and having fun, blissfully unaware of how this simple everyday life could be taken from you from one day to the other. None of my friends ever lost someone close. Most of the time I managed not to think about Sira and the day when she died. But every now and then, I would blow up on my friends out of nowhere. I would suddenly hate them for leading their ordinary, everyday life. They never had to go through what I did. And seeing them so happy and carefree, I felt so unspeakably angry…"

He took a deep breath.

"I got her picture years later, in my first year at the Academy. I was still longing for something that would help me remind me of her. With her picture, it all became real again. _Sira_ became real again…"

He paused.

"Sira was the reason I chose a medical career. I never wanted it to happen again. I never wanted to be helpless again. I even specialized in pediatrics. I still remember the first time I saved a patient's life. It was in my third year at the Academy. I gave first aid to a little boy with an allergic reaction. If I hadn't been so quick, he would have died. It was my first patient, my first real victory over death."

Her eyes suddenly widened. She'd heard of the event, or at least Curzon had. The whole Medical Facility had been in an uproar at that time. "I heard about it. That was _you_!" she said in disbelief.

He nodded sheepishly. "Yes, but no matter how many lives I saved, it didn't lessen the pain I felt over Sira's death. Now, in hindsight, I think the hardest thing for me was that I wasn't able to talk about her to anyone. No one knew what I was going through or how I felt inside. It wasn't as if I had lost an arm or a leg after Invernia II. There was no visible scar anyone could have guessed from that something was not right with me. Everyone just went on about their everyday life – but I just couldn't stop thinking of her. It took me a long time to put the event past me. I had no one to talk to and the only person who knew of the truth made me feel as if my feelings were misplaced. So most of the time, I pushed the memory from my mind."

"But you told Melora, didn't you?"

Julian shrugged. "I guess it was my unconscious way of coping. At some point, the story became so much a part of myself that I told it to anyone who would listen."

"And no one ever noticed that something was wrong with you after Invernia II? Didn't your mother suspect anything? Or your friends?"

"I don't know," Julian conceded reluctantly. "Perhaps they did. But they never asked me… Only once, someone would dig deeper. My teacher. At school. He was the only one who ever asked if I was okay after having heard the story. But I couldn't tell him. I guess I didn't want him to feel bad for me, I didn't want him to pity me or to make him feel uncomfortable in my presence, so I lied that I was okay even though everything inside me was screaming that I was damn not okay. It's what I did most of the days and weeks after Sira died. I was smiling on the outside even though on the inside I wanted to cry. I was giving everyone the idea that I was okay when at the same time my inside was a mess. I couldn't tell anyone about my feelings. And nobody ever asked…"

Even though there was still a deep sadness in his eyes, Julian looked calm and composed for the first time in days. Acceptance. It was the first step for him to finally heal.

Dax reached for his hand. She smiled an amiable smile. Then she said: "Would you like to tell me about her?"

Julian looked up at this. For a second, there was confusion in his eyes and honest surprise. In that moment, he was back to his 10-year-old self. And finally, after all these years, someone was there, reaching out for him to bring him back from the deep hole he'd plunged into. A variety of emotions played across his face – gratefulness above all.

He smiled a sad smile and closed his eyes.

Then he nodded.

"Yes," he said, slowly opening his eyes again. "Yes… I guess I would."

And then he finally started to talk.

**++..++..++.. The End ..++..++..++**

December 2020 by Mijra

**++..++..++.. ++..++..++..++..++**


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